Women Rowing North

Women Rowing North Plot Summary

Introduction

As women approach their sixties and seventies, they find themselves at a fascinating juncture - a border crossing where everything interesting happens. Their bodies and relationships change as the pace of change accelerates. Society often devalues older women, viewing them through a lens of ageism and stereotypes, yet paradoxically, research shows women become increasingly happy after age fifty-five, with their peak happiness often occurring toward the very end of life. This journey through later life requires navigating physical changes, evolving identities, and societal challenges with intention and skill. Women must craft new narratives for themselves, develop resilience in the face of loss, and discover paths to authenticity and joy. The experience is bittersweet - filled with both profound sorrows and moments of transcendent bliss. By examining how women successfully navigate these waters, we discover universal truths about human capacity for growth, connection, and meaning-making in life's later chapters. As they row against cultural currents that would diminish them, older women can discover unexpected reservoirs of strength, wisdom, and even bliss.

Chapter 1: Understanding Our Changing Identity in Later Years

Identity transformation in later life is both subtle and profound. For many women, the solid moorings of career, parenting, and familiar roles begin to shift. A woman who has defined herself primarily through professional accomplishment may struggle when retirement looms. Take Willow, a dedicated nonprofit director in her seventies who sees her work as intrinsic to her identity. When faced with her husband Saul's Parkinson's diagnosis, she must reconcile her professional passion with caregiving responsibilities, leading to an existential crisis about who she truly is. Women's identities in later life often face both internal and external challenges. Society bombards them with negative stereotypes - witches, difficult mothers-in-law, or invisible entities. Birthday cards mock them, Hollywood erases them, and strangers infantilize them with phrases like "Do we want our jacket now, honey?" These cultural narratives collide with the complex, rich internal lives women actually experience. Navigating this dissonance requires developing what one might call "identity resilience" - the ability to maintain a strong sense of self despite contradictory messages. Many women find themselves growing more authentic with age. The need to please others diminishes as priorities shift toward genuine self-expression. For Emma, a retired teacher, learning to listen to her inner voice rather than reflexively accommodating everyone else's needs becomes her core developmental task. After decades of being socialized to believe good women are happy only when others are happy, she gradually develops stronger boundaries with her demanding daughter Alice and discovers greater personal autonomy. The transition often involves paradoxical growth - gaining by letting go. Women frequently describe shedding identities that no longer serve them while discovering untapped aspects of themselves. Kestrel, whose early trauma led to emotional walls and alcohol dependence, finds herself opening to vulnerability and connection when caring for her cancer-stricken mother. Her frosty demeanor thaws as she allows herself genuine emotional intimacy with her partner Becca for the first time. For many women, this changing identity involves reclaiming narratives. Rather than accepting cultural scripts about declining relevance, they assert their continued value through advocacy, creativity, and connection. Some women become activists for the first time, while others discover artistic talents they never knew they possessed. The developmental task isn't simply accepting limitations but expanding possibilities within new parameters. As Austrian novelist Marie von Ebner-Eschenbach observed, "Old age transfigures or fossilizes." Women who flourish choose transfiguration, crafting identities that incorporate wisdom gained through decades of experience. This identity transformation doesn't happen automatically - it requires intention and skill. The women who navigate this transition most successfully develop specific practices: mindfulness, boundary-setting, self-compassion, and community-building. They learn to integrate past and present selves while remaining open to continued evolution. In doing so, they don't just survive aging; they discover what Margaret Fuller called the "radiant sovereign self" - an authentic identity that transcends cultural limitations and embraces life in all its complexity.

Chapter 2: Navigating Physical Changes and New Limitations

The body becomes an undeniable focus as women age. Bones, shape, vision, sense of smell and taste, and even teeth change. Skin thins, cartilage deteriorates, and balance becomes precarious. For women previously defined by appearance, this transition can trigger identity crises. One woman stopped wearing swimsuits at forty, saying, "I don't want to ruin anyone's day at the beach." These physical changes arrive alongside reduced energy levels and shifting cognitive patterns. Suddenly, multitasking becomes more challenging, and recovery from exertion takes longer. Pain often becomes a persistent companion. Sylvia, raising grandchildren in Austin after her daughter's drug addiction, battles arthritis alongside emotional heartache. Initially resistant to seeking help, she eventually visits a pain clinic where her therapist Megan teaches her rating systems, journaling techniques, and introduces her to therapeutic swimming. The warm water becomes transformative, not just physically but emotionally. Sylvia begins scheduling "red ink" appointments for self-care alongside family obligations, a radical act of self-preservation for a woman who always put others first. Health challenges require adaptation rather than resignation. When author Mary Pipher discovers her hands are severely damaged from decades of writing, she initially despairs about her identity: "I had always seen myself as a strong, healthy, and competent person... I couldn't conceive of who I would be if I were not physically useful." Yet gradually, she adapts with dictation software, new swimming routines, and modified gardening approaches. More importantly, she shifts her perspective: "When I first heard about my hands, I envisioned all the negative possibilities... but I realized the long view can be a perilous one to take. None of us knows what will happen in our futures. It is much more adaptive to focus on building one good day at a time." Memory changes in complex ways that aren't purely negative. While short-term recall may decline, women often develop deeper and more integrated memories. Background details like misplaced keys become less important than foreground experiences of family, friends, and pivotal life moments. These richly textured memories serve as resources for resilience, providing perspective during difficult times. One woman notes, "My parents made it through the Great Depression and World War II; surely I can make it through hard times as well." Physical changes also affect sexuality, though not uniformly. Some women experience diminished interest while others discover newfound sexual freedom with trusted partners. Health conditions, medications, and relationship changes all influence this aspect of life. What becomes apparent is that sexuality, like all other aspects of aging, requires communication, adaptation, and occasionally reimagining what intimacy means. These physical transitions become opportunities for spiritual growth when approached mindfully. Women discover that limitations can expand their empathy and appreciation for small pleasures. After recovering from cancer, Abby notices her identity returning through simple joys: "As she sipped tea and nibbled on a croissant, she smiled and said, 'The Abby who likes croissants is coming back to me.'" The body's changes become portals to greater self-awareness rather than merely obstacles to overcome. By accepting physical realities while refusing to be defined by them, women develop resilience that transcends the body while honoring its journey.

Chapter 3: Caregiving and Creating Authentic Relationships

Caregiving emerges as both challenge and transformative opportunity for many women in later life. Crystal, who once managed a bustling ice-cream parlor, finds her life "much smaller" after her husband Joel's stroke. She drives him to appointments, manages insurance paperwork, and adapts their social connections to accommodate his limitations. Yet within these constraints, she discovers deeper dimensions of their relationship. Though she misses the Joel who helped her work through ordinary human problems, she values his continued emotional presence: "He is always there to listen and comfort Crystal. Sometimes he can't express his ideas the way he wants, but he can still joke, nod sympathetically, and put his good arm around her." The paradoxical nature of caregiving reveals itself through women's experiences. It simultaneously depletes and fulfills, constrains and expands. When Willow reluctantly leaves her nonprofit career to care for her husband Saul as his Parkinson's progresses, she initially resents the role: "When she pictured a life of putting on Saul's shoes or helping him to the bathroom, it looked so dismal." Yet over time, she discovers unexpected gifts: "She grew into a more empathic woman. Her relationship with Saul became both deeper and more fun... She learned that, while it's good to be useful, sometimes it's better not to be useful." Creating authentic relationships beyond caregiving becomes equally essential. Women develop discernment about which connections nurture them and which deplete their energy. Emma and her friends from the University of Colorado have camped together for thirty years, creating sacred space for mutual support. When one friend receives devastating health news, they hold an impromptu healing ceremony, gathering objects from nature and renaming her "Courage." This intimate circle becomes a source of continuity amid life's upheavals. Friendships take on heightened importance as family roles shift. Carrie, abandoned by her husband for a younger woman at sixty-four, rebuilds her life through her women friends. They eat dinner with her nightly during her darkest months, garden alongside her as she heals, and eventually one moves in as a housemate. "After a year, Carrie felt happier than she had been when she was married. She was proud of her resilience in bouncing back and her creativity in designing a new life for herself." Loss transforms relationships in profound ways. When long-term partnerships end through death or divorce, women must reconstruct their social worlds. Pat, whose husband Jerry died of esophageal cancer, describes the first year after his death as "mournful" and the second as her "grumpy year." Yet through community support and deliberate choices, she gradually finds a new equilibrium. "Joy is my best tribute to his memory," she concludes, though she acknowledges, "To this day, whenever she hears a sound around the house, she waits in vain for its echo" - referring to her husband's habit of imitating household noises. The most resilient women cultivate what anthropologist Margaret Mead called "post-menopausal zest" - directing their relational energy toward community building, intergenerational connections, and social activism. They create spaces where authentic sharing can occur, recognizing that mutual vulnerability builds true intimacy. After decades of socialization to please others, many discover the freedom to choose relationships based on genuine connection rather than obligation. As one woman observes, "What makes me happy is what makes most people happy - a shared memory bank and people whose eyes light up when they see my face."

Chapter 4: Building Community and Finding Purpose

Community becomes both anchor and sail for women navigating later life. After retirement, Nora and her husband Roger identified their suburban neighborhood's lack of a public park and mobilized friends to create one. Four years later, they were planting trees, installing playground equipment, and creating gathering spaces that would outlive them. This project embodied what Nora had learned through previous hardships: "When tragedy struck, she had her trust in the universe and life skills at the ready... She told Lewis, 'We'll get through this and be the better for it.'" Finding purpose often means aligning actions with deeply held values. Lynne, at sixty-seven, developed the Conscious Elders Network after decades focused on raising her stepchildren. She describes her current phase as "my glory years. I am my freest and most empowered." With an acute awareness of ecological crises and social injustice, she channels her energy toward collective action rather than despair. She views elderhood as a time of responsibility, noting, "I've seen many people adapt and be happy in their difficult circumstances. I'm not worried. Attitude trumps circumstance." For many women, community involvement requires balancing engagement with self-preservation. Sandy, newly relocated, enthusiastically joined multiple volunteer projects but withdrew from everything after six months, overwhelmed by commitments. Effective community builders learn to distinguish between what educator and activist Mary Pipher calls "actionable intelligence" and "distractionable intelligence" - focusing energy on issues where they can make meaningful impact rather than becoming overwhelmed by global problems beyond their influence. Intergenerational connections prove particularly rewarding. Ella, Corinne, and Sharon, three African American community leaders in their late sixties and seventies, maintain their neighborhood presence by sitting on their front porches, greeting young families, and maintaining connections with local children. Though they mourn changes in their historically Black neighborhood, they take responsibility for improvement: "I try to follow the Golden Rule," Corinne says. "That's a lot of work." Sharon adds, "I want to work until the day I die," while Ella laughingly responds, "Well I do, too, but I want easy work. I just want to love people." Indigenous perspectives offer particularly powerful models for community building across generations. Renée, an Omaha tribal member, approaches her work as a water protector, community healer, and language preservationist with a profound sense of continuity. She conceptualizes contemporary environmental activism as part of her people's "continuous struggle to protect their land, water, and treaty rights." Her sense of purpose emerges from tribal identity rather than individual achievement: "When I work, energy shoots through my body. I know I am working on sacred ground." The most successful community builders combine clear vision with practical skills. They know how to form groups, distribute responsibilities according to individual strengths, and celebrate small victories. They understand that meaningful change happens gradually through sustained effort rather than dramatic gestures. Most importantly, they recognize that purpose isn't something purchased but rather constructed through choices about how to use time, energy, and attention. As civil rights leader Martin Luther King Jr. described it, working with others for common good creates a "beloved community" - providing meaning that transcends individual concerns while honoring each person's unique contribution.

Chapter 5: Cultivating Resilience Through Narratives

The stories women tell themselves become powerful determinants of their experience. Sylvia in Austin gradually shifts her narrative about grandparenting from burden to blessing: "Too often in the past, she had allowed herself to think of them as a burden when, in fact, they were the best thing in her life." This reframing doesn't deny difficulties but rather places them within a larger context of meaning and purpose. As she watches her grandson Max reading jokes from his corny joke books while she cooks, she recognizes, "That night she felt that she was a lucky woman." Creating resilient narratives requires acknowledging pain while refusing to be defined by it. When Kestrel's mother Evelyn receives a cancer diagnosis, Kestrel must confront her childhood trauma alongside present grief. Her lifelong emotional armor - what she calls "a small fortress of self, surrounded by a moat filled with red wine" - begins to crack. Through caring for her mother and opening to her partner Becca's support, Kestrel develops a new story: not as victim or isolated survivor but as someone capable of trust and tenderness. Memory serves as both raw material and shaping tool for these narratives. Sensory memories prove particularly powerful in reconnecting women with sources of strength and joy. Emma develops a deliberate practice of "bottling" beautiful moments to revisit during difficult times: "Now, when times get tough, she can pull out that bottle and take a big sip of Yellowstone or the Pacific Ocean." These emotional reservoirs sustain women through periods when immediate circumstances might otherwise overwhelm them. Ceremonies and rituals provide communal frameworks for story revision. Many women find high school reunions, family gatherings, and anniversary celebrations offer opportunities to revisit and reinterpret past experiences. One woman describes how an annual January retreat with her daughter-in-law helps them transition "from the story of one year to the story of the next." These intentional pauses allow women to consciously craft healing narratives rather than passively absorbing cultural scripts about aging. Resilient narratives often emerge from crucible experiences. Sal, sexually abused by an uncle throughout childhood and later struggling with alcoholism, eventually establishes her own spiritual ministry. Her message is "simply that we are worthy of love and respect." Her personal narrative transforms from victimhood to empowerment: "When I look back on my life, I see darkness and pain. I was an outsider. I was assaulted, insulted, and bullied. I am amazed I am here today." This amazement becomes the foundation for her work helping others find their own paths to healing. The most powerful narratives integrate contradictions rather than resolving them. Women develop stories that accommodate both joy and sorrow, gain and loss, beauty and pain. As one woman reflects after watching a sunset following a friend's memorial service: "The last of the sun's rays illuminated its yellow breast as it called out, 'We are alive. Be grateful.'" This capacity to hold life's fullness - what poet Walt Whitman called "containing multitudes" - represents the highest form of narrative resilience. By crafting stories that embrace everything, women develop the emotional agility to navigate whatever comes next on their journey.

Chapter 6: Embracing Family Connections and Grandchildren

Family relationships take on heightened significance as women age, offering both their deepest joys and most profound challenges. For Kestrel, who maintained emotional distance throughout her life, her mother's cancer catalyzes unexpected connection. When she organizes a family reunion where her brothers and their families gather to support her dying mother, Kestrel discovers: "Until this visit, she hadn't realized how much she had needed a family or how safe a good family could make her feel." This newfound appreciation for family bonds transforms her understanding of herself and her capacity for intimacy. Grandchildren often provide a special form of fulfillment. Sylvia, raising grandchildren Max and Gracie after her daughter's drug addiction, finds unexpected healing through this role. Despite arthritis pain and financial struggles, she delights in Gracie's singing and Max's corny jokes. When Max tells her, "Grandma, you are so beautiful," Sylvia experiences transcendent connection: "She felt a warmth enfold her. Max looked as if he were made of light. She was exactly where she most wanted to be." Many women discover unique opportunities to transmit values and wisdom through grandparenting. They share family stories, cultural traditions, and practical skills that might otherwise be lost. One grandmother uses a storytelling technique involving two fictional families - the well-behaved "Lovelies" and the disastrous "McGarigles" - to teach social expectations before special events. Others play "What If?" games to help grandchildren develop problem-solving skills for challenging situations. These interactions become vehicles for moral education and identity formation that benefit both generations. The grandparent-grandchild relationship often allows for qualities that may have been harder to access during parenting years. Women describe greater patience, playfulness, and presence with grandchildren. One woman notes the paradox that "when Kate was a baby I was fifty-four; now I am seventy" - acknowledging that grandmothering requires constant adjustment as both children and grandmothers change. The most successful grandmothers learn to love not just the memories of young grandchildren but "the people my grandchildren are becoming." Family relationships require particular delicacy as power dynamics shift. Women who were once primary decision-makers for their children must now respect their adult children's parenting choices. As one Buddhist grandmother puts it, "My mantra is 'I am not being called upon to issue an opinion.'" This restraint doesn't diminish connection but rather transforms it into something more mutual. Women learn to balance their deep love and concern with acceptance that they are "not in charge." For women without biological family nearby, chosen family becomes essential. Some women "adopt" brothers, sisters, nieces and nephews from among friends and neighbors. Others create intergenerational connections through volunteer work with children or young adults. The foundation of family - belonging unconditionally to a group of people who share history and commitment - transcends genetic relationships. As author Jane Howard observed, "Call it a clan, call it a network, call it a tribe, call it a family. Whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one."

Chapter 7: Discovering Authenticity and Moments of Bliss

Authenticity emerges as the culminating achievement of women's later years - what Margaret Fuller called the "radiant sovereign self." For Emma, this means finally learning to listen to her inner voice rather than reflexively accommodating others. When her daughter Alice asks for money for a gym membership, Emma's natural impulse is to give in despite previous broken promises. Instead, drawing on her therapy work, she sets a reasonable boundary: "You pay for the first couple of months and then, if you are using the gym regularly, I'll pay half." This simple act of self-respect triggers cascading positive changes in her relationships with both her husband and daughter. For many women, authenticity involves reconnection with long-suppressed aspects of themselves. Kestrel, whose traumatic childhood led to emotional walls and alcohol dependence, discovers vulnerability through caring for her dying mother and opening to partnership with Becca. She describes this transformation as bark falling from a tree: "She felt as if she could trust not only Becca but other people too. She wasn't afraid." This newfound emotional freedom leads to her first authentic declaration of love - words she had never before spoken. Spiritual awakening often accompanies this authenticity. Sal, who experienced sexual abuse, addiction, and cancer, ultimately establishes her own ministry. She describes finding what she had sought her entire life: "I have looked for God all of my life and now God blesses me with her presence." For others, spiritual connection comes through nature, art, or quiet contemplation. One woman describes a night watching stars in the Bahamas when she received the insight, "Let the stars be the stars. That is enough" - a moment of accepting reality without attempting to manipulate or control it. These authentic connections lead to experiences of transcendent bliss. Emma captures this during a family reunion at a mountain cabin: "All of a sudden, Emma felt the ions in the air change and she was totally immersed in the moment. She felt as if she were in the heart of the universe. She experienced a great physical rush of pure happiness. Time stopped entirely and all the voices around her faded. The entire atmosphere shimmered with what Emma could only describe as bliss." Paradoxically, bliss often emerges most powerfully during difficult circumstances. When Willow and Saul face a frightening choking incident related to his Parkinson's disease, their subsequent conversation achieves profound intimacy. After acknowledging his readiness for death whenever it comes, Saul tells her, "I've had a great life with you." Willow responds, "I wouldn't have missed a minute of the life we had together. L'Chaim." This capacity to find beauty within struggle represents the highest form of resilience. The women who discover authentic joy aren't those who have avoided suffering but rather those who have integrated it into fuller understanding. Jackie, dying of cancer in her fifties, finds unexpected moments of transcendence despite physical deterioration. Watching swallows and meadowlarks by a lake, she quotes Willa Cather: "This is happiness - to be dissolved into something complete and great." This dissolution of boundaries between self and world, past and present, joy and sorrow characterizes the deepest authenticity. As one woman reflects, watching a three-legged cat sunning itself after surviving winter: "The women who discover authentic joy aren't those who have avoided suffering but rather those who have integrated it into fuller understanding."

Summary

Women rowing against the current of aging in our society demonstrate remarkable resilience, creativity, and depth. Their journeys reveal a universal truth: our greatest growth often emerges from our most significant challenges. The women who flourish don't deny reality but face it directly, crafting lives of meaning despite physical limitations, societal invisibility, and inevitable losses. They develop specific capacities - perspective-taking, emotional processing, narrative crafting, and relationship-building - that transform potential bitterness into wisdom and gratitude. The most profound lesson from women's later-life journeys is that authenticity becomes possible precisely when cultural expectations loosen their grip. When women no longer feel compelled to please everyone, maintain perfect appearances, or conform to narrow definitions of success, they discover freedom to live from their truest selves. This authenticity creates capacity for deep connection, moments of transcendent bliss, and contributions to community that may have been impossible during earlier life stages. For those willing to row northward with intention and skill, the journey's challenges become portals to profound joy rather than obstacles to happiness. As Meridel Le Sueur proclaimed in her later years, "I am luminous with age" - a declaration that captures the radiant possibility available to women who embrace rather than resist this transformative journey.

About Author

Loading...

Mary Pipher

Mary Elizabeth Pipher, also known as Mary Bray Pipher, is an American clinical psychologist and author, most recently of Women Rowing North, a book on aging gracefully. Prior to that, she wrote The Green Boat, which was published by Riverhead Books in June 2013.

Read more