The Power of Showing Up

The Power of Showing Up Plot Summary

Introduction

Parenting can feel overwhelming. Between the endless advice, contradicting opinions, and constant worry about making mistakes, it's easy to lose sight of what truly matters. What if the most important thing you could do for your child isn't about perfect discipline strategies or enrichment activities, but something much simpler and more fundamental? At its core, effective parenting comes down to one essential concept: showing up. This means being physically and emotionally present for your child - during celebrations and struggles, during discipline moments and playtime, even during arguments. The research is clear and compelling: one of the best predictors for how a child turns out in terms of happiness, social development, leadership skills, meaningful relationships, and academic success is whether they developed security from having at least one person who showed up for them. You don't need to be perfect - you just need to be present in the ways that matter most.

Chapter 1: Creating Safety: Becoming Your Child's Secure Base

Safety is the first foundational element of secure attachment. When we talk about helping children feel safe, we're addressing both physical and emotional safety. This means not only protecting them from external harm but also ensuring they don't experience their caregivers as sources of fear or threat. Consider Kaitlin, a bright fifth-grader with two married parents and a stable home. From the outside, her life appears perfectly safe. Behind closed doors, however, her experience is starkly different, especially when her father Craig is around. He frequently criticizes her, flies into rages over minor infractions like leaving a sweatshirt in the living room, and sometimes even belittles her appearance and weight. While Kaitlin's basic physical needs are met, she experiences the opposite of emotional safety at home. She can't relax in her own house, and when she cries in response to her father's anger, he further shames her for being "thin-skinned." Fortunately, Kaitlin has her mother Jennifer as a source of support. Though Jennifer doesn't always stand up to Craig's behavior, she provides consistent encouragement and a haven from her father's emotional storms. This secure attachment with her mother helps Kaitlin develop resilience in many areas of her life - she loves school, maintains friendships, and participates in activities she enjoys. However, the negative experiences with her father will likely affect how her nervous system responds to stress and conflict, creating vulnerabilities that will follow her into adulthood. Parents have two primary jobs when it comes to safety: protect children from harm and avoid becoming sources of fear themselves. When caregivers consistently protect children and help them feel safe, kids can direct their energy toward learning, developing social skills, and exploring their world with confidence. Their brains don't need to remain in a heightened state of alertness watching for danger. This creates what neuroscientists call the optimal brain state for learning and development. The good news is that even when we make mistakes as parents - and we all do - we can repair the relationship. When you react in ways you regret, take steps to restore the connection as soon as possible. Apologize if necessary, reconnect through humor or affection, and remind your child through your actions that your relationship remains intact. This teaches children that strong feelings won't permanently damage your bond, communicating the essential message: "Things may get tough between us, but you can't lose my love. I will be here for you. Always and no matter what."

Chapter 2: Seeing Beyond Behavior: Understanding Your Child's Mind

Truly seeing our children means attuning to their internal mental state in ways that help them feel understood on a meaningful level. It involves three key elements: perceiving their inner experience, making sense of what's happening inside their mind, and responding in a timely, effective manner. When we see beyond behavior to the mind beneath, children experience being known in profound ways. Jasmine, a single mother, faced this challenge with her eight-year-old daughter Alisia, who began complaining of unusual headaches. After the pediatrician ran tests and found nothing wrong, Jasmine found herself in a difficult position. She wanted to believe her daughter, but when repeatedly told by medical professionals that nothing was physically wrong, she couldn't help wondering if Alisia was making up the pain to avoid activities. Some days she let Alisia stay home; other days she made her go to school, creating ongoing conflict between them. The push-and-pull continued for months, with Jasmine feeling guilty yet also trying to ensure her daughter didn't miss important experiences. Eventually, they visited a neuropsychologist who discovered Alisia indeed suffered from a complex disorder that manifested exactly as she had described. The good news was that it could be treated with medication and diet changes. The bad news was that Alisia had suffered unnecessarily and could tell her mother sometimes didn't believe her when she described her pain. This situation demonstrates how even well-intentioned parents can struggle to fully see their children. Jasmine tried her best to perceive what was happening with her daughter, but without complete information, her understanding was clouded, making her response less effective. What matters is that she remained vigilant and eventually discovered the truth about Alisia's condition. A less attentive parent might have simply accused her daughter of manipulation and forced her to attend school regardless of complaints. One powerful tool for truly seeing children is what Dr. Siegel calls "mindsight" - the ability to perceive not just external behavior but the internal landscape of thoughts, feelings, and intentions. When parents develop mindsight, they can respond to their children with greater understanding and compassion. For instance, if your four-year-old becomes upset because you drained the bathtub after his bath, rather than lecturing him about why we always drain tubs, you might use mindsight to consider what's happening inside him - perhaps he's had an exhausting day, or maybe in his imagination, the bathwater was an ocean for his toy sailors. Seeing your children doesn't require perfection. You'll miss cues sometimes. You might think you're laughing with your child when they perceive you're laughing at them. The point is to make sincere efforts to understand what's happening beneath the surface. When you do this consistently, you teach your children what it means to be in loving relationships, and they learn to find friends and partners who will show up for them, as well as how to do the same for others.

Chapter 3: Offering Soothing: Helping Children Regulate Emotions

When children experience emotional distress, they need help regulating their nervous systems and returning to a state of calm. This is what we call soothing - the third essential element of secure attachment. Through repeated experiences of being soothed by caregivers, children develop the neurological circuits necessary for self-regulation. Four-year-old Max, a bright, creative boy with curly black hair and huge brown eyes, struggled with impulse control and anxiety at preschool. His teacher, Mrs. Breedlove, had little patience for his energy and behavioral challenges. One day, Max was intently focused on coloring a picture for his mother when Mrs. Breedlove announced it was time for recess. When Max continued coloring and said "Just wait!" his teacher demanded immediate compliance. The situation escalated quickly - she grabbed his crayon, he pleaded for more time, she reached for his picture, it ripped in the struggle, and Max slapped her leg in frustration, crying "That was for my mom!" Five minutes later, Max sat fuming in the school office when the counselor appeared. Recognizing his emotional state, she sat beside him and said, "Oh, buddy, you're so angry. What happened?" Max, still seething, described an elaborate revenge fantasy involving turning his teacher into a tree and feeding her through a wood chipper. The counselor, impressed by his creativity if not his violent imagery, spent time helping him calm down before engaging in a productive conversation about what had happened. Imagine how differently this situation might have unfolded if Mrs. Breedlove had approached Max with understanding rather than control. She might have said, "I can tell this picture is important. Who is it for?" Then followed with, "I know you love making things for your mom. Since it's time to go outside now, where should we put it to keep it safe until you can finish later?" This approach would have created connection rather than conflict, helping Max regulate his emotions while still maintaining the classroom schedule. When adults change their response to children's intense emotions, it changes children's behavior. Schools that have shifted from punitive approaches to more relational, co-regulating approaches find that dysregulated students calm down more quickly and, over time, experience fewer and less intense behavioral outbursts. This makes perfect sense - when children know they'll be helped rather than punished when overwhelmed by emotions, their nervous systems don't become so activated. They learn that big feelings are manageable: "If you find yourself overwhelmed and out of control, I will help you, and together we'll get you back to calm." Parents can help children develop self-regulation by building a "calming toolkit" together. This might include creating a "calm cave" - a small tent or cozy corner filled with comforting items where children can retreat when emotions feel overwhelming. Teaching children to use music, physical movement, or breathing techniques when upset provides them with practical strategies for managing emotions. Perhaps most importantly, we can offer our P-E-A-C-E: our presence, engagement, affection, calm, and empathy when they're hurting. Remember that soothing doesn't mean giving in to inappropriate behavior or rescuing children from every difficult feeling. We can hold firm boundaries while still offering emotional support. The goal is to help children develop the capacity to regulate their own emotions while knowing they're not alone in their struggles.

Chapter 4: Building Security: The Four S's Framework in Action

Security is the culmination of the first three S's - when children consistently feel safe, seen, and soothed, they develop the fourth S: security. This is the ultimate goal of attachment-based parenting, creating within children an internal working model that shapes how they view themselves, regulate emotions, and engage with others. Jamal, a father of twelve-year-old Clay, faced a challenging parenting moment when Clay's scouting group planned to celebrate their camping trip by seeing an R-rated movie. After researching the film online, Jamal determined it wasn't appropriate for his son, even though other parents were allowing their children to attend. As expected, Clay was furious when told he couldn't go. "Are you serious?! But everyone's going!" he yelled, eventually turning his back on his father and slamming his bedroom door. When Clay reappeared minutes later, he alternated between pleading his case and attacking his father, even making personal comments about how Jamal "never had any friends" as a child. Throughout this emotional onslaught, Jamal held his ground regarding the decision while keeping their relationship as the priority. He remained calm, avoided taking the bait to escalate the situation, and focused on seeing his son and understanding the source of his anger. "I know, dude. It can feel awful, and even embarrassing, to be the odd man out," he acknowledged. By providing his P-E-A-C-E (presence, engagement, affection, calm, and empathy), Jamal helped Clay eventually return to a calmer state. Even in his anger and disappointment, Clay was learning important lessons about secure attachment: parents keep their children safe even when making unpopular decisions; they listen and see their children even during conflict; and they offer soothing when emotions run high. The beautiful thing about security is that over time, children depend less on external sources to provide the other S's. Their security becomes established as an internal model, giving them resources to keep themselves safe, see themselves as worthy, and soothe themselves when things go wrong. This doesn't mean relationships become unimportant - secure individuals still rely on connections for meaning and support - but they develop greater autonomy in managing their internal states. Children with secure attachment develop remarkable characteristics: greater emotional regulation, resilience in facing challenges, healthier relationships, stronger sense of self, more effective stress management, and improved academic performance. From a neuroplasticity perspective, the repeated experiences of feeling safe, seen, and soothed literally change the brain, producing skills and attributes that allow children to find more joy, meaning, and significance throughout life. Security provides children with what attachment researchers call a "secure base" - both a safe harbor to return to when distressed and a launching pad from which to explore the world. Like a toddler who ventures away from his father at the playground, returning for reassurance before exploring further, securely attached children feel confident taking risks and facing challenges because they know they have a reliable foundation of support. With each new experience - from the first day of preschool to eventually leaving for college - they develop greater confidence and resilience.

Chapter 5: Making Repairs: Healing After Disconnection

No matter how committed we are to showing up for our children, ruptures in relationships are inevitable. The good news is that these moments of disconnection, when repaired thoughtfully, can actually strengthen attachment and teach valuable lessons about relationships. Eight-year-old Sophia was having a difficult morning. Her mother, Elena, was rushing to get everyone ready for school and work, growing increasingly frustrated as Sophia dawdled over breakfast and then couldn't find her homework folder. When Sophia spilled her juice across the kitchen counter, Elena lost her patience. "That's it!" she snapped. "I've had enough of your carelessness this morning!" Sophia's eyes filled with tears as she ran to her room. Elena took a deep breath, recognizing she had reacted from stress rather than responding thoughtfully. After a few moments to collect herself, she went to Sophia's room and sat beside her on the bed. "I'm sorry I yelled," she said softly. "I was feeling rushed and stressed, but that's not your fault. I shouldn't have spoken to you that way." Sophia looked up, her face still showing hurt. Elena continued, "When you spilled your juice, I got frustrated because I was worried about being late. But everyone makes mistakes, and I made a bigger one by losing my temper." This moment of repair didn't instantly fix everything - Sophia was still upset, and they were still running late - but it transformed a potentially damaging interaction into a healing one. Elena acknowledged her mistake, took responsibility for her reaction, and reconnected with her daughter. Through this repair, Sophia learned that relationships can withstand conflict and negative emotions, and that people who love each other work to make things right. The research on attachment shows that perfect attunement between parent and child happens only about 30% of the time in secure relationships. What distinguishes secure attachment isn't perfection but rather the consistent effort to repair disconnections when they occur. These repairs actually build resilience in children, teaching them that relationships can recover from difficult moments. Effective repair involves several key elements. First, recognize when a rupture has occurred - notice your child's emotional withdrawal, tears, or anger as signals that reconnection is needed. Then, take responsibility for your part in the disconnection without making excuses. Use simple, age-appropriate language to acknowledge what happened: "I got really frustrated and used a mean voice. That wasn't okay, and I'm sorry." Finally, listen to your child's feelings without defensiveness, and discuss how you might handle similar situations differently in the future. Some parents worry that apologizing undermines their authority, but the opposite is true. When we model taking responsibility for our actions, we teach children integrity and emotional honesty. We show them that strong relationships aren't about perfection but about commitment to working through difficulties together. This builds what researchers call "earned security" - the confidence that comes from knowing relationships can survive challenges. Remember that repair doesn't mean abandoning boundaries or appropriate consequences. Elena still needed Sophia to clean up the spilled juice and find her homework folder. The repair addressed how the situation was handled emotionally, not the underlying expectations. This balance of connection and structure is at the heart of secure attachment.

Chapter 6: Developing Mindsight: Teaching Self-Awareness Skills

Mindsight - the ability to perceive and understand our own minds and the minds of others - is a crucial skill that helps children develop emotional intelligence and secure attachment. When parents foster mindsight in their children, they provide tools for lifelong well-being and relationship success. Lucia, a thoughtful mother, used a beach vacation to teach her son Joey an important mindsight skill just before he entered middle school. While playing in the ocean, she had shown him how to dive beneath powerful waves rather than letting them crash into him. Joey was amazed to discover how calm the water felt below the surface, even when turbulent waves rolled overhead. When they returned home, Lucia explained that emotions are like ocean waves - some pleasant, some overwhelming - but Joey could learn to dive beneath them just as he had in the ocean. She taught him to identify emotional "waves" as they approached: "Here comes a scary wave and I feel worried," or "This wave is kinda sad, and that's how I feel." Then he could visualize diving beneath the wave, finding the calm below while letting the emotion pass overhead. Lucia worked with Joey to develop several techniques for finding this inner calm - focusing on his breathing, placing one hand on his heart and one on his stomach while lying quietly, or watching clouds move across the sky. She explained, "Under the water there, that's the real you. The waves are always going to come crashing in - sometimes in fun ways, sometimes not. But you have a choice: You don't have to have your inner calm self tossed around by waves of fear or sadness." This metaphor taught Joey that emotions, while important, are temporary experiences rather than defining characteristics of his identity. Just because he felt anxious about starting middle school didn't mean he was an anxious person. Just because he performed poorly on a test didn't mean he was a bad student. These were just emotional waves passing through his experience, not the essence of who he was. Teaching mindsight skills involves helping children recognize the difference between having emotions and being defined by them. Parents can model this by narrating their own emotional experiences: "I'm feeling frustrated right now because the traffic is making us late, but I'm going to take some deep breaths to help myself calm down." This shows children that emotions are natural and manageable rather than overwhelming or dangerous. Another powerful mindsight practice involves helping children develop what psychologists call "name it to tame it" - the ability to label emotions accurately. Research shows that simply naming feelings activates the prefrontal cortex and helps regulate the emotional brain. Parents can create an "emotion vocabulary" with their children, moving beyond basic terms like "mad" or "sad" to more nuanced descriptions like "disappointed," "nervous," or "overwhelmed." Mindsight also involves teaching perspective-taking - the ability to consider others' thoughts and feelings. When conflicts arise with siblings or friends, parents can ask questions like, "How do you think your sister felt when that happened?" or "What might your friend have been thinking?" These conversations build neural pathways for empathy and social understanding. The beauty of mindsight skills is that they empower children to navigate their internal and interpersonal worlds with greater awareness and flexibility. Rather than being at the mercy of emotional storms, they develop the capacity to observe their experiences with curiosity and compassion, finding the calm beneath the waves.

Chapter 7: Balancing Boundaries: Firm Limits with Emotional Support

Creating secure attachment doesn't mean abandoning boundaries or letting children do whatever they want. In fact, children need clear limits and expectations to feel safe and develop self-regulation. The key is balancing firm boundaries with emotional support - what we might call being both strong and kind in our parenting approach. Seven-year-old Marcus loved playing video games, and like many children his age, he struggled with transitions when screen time ended. His father, David, had established clear limits - thirty minutes of game time after homework was completed - but Marcus invariably protested when time was up, sometimes melting down completely. One evening, as the timer sounded, Marcus predictably began to complain. "Just five more minutes! I'm about to beat this level!" When David maintained the boundary, Marcus threw the controller down and started crying. In the past, David might have responded with frustration: "We go through this every time! The rules are the rules - stop crying and turn it off now!" Instead, David sat down next to his son and said calmly, "I can see you're really disappointed. You were so close to finishing that level, and now you have to wait until tomorrow. That's really frustrating." Marcus nodded through his tears. David continued, "The timer went off, and screen time is over for today. I know that's hard. Would you like a hug before we move on to dinner prep?" Notice what David did here: he maintained the boundary about screen time ending while simultaneously acknowledging Marcus's feelings and offering connection. He didn't lecture or shame his son for being upset, nor did he give in and allow more time. This balance of firmness and warmth is what researchers call "authoritative parenting" - an approach consistently linked to better outcomes for children. Many parents mistakenly believe they must choose between being strict or permissive, between enforcing rules or maintaining connection. The research clearly shows that children thrive when parents provide both structure and support. Boundaries without emotional connection can lead to rebellion or compliance based on fear rather than understanding. Connection without boundaries fails to teach children the skills they need to function in a world with limits and expectations. Implementing this balanced approach involves several practical strategies. First, establish clear, age-appropriate expectations and communicate them consistently. Children feel secure when they understand what's expected of them. Second, enforce these boundaries with empathy rather than anger or threats. When children test limits, as they inevitably will, respond with calm firmness: "I understand you want to stay at the park longer, but it's time to go home for dinner as we discussed." Third, look for opportunities to say "yes" whenever possible, saving "no" for important issues of safety, values, and well-being. This creates what psychologists call a "yes environment" where children experience appropriate autonomy within clear boundaries. Fourth, involve children in creating family rules when appropriate, which increases their buy-in and understanding of expectations. Perhaps most importantly, remember that children learn more from how we set limits than from the limits themselves. When we maintain boundaries with respect and compassion, we teach them to value both themselves and others. We show them that relationships can include both structure and freedom, both accountability and understanding.

Summary

The power of showing up transforms not just our children's lives but our experience as parents. Through providing safety, seeing our children for who they truly are, offering soothing in difficult moments, and building security through consistent presence, we create the conditions for our children to thrive. As the research clearly demonstrates, "You don't have to be perfect. You don't have to have read all the parenting bestsellers. You don't even have to know exactly what you're doing. Just show up." This approach to parenting isn't about perfection but presence - being physically and emotionally available when our children need us most. Today, commit to one small step toward showing up more fully for your child. Perhaps it's setting aside your phone during dinner, listening more attentively to their stories, or responding with empathy rather than frustration when they're struggling. Remember that each moment of genuine connection builds the secure attachment that will serve as their foundation for life.

About Author

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Daniel J. Siegel

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