Untangling You

Untangling You Plot Summary

Introduction

Deep within each of us lies a remarkable capacity to transform our relationships and inner landscape through the power of gratitude. Yet how often do we find ourselves trapped in feelings of resentment, unable to access the gratitude we know would serve us better? That knot in your stomach when thinking about a colleague who betrayed your trust, the heaviness in your chest when remembering how a family member repeatedly let you down—these are the tangible manifestations of resentment that can consume our wellbeing and poison our relationships. This journey is about untangling those knots of resentment that have perhaps been years in the making. It isn't about forcing yourself to be grateful when you're hurting, nor is it about denying legitimate feelings of pain. Rather, it's about discovering how gratitude can illuminate the path forward when you feel stuck in patterns of blame, disappointment, and bitterness. As you explore the powerful connection between gratitude and resentment, you'll discover practical strategies to reclaim your inner peace, enhance your relationships, and ultimately experience the freedom that comes when gratitude replaces resentment as your guiding force.

Chapter 1: Understanding the Gratitude-Resentment Connection

Gratitude and resentment exist as conceptual opposites, with one illuminating the absence of the other. When we feel genuinely grateful toward someone, we simultaneously discover it's impossible to harbor resentment toward them in that same moment. This relationship between gratitude and resentment is crucial because it provides us with a compass for navigating difficult emotions and relationships. The story of Sarah and her flatmate Dave illustrates this dynamic perfectly. Sarah, a neat and organized person, found herself increasingly frustrated with Dave, her artistic friend turned flatmate, who constantly neglected household chores. While they had been great friends in school, their different living habits created tension. Dave would agree to cleaning rosters but then half-heartedly follow through. After several weeks of taking out the garbage herself and repeatedly buying toilet paper, Sarah became furious. The mold in the shower corner that Dave had promised to clean weeks ago became a symbol of her growing resentment. She felt used and disrespected, yet feared confronting Dave would damage their friendship and reputation within their larger friend group. Sarah's father, having recently learned about gratitude practices, suggested this approach to her situation. Initially, Sarah was horrified—how could she possibly feel grateful when she felt so disrespected? Her reaction was understandable; gratitude cannot simply replace resentment. Her pain needed acknowledgment first. However, as her father reminded her of the wonderful times she and Dave had shared—camping trips, parties, and genuine friendship—Sarah began to see beyond her immediate frustrations. The memories of good times had been eclipsed by her resentment. Research shows this phenomenon clearly: bad experiences typically have a stronger psychological impact than good ones. Yet gratitude has a unique power to amplify our awareness of beneficial events and memories. As Sarah began to consciously recall what she valued in Dave—the meals he cooked, the takeaways he bought, their lively conversations after dull study days—her perspective broadened. This didn't eliminate her legitimate concerns about household responsibilities, but it provided a foundation from which to address them constructively. The key insight here is that gratitude helps us remember the good while acknowledging the difficult. It enables us to maintain perspective during conflicts rather than allowing resentment to consume the entire relationship. When we practice gratitude, we strengthen our capacity to see beyond current frustrations to the whole person and the complete relationship. Through gratitude, Sarah could recognize both her valid complaints and the value Dave brought to her life. By understanding this connection between gratitude and resentment, we gain a powerful tool for relationship restoration. Rather than waiting for resentment to dissipate on its own (which it rarely does), we can actively cultivate gratitude as a pathway toward resolution. This doesn't mean forcing artificial thankfulness, but rather intentionally remembering the good while addressing the challenging—a balanced approach that honors both our needs and the relationship itself.

Chapter 2: Identifying Hidden Resentment in Your Life

Resentment often operates beneath our conscious awareness, making it particularly destructive. Unlike more obvious emotions such as anger or frustration, resentment tends to hide—sometimes even from ourselves. This hidden nature is precisely what gives resentment its power to damage our relationships and wellbeing over extended periods. Consider the story of Gwen, who spent thirty years consumed by resentment toward her ex-husband who left her on Christmas Eve for a younger woman. Her son Jeremy dreaded visiting her at the nursing home where she had lived for a decade, knowing their conversations would inevitably circle back to how her husband had "heartlessly ended their marriage" and ruined her life. Gwen's initial feelings of jealousy, anger, and shock had transformed into a profound pattern of resentment that became her defining characteristic. Every Christmas, her bitterness escalated: "Not another Christmas I have to get through... Here we go again, another sad and miserable Christmas, thanks to your father." Her family found these holidays unbearable, begging for "Gwen-free Christmases." The nursing home staff also felt the effects of Gwen's resentment. She was known for bitter remarks if they were slightly late attending to her needs. In all her years there, Gwen hardly ever expressed appreciation for anything anyone did for her. This, in turn, made the staff less inclined to spend time with her, creating a destructive cycle that further isolated her. What makes resentment particularly dangerous is how it feeds upon itself. The word "resentment" comes from the Old French word resentir, meaning "the re-experiencing of a strong feeling." When we resent someone, we mentally replay the hurt over and over again. For Gwen, her husband's betrayal became a mental loop she couldn't escape. Her rumination became habitual and eventually her entire personality—her way of being in the world and relating to others, even those who had nothing to do with her pain. To identify resentment in your own life, look for relationships where you find it impossible to feel grateful. Notice where you experience physical symptoms when thinking of certain people—a knot in your stomach, tightness in your chest, or tension headaches. Pay attention to patterns of avoiding people, either physically or emotionally, or finding yourself frequently complaining about the same person to others. Another key indicator is feeling powerless to choose differently. Gwen appeared unable to let go of her pain despite her son's pleas. She felt the injustice of her situation so deeply that forgiving seemed impossible, as though it would condone the wrongdoing. Yet her resentment gave her no power over her ex-husband, who had moved on with his life. Instead, it poisoned her relationships with those who actually cared for her. The first step toward freedom is simply naming resentment for what it is. This courageous act of identification enables you to bring what has been hidden into the light where it can be addressed. Once identified, you can begin to challenge the notion that you have no choice but to remain in this painful state. By seeing resentment clearly, you reclaim the power to choose a different response—not to erase the pain or injustice you've experienced, but to prevent it from determining your future happiness and relationships.

Chapter 3: Cultivating an Inner Attitude of Gratitude

While resentment can trap us in a cycle of powerlessness, gratitude reminds us that we can choose a different perspective. This choice becomes possible when we become fully conscious of our current perspective and deliberately cultivate what Victor Frankl called "the last of the human freedoms"—our ability to choose our attitude in any given circumstance. Consider the powerful transformation experienced by Shelley, a successful school principal who struggled with long-standing resentment toward her brother Jack. As the firstborn child, Shelley had always felt overshadowed by her "brilliant and well-behaved" younger brother, who received constant favoritism from their parents. While Shelley was often berated for being a "wild child" who struggled in school, Jack was praised for his calmness and intelligence. Teachers even told Shelley they couldn't believe she and her "brilliant" brother came from the same family. Despite her eventual success as a principal, Shelley dreaded family gatherings, especially Jack's upcoming wedding, which triggered all her childhood feelings of inadequacy. During a book club discussion with fellow principals about gratitude practices, Shelley questioned whether it was even possible to feel grateful in relationships marked by such deep-seated resentment. The group suggested she try what they called "a state of preparedness"—deliberately orienting herself toward gratitude before encountering difficult situations. This practice involves setting an inner tone of gratitude before an event, not by forcing positive feelings about the difficult person, but by consciously focusing on what we genuinely appreciate in other aspects of our lives. Shelley began implementing this practice during her evening walks two weeks before the wedding. She started by reflecting on how her experiences with sibling rivalry had actually enhanced her work as a principal, developing her empathy for students in similar situations and contributing to her resilience. After a few days, she could then reflect on positive memories with her brother and parents and acknowledge what she had received from them. She even practiced gratitude toward Jack's fiancée, recognizing her good qualities and how happy she made Jack. When Shelley returned to the book club after the wedding, she reported remarkable results. Rather than experiencing the usual anxiety and tension, she felt calm and centered throughout the event. Her communication with everyone was noticeably more harmonious, and she even showed the group a family photo in which she looked genuinely happy. The wedding hadn't been perfect, but her inner attitude of gratitude had transformed her experience of it. This transformation illustrates a profound principle: "For things to change, first I must change." By choosing an inner attitude of gratitude, Shelley discovered she could influence not only her own experience but also the atmosphere around her. The book club members noted that when they changed their inner attitude toward difficult staff members, communication consistently improved. While we cannot control others, the vibrations of our inner attitude invariably influence those around us. The practice of cultivating an inner attitude of gratitude doesn't require dramatic gestures. It begins with simple, deliberate choices to focus on what we appreciate before challenging encounters. This might involve taking a few minutes each morning to mentally prepare yourself with gratitude for the day ahead, particularly before interactions with people you find difficult. With practice, this inner orientation becomes more natural, enabling you to respond to provocations with greater equanimity and compassion rather than reactive resentment.

Chapter 4: Practicing Self-Gratitude to Heal Self-Resentment

Self-resentment often lurks beneath the surface of our consciousness, yet its impact on our wellbeing can be profound. This form of resentment arises when we fail to meet our own expectations or when we feel inferior compared to others. Unlike external resentment, self-resentment involves turning our disappointment inward, creating a painful cycle of self-criticism and diminished self-worth. Andrew's story vividly illustrates this dynamic. As a brilliant teacher who had won awards for innovative practice early in his career, Andrew appeared successful to colleagues and students. Yet internally, he harbored a core belief that he was unworthy. Despite external praise, Andrew would work through nights and weekends creating "perfect" lesson plans and exhaustively detailed student reports, yet never felt his work was good enough. His nights were filled with mental torment, replaying interactions and berating himself for perceived mistakes. The roots of Andrew's self-resentment traced back to dropping out of school early, a decision he felt had let himself and his family down. Though he eventually returned to education and became a teacher specifically to help students like himself, the shame of his early academic "failure" persisted. He suffered from "imposter syndrome," never quite believing in his abilities and feeling that someone would discover he was a fraud. This pattern of over-striving yet feeling inadequate continued in his teaching career, causing chronic stress and anxiety. Andrew's perfectionism became a primary driver of his self-resentment. Because "perfect" is inherently unattainable, he was constantly disappointed in himself, comparing himself unfavorably to others and never feeling satisfied with his achievements. This perfectionism eventually led to burnout—he began taking days off work, zoning out in front of the television, and losing his original passion for teaching. The indifference he felt toward his work only increased his sense of failure, creating a destructive spiral. The path toward healing began when Andrew started practicing self-gratitude through a daily journal. Initially, it was difficult for him to recognize anything he felt grateful for about himself. He even struggled with giving himself a hard time for "not being more grateful in the past." However, by acknowledging this was a practice that develops over time, he began noting small things—the taste of his morning coffee, sunshine, delicious food. Gradually, he included aspects of himself he could appreciate: achieving so much despite great adversity, being liked by his students, having good health. After several weeks of writing daily about what he was grateful for in himself, Andrew noticed his feelings of inadequacy diminishing. He judged himself less for what he didn't do perfectly and focused more on what he did well. His newfound self-gratitude also opened him to receiving gratitude from others. Previously, he would dismiss expressions of appreciation from students or colleagues, thinking "You don't know what you're talking about" or "I'm not good enough for that." Now he could genuinely accept these expressions of reconnaissance—recognition through gratitude—which further nurtured his self-worth. To practice self-gratitude in your own life, start by acknowledging your good qualities and accomplishments, however small they might seem. Appreciate your efforts rather than focusing solely on outcomes. Embrace the philosophy of wabi-sabi—finding beauty in imperfection—and celebrate the perfection of being imperfect. Watch your self-talk, replacing harsh judgments with kinder, more accepting language. Most importantly, recognize that self-gratitude is not about inflation or superiority, but about acknowledging your inherent worth and contributions while maintaining humility and interconnectedness with others.

Chapter 5: Addressing Others' Resentment with Compassion

Facing another person's resentment toward us can be deeply painful and challenging. Whether justified or not, their negative feelings can trigger our own defensive reactions, making resolution seem impossible. Yet how we respond to another's resentment can transform the relationship—for better or worse. Simon, a managing director in a large IT business, experienced this truth firsthand. After a decade in his role, he believed he was running his organization effectively. While aware of some staff complaints and high turnover in certain departments, he attributed these issues to personality differences and lifestyle choices rather than his management style. Then came the shock: an anonymous employee survey revealed extremely low scores on indicators related to his leadership—confidence, respect, trust, and morale. Comments revealed deep-seated resentment among staff, with many reporting they dreaded coming to work and some even claiming they'd experienced bullying. Simon felt betrayed and angry. He had recently granted staff pay raises and improved working conditions. How could they respond with such ingratitude? His health rapidly deteriorated with symptoms of stress, anxiety, back pain, and headaches. His resentment escalated not only toward staff but also toward the CEO, whom he suspected of orchestrating the survey to undermine him. When he called a meeting with his managers to discuss the results, he berated them for not telling him directly about their dissatisfaction. Rather than listening to those brave enough to offer feedback, he shut them down with recriminations. The turning point came when Simon's CEO arranged for him to work with Michael, a coach specializing in gratitude strategies. Initially resistant, Simon expected simple techniques to make his staff behave differently. Instead, Michael suggested something radical: for one month, Simon should stop focusing on changing others and focus entirely on himself. Michael asked Simon to reflect on the principle: "For things to change, first I must change." Through Michael's questioning, Simon gradually recognized his own resentment toward staff and how it manifested in gossiping and undermining behaviors. He acknowledged slandering his CEO when she was appointed instead of him, even questioning her ability because she was a woman. This reflection revealed how his own actions had contributed to the organization's culture of resentment. As Michael explained, "When we bring down a leader with mindless slander and backbiting, we bring down the whole organization." To rebuild his resilience, Simon began practicing gratitude daily, listing five things he appreciated each evening—his grandchild, his garden, his comfortable home. He also developed self-gratitude by acknowledging his courage in continuing to face work despite the antagonism, his skills with clients, and his generosity toward his family. This foundation of gratitude enabled him to approach the survey results more objectively and see staff responses as calls for change rather than personal attacks. With growing confidence, Simon began making small changes in how he interacted with staff. He rehearsed apologies for specific instances where he had broken expectations or made people feel inferior. When approaching staff, he prepared his inner attitude of gratitude, focusing on what he appreciated about each person. Though initially met with wariness, his sincere efforts gradually shifted the atmosphere. Eventually, Simon took the remarkable step of publicly inviting people at all levels to speak directly with him about their grievances, acknowledging he might make mistakes in these conversations but committing to listen attentively. Over the following year, Simon transformed from a leader who provoked resentment to one who cultivated trust and appreciation. By addressing others' resentment with compassion—focusing first on his own attitudes and behaviors—he created conditions for genuine organizational healing. This process required humility, patience, and the courage to face uncomfortable truths, but ultimately restored both Simon's leadership effectiveness and his personal wellbeing.

Chapter 6: Speaking Your Truth with Grateful Courage

One of the most challenging aspects of addressing resentment is finding the courage to speak directly to the person who has caused our pain. Many of us would rather avoid confrontation entirely, hoping our resentment will somehow dissipate on its own. Yet as we've seen, unaddressed resentment typically festers rather than fades, damaging our health and relationships in the process. Not all of Simon's employees from our previous chapter took the opportunity to speak directly with him about their grievances. Some questioned whether it would make any difference; others feared their colleagues' reactions if they changed their stance. Many likely grew up in environments where keeping the peace was valued over honest communication—a common cultural pattern that perpetuates resentment. This avoidance resonates with my own experience during my PhD studies. I felt my supervisor was treating me with neglect and unfairness, yet the thought of addressing this directly filled me with dread. As my supervisor held all the power in our relationship, it seemed safer to endure the situation rather than speak up. My resentment robbed me of my voice, leaving me ruminating on the injustice while talking negatively about my supervisor to fellow students. This backbiting provided temporary relief but ultimately extended my PhD completion time by approximately a year and diminished my joy in the research process. One crucial distinction that emerged from this experience is the difference between backbiting and critical thinking. While critique objectively evaluates ideas to reach truth or develop better solutions, backbiting stems from resentment directed toward a person. Gratitude and backbiting cannot coexist, but gratitude and critical thinking make excellent partners. In fact, gratitude helps us think more clearly and analyze more thoughtfully, as demonstrated by innovative thinkers like Einstein who approached intellectual pursuits with wonder and appreciation. When we need to process difficult emotions, a constructive alternative to backbiting is to choose one trusted person as a "witness to our pain," as mystic Caroline Myss suggests. Unlike reactive venting to whoever will listen, this involves consciously selecting someone who can remain objective and confidential. We might ask them to help us understand the underlying issues without judging the other person, acknowledging we're only sharing one perspective, and seeking support to move past our shock and distress toward constructive dialogue. Speaking directly to the person we resent serves multiple purposes. It makes both parties more aware of the nature of the resentment and its impact. It clarifies boundaries and affirms values. Most importantly, it may be the only way to restore the relationship and our peace of mind. Staying silent not only hurts us but prevents the other person from understanding the impact of their actions and potentially growing from the experience. Many people equate speaking honestly with confrontation, viewing it as entering a conflict zone requiring protective armor. Elizabeth Gilbert offers helpful wisdom for addressing such fears in Big Magic, suggesting we treat our fears as companions rather than enemies. She advises telling our fears: "You're allowed to have a seat, and you're allowed to have a voice, but you are not allowed to have a vote." This approach acknowledges fear's presence while preventing it from controlling our decisions. Self-gratitude plays a vital role in this process by strengthening our boundaries and self-worth. Had I practiced more self-gratitude during my PhD, I might have had greater confidence to address issues with my supervisor directly or seek another supervisor without fearing negative consequences. Over time, I've learned that assertiveness and kindness can coexist; one need not sacrifice integrity to maintain peace. When preparing to speak your truth, begin with reconnaissance—acknowledging the person's inherent value before addressing your concerns. Starting with "Because our relationship matters to me..." signals your intention to restore rather than destroy connection. Focus on what you've received from the person rather than only what you feel they've taken from you. This approach creates space for mutual understanding and healing, transforming potential confrontation into an opportunity for growth and renewed relationship.

Chapter 7: Taking Small Actions for Transformative Change

Overcoming resentment represents one of our greatest challenges as human beings. We naturally seek justice for perceived wrongs, yet unresolved resentment poisons our health, relationships, and environment. The path forward lies not in eliminating all difficult emotions but in developing strategies to prevent resentment from taking deep, destructive hold in our lives. The approach I've advocated throughout this exploration might seem counterintuitive: cultivating gratitude as a pathway to freedom from resentment. This doesn't mean forcing positive feelings when you're hurting or using gratitude to bypass legitimate pain. Instead, it means recognizing that gratitude offers a different perspective—one that remembers the good alongside acknowledging the difficult, that values relationships over being right, and that restores our sense of choice when resentment makes us feel powerless. Consider the transformative power of small daily practices. One of the most effective actions you can take is to reflect on three questions at day's end: Have I broken someone's expectations today? Have I made someone feel inferior? If so, how can I address this tomorrow? This simple reflection interrupts the cycle where our actions unknowingly create resentment in others, which then rebounds to us. Remember that moving from resentment toward gratitude is a practice, not a destination. Like any practice, it involves starting where you are, focusing on one relationship and one gratitude practice at a time. Begin with relationships just slightly outside your comfort zone, building confidence before addressing more challenging situations. Sometimes the most effective approach starts with focusing on areas where gratitude comes easily, building resilience that can later support more difficult work. The foundational practices we've explored include finding your "why" for this journey; developing an inner attitude of gratitude; ensuring you express gratitude without expectation of return; recognizing you can choose your perspective; preparing your inner state before challenging encounters; and cultivating self-gratitude. These internal practices provide the stability needed for external transformation. The relational practices include identifying resentment and its causes; growing empathy and compassion; practicing reconnaissance by recognizing others' value; expressing gratitude meaningfully; becoming skilled at receiving gratitude; finding respectful ways to voice resentment; making it easier for others to express concerns to you; and respecting cultural differences in how gratitude and resentment manifest. As philosopher Cicero wrote, "Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all others." When we consciously move from resentment toward gratitude, we naturally activate other virtues: courage, humility, sincerity, generosity, empathy, acceptance, integrity, and patience. Each step in this direction contributes to developing our character—our greatest wealth and most worthwhile investment. In a world of increasing complexity, where fear and powerlessness often prevail, we can return to Victor Frankl's wisdom about "the last of the human freedoms"—our capacity to choose our attitude. By viewing difficulties as opportunities for growth, seeking learning even in our resentment, and practicing gratitude whenever possible, we create not only personal peace but contribute to the healing of our collective human experience.

Summary

Throughout this exploration of gratitude and resentment, we've discovered that these two states exist as conceptual opposites, with one illuminating the absence of the other. When we feel genuinely grateful, we simultaneously find it impossible to harbor resentment in that same moment. This powerful insight provides us with a compass for navigating our most difficult emotions and relationships. As Nelson Mandela wisely observed, "Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies." The true transformation comes when we recognize that moving from resentment to gratitude isn't about denying our pain but about reclaiming our power to choose how we respond to it. Your journey toward greater gratitude and freedom from resentment begins with a single step: identify one relationship where resentment has taken hold and commit to one gratitude practice that feels authentic and achievable for you. Perhaps begin by simply acknowledging the good alongside the difficult, or by preparing your inner attitude before your next interaction with this person. Remember that this is a practice, not a destination—each small action creates ripples of transformation that extend far beyond what you can immediately see. As you continue this practice, you'll discover that gratitude not only heals your relationships with others but restores your relationship with yourself, revealing the profound truth that for things to truly change, you must first change yourself.

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Kerry Howells

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