The Person You Mean to Be

The Person You Mean to Be Plot Summary

Introduction

Most of us consider ourselves good people who believe in fairness and equality, yet we often fall short of these ideals in our daily actions and decisions. This disconnect between our intentions and impact stems from psychological blind spots that operate beneath our conscious awareness, influencing how we perceive and interact with others across lines of difference. The journey toward becoming better people requires more than good intentions—it demands a fundamental shift in how we understand our moral development, moving from a fixed mindset focused on proving our goodness to a growth mindset committed to continuous learning and improvement. The psychology of bias reveals how our minds process information in ways that perpetuate inequality despite our explicit values. By examining the interplay between individual psychology and systemic patterns, we gain insight into why well-intentioned people can unknowingly contribute to discrimination and exclusion. This understanding opens pathways for more effective action, allowing us to move beyond defensive reactions when confronting our biases and toward strategic interventions that create meaningful change. Through this exploration of psychological research and practical strategies, we discover that becoming better people isn't about achieving moral perfection but about developing the capacity to navigate complexity with greater awareness and integrity.

Chapter 1: The Growth Mindset: Moving Beyond the 'Good Person' Identity

Our moral identities profoundly shape how we respond to evidence of bias in ourselves and others. When we define ourselves as "good people" in a fixed, all-or-nothing way, any suggestion that we've acted with bias becomes a threat to our core identity. This defensive posture creates what psychologists call "bounded ethicality"—the tendency for otherwise ethical individuals to act in ways that contradict their values without recognizing the inconsistency. The problem isn't that we lack moral principles but that our psychological need to maintain a positive self-image overrides our ability to see our behavior clearly. The solution lies in adopting what psychologist Carol Dweck calls a "growth mindset" about our moral development. Rather than viewing our character as fixed and complete, we can approach our ethical capabilities as skills that develop through practice, feedback, and continuous learning. This mindset shift transforms potentially threatening feedback into valuable information that helps us improve. Research shows that people with growth mindsets pay more attention to their errors, learn more effectively from mistakes, and demonstrate greater resilience when confronting their limitations. This approach proves particularly valuable when addressing bias. Instead of claiming "I'm not racist" or "I'm not sexist"—statements that reflect a fixed mindset—we can acknowledge that we're works in progress with both the capacity and responsibility to keep learning. This reduces what might be called the "fixed mindset tax"—the mental energy wasted on defending our good-person identity rather than addressing the actual issue. By focusing on growth rather than goodness, we create psychological space to acknowledge our biases without feeling morally compromised. The growth mindset also enhances psychological safety in teams and organizations. When leaders model a work-in-progress approach, acknowledging their own learning edges and mistakes, they create environments where people can speak up, ask questions, and engage with difficult topics without fear of judgment. This psychological safety becomes essential for addressing bias effectively in workplaces and communities, allowing for honest conversations that would otherwise remain suppressed. Embracing a growth mindset doesn't mean abandoning moral standards or accountability. On the contrary, it allows us to hold ourselves to higher standards precisely because we're not paralyzed by the fear of falling short. We can simultaneously acknowledge our imperfections and commit to improvement, creating a sustainable approach to ethical development that avoids both complacency and shame. The paradox is that the less we worry about being good people, the better people we ultimately become.

Chapter 2: Unconscious Bias: How Our Minds Process Difference Without Awareness

Our minds process millions of bits of information every second, with only a tiny fraction reaching our conscious awareness. This cognitive efficiency comes at a cost: we develop unconscious biases that operate below our awareness yet powerfully influence our perceptions and decisions. These implicit biases often contradict our explicit values and beliefs, creating a troubling disconnect between who we mean to be and how we actually behave in the world. The Implicit Association Test (IAT) reveals how deeply these biases are embedded in our mental processing. Research consistently shows that most people, regardless of their conscious beliefs, harbor implicit biases related to race, gender, age, and other social categories. These biases aren't simply personal failings but reflect broader cultural patterns and associations we absorb throughout our lives. Even individuals who belong to stereotyped groups often show biases against their own groups, demonstrating how pervasive these mental shortcuts become through cultural exposure. What makes unconscious bias particularly challenging is that it operates most powerfully in ambiguous situations where multiple interpretations are possible. When clear criteria exist, our conscious values can override our biases. But in the countless daily interactions and decisions where guidelines are fuzzy—whom we make eye contact with, whose ideas we build upon in meetings, how we interpret ambiguous behavior—our unconscious biases silently shape our perceptions and choices. This explains why well-intentioned people can unknowingly perpetuate patterns of exclusion and discrimination despite their explicit commitment to fairness. These unconscious biases leak into our behavior in consequential ways. They affect whom we hire, whose potential we recognize, whose ideas we value, and how we interpret others' emotions. Under time pressure or cognitive load, our behavior becomes especially prone to implicit bias influence. Even small biases accumulate over time—computer simulations show that just a 1% advantage for one group creates massive disparities after multiple promotion cycles. This accumulation mechanism explains how systems can produce dramatically different outcomes for different groups even without intentional discrimination. Understanding unconscious bias requires acknowledging that good intentions aren't enough. Many diversity initiatives fail precisely because they focus exclusively on changing explicit attitudes while ignoring the unconscious processes that drive behavior. Effective approaches must address both levels, combining conscious commitment with practical strategies for interrupting automatic patterns. These strategies include implementing structured decision-making processes, diversifying our personal and professional networks, and creating systems that reduce reliance on subjective judgments in high-stakes decisions. Through these practices, we can gradually bring our actions into closer alignment with our values.

Chapter 3: Privilege as Headwinds and Tailwinds: Seeing Systemic Advantages

We tend to notice the obstacles in our path while remaining oblivious to the forces propelling us forward. This psychological tendency, which researchers call the "headwinds/tailwinds asymmetry," fundamentally shapes how we understand privilege and disadvantage in society. Like cyclists who feel the resistance of headwinds acutely but barely register the boost from tailwinds, we're hyperaware of the challenges we face while taking for granted the advantages that ease our journey. This asymmetry explains why conversations about privilege often generate resistance. When someone points out our tailwinds—the unearned advantages we've received based on our race, gender, class, or other social identities—it can feel like an accusation rather than an observation. Our natural psychological response is to emphasize the headwinds we've faced: the hardships we've overcome, the obstacles we've navigated, and the effort we've invested. This "hard-knock life effect" leads us to perceive ourselves as having overcome significant adversity regardless of our actual circumstances. The bootstrap narrative—the idea that success comes primarily through individual effort and merit—further reinforces this distorted perception. Historical examples illustrate how this narrative obscures systemic advantages. After World War II, the GI Bill provided white veterans with unprecedented access to education, housing, and business loans while systematically excluding Black veterans from these same benefits through discriminatory implementation. This created generational wealth disparities that persist today, yet the beneficiaries and their descendants often attribute their success solely to individual effort rather than acknowledging the tailwinds that accelerated their progress. Understanding privilege requires recognizing that individual and systemic factors operate simultaneously. A person can work hard and face genuine challenges while still benefiting from systemic advantages. The concept of "ordinary privilege" captures this nuance—the everyday, unremarkable advantages that come with certain identities in specific contexts. These advantages aren't exceptional or dramatic; they're the absence of barriers that others routinely encounter. Not being followed in stores, having your professional expertise presumed rather than questioned, or seeing people who look like you represented in media and leadership positions—these ordinary privileges accumulate over time, creating significant disparities in opportunity and outcome. Systemic privilege operates through what sociologist Robert Merton called "the Matthew Effect"—the principle that small initial advantages compound over time. Even slight biases in how we evaluate performance, distribute opportunities, or allocate resources can produce substantial inequalities over the course of careers and lifetimes. This accumulation mechanism explains how systems can produce dramatically different outcomes for different groups even without intentional discrimination at each decision point.

Chapter 4: Willful Awareness: Choosing to See Uncomfortable Truths

Our minds are remarkably adept at not seeing what we don't want to see. This "bounded awareness"—our tendency to miss information that's right in front of us—becomes particularly pronounced when that information challenges our self-image or worldview. We develop elaborate psychological mechanisms to maintain our preferred narratives, selectively attending to evidence that confirms our existing beliefs while filtering out contradictory information. This confirmation bias operates so automatically that we rarely notice its influence on our perceptions. The problem intensifies when we surround ourselves with people who share our identities and perspectives. Our social networks tend to be strikingly homogeneous—studies show that the core social networks of white Americans are, on average, 91% white. This homogeneity creates echo chambers that reinforce our existing views and shield us from alternative perspectives. When we primarily interact with people like ourselves, we miss crucial information about how others experience the world, particularly those with marginalized identities. Willful awareness means deliberately choosing to see uncomfortable truths about bias and privilege rather than defaulting to willful ignorance. This choice often triggers what author Jodi Picoult describes as "being slapped across the face ten times"—the disorienting experience of recognizing patterns of inequality we've previously overlooked. When bestselling author Jodi Picoult attended an anti-racism workshop, she experienced intense emotions—guilt, defensiveness, and shame—that could have led her to disengage. Instead, she chose willful awareness, continuing to listen and learn even when it was uncomfortable. This willful awareness requires what psychologists call "grace"—the capacity to acknowledge our imperfections without defensiveness or shame. When we approach our learning with grace, we can make what educator Beverly Daniel Tatum calls "good mistakes"—errors that unlock learning rather than triggering withdrawal. This growth mindset approach allows us to move through the discomfort that inevitably accompanies greater awareness, transforming potentially threatening information into opportunities for development. Moving from willful ignorance to willful awareness isn't a one-time event but an ongoing process of growth and learning. It involves regular self-reflection, genuine curiosity about others' experiences, and a willingness to revise our understanding as we encounter new information. The path isn't always linear—we may make progress in some areas while remaining blind in others. But each step toward greater awareness expands our capacity to align our actions with our values and to create more inclusive environments for everyone.

Chapter 5: Four Well-Intentioned Behaviors That Backfire

Even with the best intentions, our efforts to support marginalized groups can sometimes reinforce rather than reduce the distance between us. Four common patterns of well-intended behavior often backfire by subtly dehumanizing the very people we aim to help. Understanding these patterns allows us to develop more authentic and effective approaches to building connection across difference. The first pattern is the "savior mode," where we position ourselves as rescuers swooping in to solve others' problems. This approach centers our needs and experiences rather than those of the people we're trying to support. We become attached to the warm glow of helping, the satisfaction of finding solutions, and the identity of being a hero. In the process, we often override the agency and expertise of those we claim to help, treating them as objects of our benevolence rather than subjects with their own knowledge and capabilities. The savior mode creates distance rather than connection, reinforcing power imbalances while providing us with the affirmation we crave. The second pattern is the "sympathy mode," where we feel sorry for others without truly engaging with their experience. Unlike empathy, which involves feeling with someone, sympathy involves feeling for them from a distance. This mode places us in the higher-power position, focusing on our emotional response rather than the other person's needs or perspective. Research shows that when we feel sympathetic toward someone, we're more likely to attribute their challenges to individual factors rather than systemic conditions, inadvertently reinforcing harmful narratives about why certain groups struggle. The third pattern is the "tolerance mode," exemplified by statements like "I don't see color" or "I don't care if someone is gay." While seemingly progressive, this approach actually erases important aspects of people's identities and experiences. It treats difference as something to be overlooked rather than valued, and it ignores the very real ways that identities shape how people navigate the world. By pretending not to notice difference, we make it impossible to acknowledge the specific challenges and strengths that come with particular identities. The fourth pattern is the "typecasting mode," where we rely on positive stereotypes that seem complimentary but actually limit how we see others. Statements like "Asian Americans are so good at math" or "women are naturally nurturing" might appear harmless or even flattering, but they reduce complex individuals to narrow categories based on group membership. Research shows that positive stereotypes can be just as harmful as negative ones, creating unrealistic expectations and erasing individual variation within groups. All four patterns share a common feature: they create psychological distance between ourselves and others, making it harder to see their full humanity. Moving beyond these patterns requires a fundamental shift in approach—from seeing difference as a problem to be managed to seeing it as a resource to be engaged. It means developing genuine curiosity about others' experiences, listening more than we speak, and being willing to follow their lead rather than imposing our own agenda.

Chapter 6: Building Inclusion Through Everyday Actions

Inclusion happens in the countless small interactions that make up our daily lives. While formal diversity initiatives focus on gateways—the official decision points where people enter organizations or communities—true inclusion depends on what happens along the pathways before and after those formal thresholds. These pathways consist of everyday moments that either reinforce belonging or signal exclusion, and they often operate below our conscious awareness. Meetings represent one of the most powerful sites for building inclusion or perpetuating exclusion. Research shows that in typical meetings, women are interrupted more frequently than men, people from marginalized groups speak less and receive less credit for their contributions, and certain voices consistently dominate the conversation. These patterns aren't usually the result of conscious exclusion but emerge from unconscious biases and established norms that go unquestioned. By deliberately redesigning how meetings function—who speaks when, how decisions are made, even where people sit—we can create spaces where diverse perspectives are genuinely valued rather than merely tolerated. Listening emerges as perhaps the most fundamental skill for building inclusion. Studies reveal that we process information differently depending on who's speaking, giving more weight to voices that match our expectations of authority and expertise. This "stereotype tax" means that women and people of color often must work harder to have their ideas heard and credited. Inclusive listening requires conscious effort to counteract these tendencies—paying attention to whose contributions we amplify, whose we question, and whose we overlook entirely. Credit sharing represents another critical pathway for inclusion. Research consistently shows that we tend to overestimate our own contributions to collaborative efforts while underestimating others'. This natural tendency becomes particularly problematic when combined with biases about whose work is valuable. Building inclusive environments means developing systems that ensure fair attribution of ideas and accomplishments, especially for those whose contributions might otherwise be overlooked or appropriated. Psychological safety—the belief that one can speak up, ask questions, admit mistakes, and take risks without fear of punishment or humiliation—forms the foundation for inclusive environments. Research by organizational scholar Amy Edmondson shows that teams with high psychological safety learn more effectively and perform better. Leaders create this safety by acknowledging their own limitations, displaying fallibility, highlighting failures as learning opportunities, and inviting participation from all team members. The most effective inclusion strategies combine structural changes with individual behaviors. Organizations can implement formal policies and procedures that reduce bias in hiring, promotion, and other key decisions. But these structural changes must be accompanied by shifts in everyday interactions—how we greet each other, conduct meetings, distribute opportunities, and respond to mistakes. True inclusion emerges from this combination of formal systems and informal practices, creating environments where everyone can contribute their full talents and perspectives.

Chapter 7: Using Ordinary Privilege to Create Meaningful Change

"Ordinary privilege" refers to aspects of our identity that we rarely think about because society is structured around them. For white people, it's race; for men, it's gender; for straight people, it's sexual orientation. This privilege isn't about being elite or special—it's about having influence that isn't readily available to those without it. Understanding how to use this ordinary privilege strategically represents one of the most powerful ways to create positive change. Research consistently shows that this ordinary privilege grants significant influence in conversations about inequality. When white people confront racial bias, they face less backlash than people of color making identical statements. When men advocate for gender equality, they're perceived as more objective and credible than women saying the same things. This influence extends across contexts—from workplace evaluations to social media confrontations to community organizing. This reality presents both a challenge and an opportunity. The challenge is recognizing privilege that's designed to be invisible to those who have it. The opportunity is using that privilege strategically to create change. Using ordinary privilege effectively requires overcoming the feeling of lacking "psychological standing"—the sense that it's not our place to speak up on issues that don't directly affect us. Research shows that when organizations explicitly invite everyone to participate in diversity initiatives, rather than assuming only marginalized groups should lead them, participation increases dramatically. This inclusive approach distributes the burden of change more equitably while leveraging the influence that comes with privilege. Strategic allies avoid common pitfalls like "savior mode" and instead use their privilege to amplify marginalized voices, redirect credit where it's due, and challenge problematic behaviors when they occur. This approach requires both courage and humility—the courage to speak up when witnessing bias and the humility to follow the lead of those most affected by the issues at hand. It means using one's access and credibility to create space for others rather than taking center stage. The most effective allies recognize that their work isn't about guilt or virtue signaling but about effectiveness. When those with ordinary privilege remain silent in the face of inequality, they inadvertently perpetuate it. By strategically using their influence—interrupting biased comments, advocating for inclusive policies, or simply ensuring that marginalized voices are heard in meetings—they can help create more equitable systems and communities. This strategic use of privilege operates at multiple levels. In interpersonal interactions, it might involve redirecting credit to overlooked contributors or challenging biased assumptions. In organizational contexts, it might mean advocating for more inclusive hiring practices or mentoring colleagues from underrepresented groups. In broader social contexts, it might involve using one's platform to highlight issues affecting marginalized communities or supporting organizations led by those communities. At each level, the goal remains the same: using one's ordinary privilege to create extraordinary change.

Summary

The journey from good intentions to meaningful impact requires a fundamental shift in how we understand ourselves and our role in creating change. By embracing a growth mindset toward our moral development, we can move beyond the paralyzing perfectionism that keeps us stuck in patterns of willful ignorance. This approach allows us to acknowledge our blind spots without defensiveness, learn from our mistakes without shame, and continuously expand our capacity to build more inclusive environments. The most profound insight emerging from this exploration is that becoming the person we mean to be isn't about achieving moral perfection but about developing the psychological flexibility to navigate complexity with integrity. It requires balancing seemingly contradictory capacities: the humility to recognize our limitations alongside the confidence to act despite them; the awareness of systemic inequities alongside the agency to address them in our sphere of influence; the patience for gradual progress alongside the urgency that justice demands. This balanced approach offers a path forward that neither minimizes the challenges of creating change nor succumbs to despair about their magnitude.

About Author

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Laszlo Bock

Laszlo Bock leads Google's people function, responsible for attracting, developing, retaining, and delighting "Googlers." He believes that giving people freedom and supplementing our instincts with hard science are steps on the path to making work meaningful and people happy. Laszlo's first book, WORK RULES!, is available for pre-order now and will come out on April 7, 2015. As of January 2015 it has already been recognized by THE WASHINGTON POST ("12 leadership books to watch for 2015"), THE TELEGRAPH ("Top business books to read in 2015"), THE HUFFINGTON POST ("The 15 new books to read in 2015") and VENTURES AFRICA ("First a reader, then a leader").During Laszlo's tenure, Google has been named the Best Company to Work For more than 30 times around the world and received over 100 awards as an employer of choice. In 2010, he was named "Human Resources Executive of the Year" by HR Executive Magazine. He has testified before Congress on immigration reform and labor issues and been featured in The Wall Street Journal, the New York Times, the PBS Newshour and on the Today Show. Laszlo's earlier experience spans executive roles at the General Electric Company, management consulting at McKinsey & Company, start-ups, non-profits, and acting. He (briefly) held the world record for Greek Syrtaki dance (along with 1,620 others).

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