What Your ADHD Child Wishes You Knew

What Your ADHD Child Wishes You Knew Plot Summary

Introduction

Raising a child with ADHD can feel like navigating uncharted waters. The daily challenges of managing homework battles, emotional outbursts, organizational chaos, and social struggles often leave parents feeling exhausted and uncertain. You may wonder if you're doing enough or if things will ever improve. The constant reminders from teachers, the sideways glances from other parents, and the heartbreaking moments when your child feels different can wear down even the most resilient parent. Yet within these challenges lies an extraordinary opportunity to connect with your child in meaningful ways. The journey of parenting a child with ADHD isn't about fixing them but about understanding their unique brain wiring and helping them harness their natural strengths. Your child possesses remarkable qualities - creativity, passion, empathy, and resilience - that can flourish with the right support. By shifting your approach from correction to connection, you can transform daily struggles into stepping stones for growth and help your child develop the self-confidence and skills they need to thrive in school and life.

Chapter 1: Build Self-Control to Navigate Emotions

At the heart of helping your ADHD child succeed is teaching them how to manage their intense emotions - a skill that begins with your own self-regulation. When your child melts down over homework or explodes in anger over a seemingly minor request, their "emotional brain" has temporarily hijacked their "thinking brain." During these moments, your first task isn't fixing the situation but managing your own emotional response. Consider Malik, a spirited 12-year-old who felt wrongly targeted by his music teacher. After being told to "shut up" in class, Malik followed his established plan of going to the office when upset rather than escalating the conflict. Later, he channeled his feelings into a creative writing assignment, making a joke about his "colonial music teacher." Unfortunately, this was interpreted as a threat, resulting in detention and loss of computer privileges. When his parents delivered this news, Malik exploded, kicking furniture and dumping the contents of his sister's drawers onto the floor in rage. Malik's mother, Chantelle, recognized that traditional punishments wouldn't help. Instead of escalating the situation with more yelling, she acknowledged the unfairness Malik felt while maintaining clear boundaries about appropriate behavior. She introduced the "Stop, Think, Act" technique - teaching Malik to pause when emotions rise (Stop), consider what's happening and available options (Think), and then choose a response (Act). This approach activates the thinking brain and creates space between feeling and reacting. To implement this approach with your child, start with breathing exercises like "flower/candle breathing" (sniff like smelling a flower, then blow out like extinguishing a candle). Next, help them identify emotional triggers and physical signs of escalating feelings. Create a calm-down space with favorite comfort items. Practice these techniques during peaceful times, not just during crises. When a meltdown does occur, maintain your calm presence, validate their feelings without judgment, and help them name emotions: "I see you're feeling frustrated because this math problem is difficult." Once they're calmer, collaboratively brainstorm better ways to handle similar situations in the future. Remember, the goal isn't eliminating emotions but managing them constructively. This approach transforms outbursts into valuable learning opportunities. As your child practices self-regulation with your support, they gradually internalize these skills and build the emotional resilience they'll need throughout life.

Chapter 2: Practice Compassion Through Understanding

Compassion begins with understanding your child's ADHD brain and accepting them exactly as they are - not as you wish they could be. This doesn't mean lowering expectations, but rather recognizing that your child isn't choosing to be forgetful, disorganized, or emotionally volatile. Their brain is wired differently, and they face daily struggles that neurotypical children don't experience. Maya, a 13-year-old with ADHD, developed a personal nickname for her condition: "bullet brain." This came from a skiing experience where she went straight down a steep mountain without turning, prompting her mother to call her a "little bullet." Maya explains, "I go fast and am always one step ahead of my thoughts." While she initially felt special about having ADHD, by age thirteen she described it as "a thorn in my butt" that sometimes makes her "look stupid or socially awkward." Despite these challenges, Maya learned to accept her differences and even laugh at her mistakes, calling this her most effective coping strategy. Maya's journey of self-acceptance didn't happen overnight. It required her parents to first understand and embrace her differences. They listened without judgment when she described her frustrations, acknowledged her struggles without rushing to fix them, and recognized her genuine efforts rather than focusing only on results. Their compassionate approach created a safe space for Maya to develop self-compassion. To practice this with your child, start by reflecting on your own feelings about their diagnosis. Many parents experience a spectrum of emotions ranging from relief to distress. Acknowledge these feelings, then shift your focus to understanding your child's experience. Ask open-ended questions about what having ADHD feels like for them. Listen carefully to their responses without interrupting or dismissing their perspectives. Next, help your child identify their strengths. When Sofia, age sixteen, said, "I want to spend more time on the parts of me that I like; I already have to spend too much time on the parts of me that I don't like," she articulated what many ADHD children feel. Create opportunities for your child to pursue activities that showcase their natural talents and interests, whether that's art, sports, music, or storytelling. Remember that compassion doesn't mean absence of structure or boundaries. It means approaching challenges with understanding rather than judgment. When your child forgets their homework again or leaves their room in chaos, respond with "How can we solve this together?" instead of "Why can't you remember anything?" This compassionate framing invites collaboration rather than shame.

Chapter 3: Create Solutions Through Collaboration

Working together with your child to find solutions is far more effective than imposing rules on them. This collaborative approach transforms your relationship from adversarial to allied, teaching valuable problem-solving skills while respecting your child's need for autonomy and input. Taylor, a twelve-year-old girl, and her mother Natalie were locked in daily battles about household responsibilities. Natalie explained: "Taylor comes home from school, drops her stuff in the middle of the kitchen floor. Then she grabs her iPod, checks for messages, plops on the couch with her snack, and watches television. I tell her, 'Move your stuff or we'll trip on it.' She says, 'Wait one sec,' but never moves." Taylor countered: "I forgot. I did it when you got home and told me to. You yell at me so much. If I say, 'Wait one sec,' maybe you'll stop yelling at me." Instead of continuing this frustrating cycle, they sat down together to discuss what wasn't working and brainstorm solutions. Taylor expressed that there were too many things for her to remember and suggested, "Get a whiteboard and make a list of what I need to do. Then pay me. And stop yelling." Natalie wanted Taylor to follow through on requests without constant reminders. Together, they created a chart with specific daily tasks (making bed, putting away clothes, emptying lunch box, etc.) with checkmarks for completion. The collaborative plan included Taylor's input about tasks she could manage, a visual reminder system she suggested herself, and a reasonable incentive (a small weekly allowance) that motivated her. Crucially, they agreed that Taylor would earn her allowance by completing a realistic number of tasks (30 out of 40 possible points), recognizing that perfection wasn't the goal. To implement collaboration in your home, start by identifying one specific issue that's causing conflict. Schedule a calm conversation about this issue when everyone is relaxed, not in the middle of an argument. Ask your child for their perspective first: "What do you think is making this difficult?" Listen without interrupting. Then share your observations using "I" statements: "I notice that homework time has been stressful because..." Next, brainstorm solutions together. Write down all ideas without judgment, even ones that seem impractical at first. Children with ADHD often have creative insights into what might help them. Review the list together and select one or two approaches to try, combining elements that address both your needs and your child's preferences. Remember that collaboration doesn't mean relinquishing parental authority. You still set boundaries and expectations, but you're including your child in the process of determining how to meet those expectations. This respect for their input builds responsibility and commitment to the solution.

Chapter 4: Establish Consistency in Daily Routines

Consistency provides the essential framework that helps ADHD children thrive. Their brains crave predictability and structure, even if they seem to resist it. Establishing reliable routines reduces anxiety, builds executive functioning skills, and creates a sense of security that enables your child to focus their energy on growth rather than uncertainty. Consider Carol's struggles with her grandson Greg, a 10-year-old with ADHD. Every morning followed the same frustrating pattern: "He stays in bed until I yell at him three times to get up. Then he stands at his drawers forever, tossing clothes in the air. He sits on the bed with his pants and fiddles with LEGOs. He delays and dawdles like nobody's business." Greg's perspective was equally unhappy: "I'm in trouble before I even get to school." The key to transforming this scenario lies in creating visual routines with built-in incentives. Instead of verbal reminders that overwhelm a child with ADHD, Carol and Greg developed a morning checklist with specific, sequential steps: get dressed, make bed, eat breakfast, brush teeth, pack backpack. They posted this where Greg could easily see it, and he checked off each completed task himself, strengthening his executive functioning skills for planning and sequencing. To make the routine appealing, they added a meaningful incentive. Greg would earn fifteen minutes of screen time in the afternoon if he completed his morning routine without arguments. This motivator helped him overcome the initial resistance to transitioning between activities - a common challenge for ADHD children. Within two weeks, mornings became significantly calmer for everyone. To establish effective routines in your home, start by identifying the most challenging transition periods - typically mornings, homework time, and bedtime. Create a visual chart or checklist for each period, breaking down complex tasks into specific steps. For example, instead of "get ready for bed" (which is overwhelming), list: put on pajamas, brush teeth, wash face, choose book for reading time. When developing these routines, include your child in the process. Ask what order makes sense to them. You might think breakfast should come before getting dressed, but your child might prefer the opposite sequence. Their participation increases buy-in and makes the routine more likely to stick. Consistency doesn't mean rigidity or perfection. Unexpected events will disrupt routines, and there will be days when things fall apart. The goal is to maintain the framework most of the time while allowing flexibility when needed. When routines break down, avoid criticism and simply return to the established pattern the next day. Remember that consistent limits are loving teaching tools. They help your child develop critical life skills like time management, task completion, and transitioning between activities - areas where ADHD brains typically struggle.

Chapter 5: Celebrate Progress and Nurture Self-Advocacy

Celebration goes far beyond simply saying "good job." It involves noticing and acknowledging your child's efforts, progress, and strengths in ways that build lasting self-confidence and resilience. Children with ADHD receive an abundance of corrective feedback throughout their day - from teachers, coaches, peers, and parents. This constant stream of criticism can erode their self-worth and motivation. Emily, a shy ninth-grader with ADHD and a language-based learning disability, struggled with self-advocacy at school. Though she tried hard academically, her grades often disappointed her, and homework frequently brought her to tears. She felt embarrassed about asking for the accommodations outlined in her 504 plan. When a new English teacher insisted Emily take weekly spelling tests despite her documented exemption, Emily initially tried to comply rather than speak up, watching her grade slip to a C-. With encouragement from her parents and guidance counselor, Emily gradually found her voice. In a meeting with the teacher, Emily eloquently explained, "If a person has glasses and it allows them to see better, are they cheating? If a person has a learning disability and they have accommodations to put them on the same playing level as everyone else, is that cheating? No!" This powerful self-advocacy resulted in the teacher exempting Emily from the spelling tests as stipulated in her 504 plan. Emily's success illustrates the pinnacle of celebration - a child who understands their needs and can appropriately communicate them. This ability doesn't develop overnight but emerges from consistent parental encouragement and recognition of small steps toward independence. To nurture this growth in your child, start by paying attention to their efforts rather than just their achievements. When your daughter remembers to put her homework in her backpack without a reminder, acknowledge this specific action: "I noticed you remembered your math homework today - that shows good planning." This precision helps cement the positive behavior in their memory. Create opportunities for your child to recognize their own strengths. Ask questions like, "What do you think you did well today?" or "What strategy helped you finish that assignment?" These reflective conversations help them internalize positive self-talk to counter the negative messages they often give themselves. Encourage your child to participate in meetings about their education. Even elementary-aged children can attend portions of IEP or 504 meetings to share what helps them learn best. As they mature, gradually increase their role in these discussions, supporting them to articulate their needs respectfully but clearly. Remember that self-advocacy develops in stages. Initially, you'll need to model it by speaking up for your child. Gradually, you'll shift to coaching them through challenging situations. Eventually, they'll take the lead while you provide background support. Each stage deserves celebration, as it represents significant growth in their journey toward independence.

Chapter 6: Manage Technology in the Digital Age

Technology presents both remarkable opportunities and significant challenges for children with ADHD. Their brains are naturally drawn to the stimulation, immediate feedback, and dopamine hits that screens provide, making technology management one of the most common battlegrounds in families today. Kyle, a 12-year-old with ADHD, describes a typical scenario: "Usually, my dad has to yell at me to get off the computer. First, he tells me to stop and I'm like, 'Okay. Let me just finish this game.' Then it takes like another thirty minutes. Then he yells and he's really mad and I get kind of shocked and get off." This pattern creates frustration for everyone involved, with neither Kyle nor his father feeling good about their interactions. The solution lies in a structured approach called "Easy On/Easy Off," which establishes clear expectations and meaningful incentives for transitioning from screen time to other activities. Instead of threats or punishments that rarely work long-term, this collaborative method creates a system that both parent and child help design and follow. To implement this approach, first determine a reasonable baseline amount of daily screen time that your child automatically receives. For example, if you decide on 90 minutes total, the first hour becomes non-negotiable "gimme" time that isn't removed as punishment for unrelated behaviors. The additional 30 minutes serves as a powerful incentive for smooth transitions. Next, establish a clear protocol for ending screen sessions. Set two timers - one for you and one for your child. Provide structured warnings at five minutes and two minutes before the end time, using the "Rule of Three" communication technique: make eye contact, deliver the message clearly, and have your child repeat it back. When the final alarm sounds, if your child transitions cooperatively, they earn their bonus screen time for the following day. J.J., age 12, smiled when this system was proposed: "I like that. I could do that." His father, however, initially balked: "So now every time he puts electronics down I'm supposed to play cruise director? I don't have time for that." Yet after trying the approach, he discovered that the temporary investment of time and attention actually reduced overall conflict and taught J.J. valuable transitioning skills. For teens, technology management requires additional considerations around social media and online safety. Establish clear family guidelines about appropriate online behavior, digital footprints, and privacy. Most importantly, model healthy technology use yourself. As Carly, age 12, pointed out: "My brother is on his phone, Papa's on his computer doing spreadsheets, and Mama's on Facebook, so there's no one to socialize with. That's why I want to text my friends." Create technology-free family times and spaces, particularly around meals and bedtime. Keep computers and devices in common areas rather than bedrooms to facilitate monitoring. Use parental controls appropriately while recognizing they're just one tool in your approach. Remember that the goal isn't eliminating technology but teaching balanced, healthy use. Computer games and social media can offer valuable benefits for ADHD children - providing social connection, building confidence through mastery, and even developing focus in areas of interest. By establishing clear structures and expectations, you transform technology from a source of family conflict to a positive part of your child's development.

Summary

The journey of raising a child with ADHD transforms when we shift from trying to "fix" them to truly understanding and connecting with them. Throughout this journey, the Five C's approach - self-Control, Compassion, Collaboration, Consistency, and Celebration - provides a roadmap for building your child's confidence and capabilities. As one father eloquently stated, "The power of example is all any of us can do for our kids." When you model self-regulation, demonstrate understanding, involve your child in solutions, maintain reliable structures, and acknowledge progress, you create the foundation they need to flourish. Today, take one small step toward implementation by choosing a single challenging situation with your child. Rather than focusing on the behavior itself, get curious about what's happening underneath it. Ask open-ended questions, listen without judgment, and invite your child to help create a solution. This simple shift from correction to connection can begin transforming your relationship immediately, setting the stage for your child's lifelong success and self-confidence. Remember that progress, not perfection, is the goal - for both you and your extraordinary ADHD child.

About Author

Loading...

Sharon Saline

Sharon Saline, Psy.D., a licensed clinical psychologist with more than 30 years’ experience, is a top expert on ADHD, anxiety, learning differences and mental health challenges and their impact on school and family dynamics. Her unique perspective, a sibling of a child who wrestled with untreated ADHD, combined with decades of academic excellence and clinical experience, assists her in guiding families as they navigate from the confusing maze of diagnoses and conflict to successful interventions and connections. Dr. Saline funnels this expertise into her new book, What Your ADHD Child Wishes You Knew: Working Together to Empower Kids for Success in School and Life. Heralded as an invaluable resource, her book is the recipient of two highly-acclaimed awards: Best Book Awards winner by American Book Fest and the Gold Medal from Moms' Choice Awards.As an internationally sought-after lecturer and workshop facilitator, she combines psychology with her love of theatre to animatedly present on a variety of topics from understanding ADHD, executive functioning and anxiety in children and teens, making sense of the teen brain, working with different kinds of learners and raising digital citizens. A magna cum laude graduate of Brown University, she received her master’s degree in psychology from New College of California and her doctorate in psychology from the California School of Professional Psychology at Alliant University. Dr. Saline is a regular contributor to ADDitude.com and PsychologyToday.com, a featured expert on MASS Appeal on WWLP-TV and a part-time lecturer at the Smith School for Social Work. She lives with her family in Northampton, MA. Learn more at www.drsharonsaline.com and @DrSharonSaline.

Read more