You Say More Than You Think

You Say More Than You Think Plot Summary

Introduction

Have you ever wondered why some people seem to command attention effortlessly when they enter a room? Or why certain individuals can convince others, negotiate better deals, and create instant rapport while the rest of us struggle to get our point across? The secret lies not in what they say, but in how they say it through their body language. Nonverbal communication accounts for up to 93% of our message, yet most of us remain unaware of the silent signals we're constantly sending and receiving. Imagine having the ability to accurately read others' true intentions while simultaneously projecting exactly the image you want. This isn't about manipulation or trickery—it's about authentic communication that aligns your inner confidence with your outer expression. By mastering the science of nonverbal power, you'll develop a natural ability to create genuine connections, command respect, and ultimately achieve your personal and professional goals with greater ease than you ever thought possible.

Chapter 1: Walk in Their Shoes: Mastering Empathy

Empathy is the foundation of powerful nonverbal communication. It's about understanding another person's perspective so thoroughly that you can experience the world through their eyes. This ability to connect with others at a deep level is what allows you to read their body language accurately and respond appropriately. Consider the case of Special Agent Susan Bray (known as Sissy), who was investigating a firearms trafficking case involving the Latin Kings street gang in Chicago. One gang member named Jody had escaped prosecution, but his brother Jamie had been killed by members of his own gang. Sissy knew Jamie's murder trial would be an excellent opportunity to gather intelligence, so she attended every court date. There, she noticed a young woman—the mother of Jamie's child—who harbored resentment toward Jody for not preventing his brother's death. This young woman became Sissy's informant, helping her gather evidence against Jody. After Jody's arrest, Sissy established rapport with him by showing interest in his side business of refurbishing houses. Rather than immediately pressing him about guns or gang activity, she would chat about plumbing, insulation, and hardwood floors before smoothly transitioning to questions about the gun trafficking operation. By understanding Jody's interests and speaking to him with respect, she built a connection so strong that even during his trial, when representing himself, Jody told the jury: "I'd like to start by telling you that ATF special agent Susan Bray—I call her Sissy, and most of her friends do—she really is a good person." This process of understanding someone's natural behavior—called "baselining" or "norming"—is the foundation of effective body language reading. To establish a person's baseline, observe them for two to ten minutes in a stress-free environment. Look at their head, shoulders, knees, and toes—a childhood song that serves as a useful reminder to scan the entire body. Notice their typical gestures, posture, and facial expressions. Only after establishing this baseline can you accurately identify when someone deviates from their norm, revealing potential deception or discomfort. To practice empathy and baselining in your daily interactions, begin with careful observation. Take an hour today to observe three different "types" of people—shy, confident, and aggressive. Draw a stick figure for each and note the body language in each area. Practice this exercise often enough, and you'll start doing it automatically, strengthening your natural ability to read others. Remember, effective body language begins with understanding others before you attempt to influence them. By walking in their shoes and establishing their baseline, you create the foundation for authentic connection—and that's where true influence begins.

Chapter 2: The Belly Button Rule: Direct Your Focus

The Belly Button Rule is a powerful yet often overlooked principle of body language. This concept, discovered through research by W.T. James in the 1930s and further refined by Dr. Albert Mehrabian, reveals that the direction our belly button faces reflects our attitude and emotional state. Simply put, we point our navel toward people and things we like, trust, and find interesting, and we turn away from those we dislike, distrust, or wish to avoid. Jimmy Ebert, a senior investigator nicknamed "The Nose" for his ability to sniff out more than just falsified paperwork and hidden explosives, once interviewed a suspect in a money-laundering scheme. During questioning, Jimmy noticed the suspect began to shift away from him. "He turned his body to the right and started hunching his body over as he turned away," Jimmy explained. This was a clear Probing Point—a deviation from the suspect's baseline behavior. Jimmy directly addressed this shift: "Dude, why don't you take out what we both know is in your pocket? You're practically lying on your thigh hoping I don't notice the huge bulge you're trying to hide." Surprised, the suspect laughed and removed a wad of $4,600 in cash from his pocket. Jimmy had observed how the suspect subtly kept angling his belly button away from him, signaling discomfort and deception. The Belly Button Rule works equally well in business settings. In boardroom discussions, watch how people orient their navels. You might see one person's upper body facing the leader while their belly button points toward someone else at the table—revealing where their true loyalty or interest lies. Similarly, in social situations, observing belly button direction can save you time and energy. If someone you're speaking with suddenly turns their navel toward an exit, they're signaling a desire to end the conversation. To use this rule to your advantage, consciously direct your belly button toward people you want to connect with. Former President Bill Clinton exemplifies this technique. When meeting someone new, he points his belly button directly at them, gives them a warm smile and handshake, and even maintains eye contact for an extra second after moving on, as if to say, "I hate to let you go." You can also strategically redirect your navel to create specific effects. Turn it away to give a "cold shoulder" when you need to disengage from an unwanted conversation. Use it as a "truth magnet" with teenagers—face your belly button toward them when they're honest and away when they lie, subtly encouraging more truthful communication. Create mystery and attraction on dates by first aligning your belly button with someone, then slightly turning away while maintaining other positive signals. Practice the Belly Button Rule today by observing where people direct their navels and experimenting with your own. Notice how changing your belly button position affects conversations and connections. This simple adjustment can dramatically improve your ability to read others accurately and influence interactions positively.

Chapter 3: Master Your Lower Body Language

What we do with our "naughty bits"—whether we direct them forward confidently or hide them behind crossed legs, hands, or a crouched torso—speaks volumes about our comfort and confidence levels. Like your belly button, your lower body provides clear indicators of your interest in or aversion to certain people and situations. During a training session for the FBI's National Instant Criminal Background Check System, a manager announced immediate schedule changes that would severely impact employees' lives. "If the new schedule doesn't work for you, put in your resignation now," he growled. "Because for every one of you sitting here, there are a hundred other people who would love to fill your seats, and your new schedule!" As this harsh news spread through the room, people began to display textbook signs of vulnerability: wringing hands, crossed ankles, and legs tightly pressed together—all unconscious attempts to protect their most vulnerable body parts, including their reproductive organs. When we feel threatened, we instinctively make ourselves smaller and protect our "naughty bits." This manifests in several common poses. The "fig leaf" position—hands clasped in front of the groin—signals discomfort and anxiety. Hands shoved deep into pockets, crossed ankles, and legs wrapped around chair legs all similarly communicate insecurity and nervousness. Neal Earl, a senior ATF investigator, uses these signals to gauge liars. During an inspection of a blaster's storehouse, Neal noticed the owner immediately shifted from a relaxed stance to the fig leaf position upon learning Neal was from ATF. This change, along with repeated glances toward his trucks, led to the discovery of illegally stored explosives. Conversely, confident individuals tend to "show off" their naughty bits through wider stances and open postures. The "crotch display" with feet planted wide apart signals power and confidence. Men sometimes use the "one leg up" display, resting a foot on a step or chair rung, which communicates territorial ownership. The "hooking" gesture—thumbs in belt loops or pockets with hands on the outside—projects independence and authority. To project confidence, practice standing with a wider stance. While the average stance is less than six inches between feet for women and six to ten inches for men, widening this distance can dramatically increase your perceived power. As my self-defense instructor Steve Bisnett explained, imagine two candles on a table: one tall and skinny, the other short and fat. If the table is bumped, the tall skinny candle will fall over, while the short fat one remains stable. Make yourself the short fat candle—unmovable, unshakable, confident. However, in situations where you truly need to conceal anxiety—like testifying in court—strategically hiding your lower body can help. During my first courtroom testimony, I was extremely nervous, but the witness box concealed my bouncing legs while my upper body displayed confidence. This allowed me to channel my nervous energy downward while projecting authority to the jury. When appropriate, choose settings with tables or desks that allow you to hide signs of anxiety while you build confidence. Remember, your lower body language reflects your internal state. By practicing confident postures and being aware of what your "bits" are communicating, you'll project greater authority and command more respect in every interaction.

Chapter 4: Right Side Advantage: Strategic Positioning

Have you ever been with someone you usually enjoy, but for no apparent reason found yourself in a bad mood? Or arrived at meetings early to sit beside your supervisor, only to receive the cold shoulder? The cause might be simpler than you think—you might be sitting on the wrong side of that person. Everyone has a preferred side, and positioning yourself correctly can make all the difference in establishing rapport and influence. This revelation came to me during my time as an ATF instructor at the Federal Law Enforcement Training Center. For years, I had taught the "Old Right Side Rule," which stated that standing on someone's right side (where handshakes occur) would build rapport, while moving to their left would break it. This theory suggested the handshake created an emotional anchor that could be retriggered by standing on that same side. However, during a training session in 2004, I had a breakthrough when a student forcefully told me, "I do not like you on my right side!" Intrigued, I created an on-the-spot exercise where everyone tested their partners by standing on both their right and left sides while asking questions. The results were eye-opening: while 60 percent preferred people on their right side, 40 percent preferred their left. Among law enforcement officials specifically, only 20 percent chose their gun side (usually right) as their positive side. I witnessed this principle in action during an investigation of a pawnshop owner suspected of firearms trafficking. When I stood to his left, "he would take a deep swallow and put his hands in his pockets, but when I stood to his right side, he'd relax, talk more, and use his hands to express himself." Later in the investigation, when confronting him about discrepancies in his records, I deliberately moved to his left side, crossed my arms, and angled my belly button away from him to break rapport and apply pressure. This strategic positioning helped extract important information that eventually led to his conviction. To determine someone's preferred side, use a subtle approach. During conversation, start on one side of the person, then casually move to the other. Watch for changes in body language: on their "bad" side, they might take deep swallows, nervously giggle, pull in their chin, redirect their navel away from you, cover their bits, or put their hands in their pockets. On their "good" side, they'll relax, use more expressive gestures, and take up more space. Once you know a person's preferred side, you can strategically position yourself to build rapport (on their good side) or create pressure (on their bad side). This knowledge is invaluable in negotiations, sales conversations, and even personal relationships. One mother who learned this technique reported a dramatic improvement in her marriage after changing the sides of the bed she and her husband slept on, moving her husband to her preferred right side. Remember to test your own right/left preference as well. Knowing which side makes you most comfortable can help you manage your own energy and confidence in social situations. When you need to be at your best, position others on your good side to boost your own comfort and confidence.

Chapter 5: Power Gestures That Command Respect

Gestures are like punctuation marks for our speech. Whether we're passionately defending a decision, explaining an idea, or simply waving goodbye, we use gestures both consciously and unconsciously to give our verbal messages added weight. When used correctly, power gestures can dramatically increase your perceived authority and confidence. Matt, an employee with a training company, demonstrated how quickly gestures can reveal our inner state. When we first met, he used open-palm gestures while enthusiastically discussing his work. Later, when his superior entered the conversation, Matt's shoulders pulled forward and his thumbs disappeared into his pockets. This subtle change in gestures immediately revealed his relationship to the other man—a subordinate position in the hierarchy. Power gestures fall along a continuum from weakest to strongest. At the weakest end are self-touch gestures (also called manipulators or pacifiers), which signal nervousness, lack of confidence, or boredom. These include rubbing fingers together, fidgeting, picking at nails, or putting hands in pockets. Even Madonna, despite her confident public persona, "tucks her thumb into her palm of her hands and wraps her fingers around it" when she needs reassurance, according to her brother Christopher Ciccone. Moving up the confidence scale, we find the shoulder shrug—a classic sign of indifference or uncertainty. When someone shrugs while making a definitive statement, it reveals doubt about what they're saying. Britney Spears displayed numerous shoulder shrugs during an interview about the stability of her marriage to Kevin Federline—five months before filing for divorce. True power gestures begin with the "Superman pose"—hands on both hips, creating a "broadside display" that visually enlarges the upper body. This stance sends a clear message that you're confident and ready for action. Even more powerful is the "full frontal" pose, where all three vulnerable areas—neck dimple, belly button, and naughty bits—remain confidently open and exposed. The various forms of "steepling"—pressing fingertips together—are among the most recognized power gestures. The standard steeple indicates knowledge and assuredness. The A-OK two-fingered steeple suggests precise thought. The basketball steeple (hands spread as if holding a basketball) conveys passion and sincerity. The aggressive handgun steeple, with index finger extended, can assertively make a point but risks appearing overbearing. My father, a shy fire department mechanic, used the steepling technique during court testimony and later reported with pride: "I steepled the whole time. It means confidence and authority. The lawyers didn't know what to do because I stole their move." Because he believed the gesture meant power, he began to embody those qualities in his posture, tone, and overall presence. To develop your power gesture repertoire, first eliminate self-touch moves that undermine your authority. Practice the Superman pose in front of a mirror, then gradually introduce appropriate steepling gestures in your daily conversations. Use them sparingly and strategically—when making important points or when you need to project extra confidence. Remember that true confidence isn't about dominating others but about communicating with clarity and authority.

Chapter 6: Put Your Best Face Forward

Your face is the most expressive part of your body, capable of communicating complex emotions in milliseconds. In 2004, ATF senior investigator Tom Shalayda and I presented a firearms manufacturer with a government tax bill exceeding one million dollars due to miscalculations. When we returned two weeks later about another small error, the company president—visible from his office—displayed unmistakable signs of rage: clenched fists, furrowed brows, and a disappeared upper lip. Shortly after, he erupted at us, throwing a penny on the table and ordering us off the property. Had we been more attentive to his facial expressions earlier, we might have avoided this confrontation. The ability to read facial emotions is fundamental to nonverbal communication. According to pioneering researcher Dr. Paul Ekman, humans share seven universal emotions that trigger the same facial muscle movements regardless of culture: anger, disgust, fear, happiness, sadness, surprise, and contempt. While we've learned to mask our true feelings, we still exhibit involuntary microexpressions—fleeting facial movements lasting less than a quarter second—that reveal our authentic emotions. Four particularly important facial expressions to recognize are what I call the "Dangerous Four": Psychopathic Happiness (also called "Duper's Delight"), Fleeting Anger, Disguised Disgust, and Killer Contempt. Duper's Delight is the inappropriate joy or happiness displayed by someone who's being deceptive—like convicted murderer Neil Entwistle, who leaked smiles while supposedly crying about his slaughtered wife and baby daughter. Fleeting Anger often appears when someone is anxious, feels challenged, or is lying and fears being caught. Disguised Disgust (indicated by a wrinkled nose, scrunched upper lip, and contorted mouth) can signal escalating negative feelings. Killer Contempt, characterized by a smirk or half-smile on one side of the face, suggests feelings of moral superiority and is a relationship death knell, according to researcher Dr. John Gottman. Your own facial expressions are equally important. If your resting face appears stern or angry (with a wrinkled forehead and downturned mouth), people may perceive you as aggressive, uptight, or unhappy—even if that's not how you feel inside. Practice maintaining a more pleasant baseline expression, with a smooth forehead and slightly upturned mouth, to appear friendly, likable, and approachable. Be mindful of "facial fondling" as well—how you touch your own face. Face resting on hand appears bored, while hand resting on face seems contemplative. Scratching your nose might be interpreted as deception, while covering your mouth can signal disagreement. The chin grab, however, is seen as a sign of thoughtful consideration. Even your "blank face" communicates—telling others "DO NOT DISTURB." To develop greater facial awareness, ask friends to photograph you with three different expressions: at rest, slightly smiling, and slightly stressed. Have them show these photos to strangers and ask which personality traits they associate with each. The results might surprise you! With this awareness, you can consciously adjust your facial expressions to better align with your intended message, creating more positive and productive interactions with everyone you meet.

Chapter 7: Ask Powerful Questions

Most of us talk far too much. Our culture tends to honor "talkers" as influential people—but you can gather more useful information by asking powerful questions and then listening attentively to the answers. This approach was demonstrated perfectly by Cindy, a seventh-grade teacher who used the QWQ—Question, Wait, Question—formula to stop the destructive practice of "slam books" in her classroom. When Cindy noticed what appeared to be a slam book being passed around, she confronted the suspected ringleader after class. The girl handed over a fake notebook, claiming it was the only one she had. Using the QWQ formula, Cindy asked, "Is there any reason why you wouldn't give me the real book?" The student protested vehemently. Cindy simply tilted her head and said somewhat sarcastically, "Really?" Then she practiced W.A.I.T.—Why Am I Talking?—allowing the girl to talk herself into a corner. Finally, Cindy asked, "Is there anything you would like to get off your chest?" The girl reached into her bag and handed over the real slam book, resolving the situation quickly with minimal drama. Listening is a critical skill many overlook because we're all experts on ourselves with "tons of information to share." However, powerful people recognize that sharing too much personal information can weaken them, so they encourage others to speak instead. When you listen rather than speak, you gain control of the conversation, filter the information, and learn valuable details about what matters to others. Plus, most people love talking about themselves—active listeners are considered "great conversationalists." Powerful questions are crafted to elicit the most useful information in the least amount of time. The most effective questions typically begin with "how" or "what" rather than "why," which can make people defensive. For example, instead of asking, "Why are we here today?" say, "What's on the agenda for today?" Instead of "Why did you put Steve in charge of the project?" try "How does putting Steve in charge of the project help you?" The QWQ formula structures this questioning approach into three steps: Q—Ask a Powerful Question to search for a Probing Point; W—Wait and listen truly to what the other person says; Q—Ask another Powerful Question or an All-Powerful Question. This technique can be adapted into specific formulas for different situations: Formula One assigns a positive trait ("You're trustworthy, right?"), validates that claim ("If you said you'd do something, you'd do it, right?"), and compares yourself to the person ("I'm like that too"). This establishes expectations for future interactions. Formula Two gathers information in less confrontational negotiations: "Maybe I'm wrong here, but it seems to me that you are..." followed by waiting, then "What's REALLY going on?" and "Tell me more about that." Formula Three detects deception: "Is there any reason why...?" followed by silence, then "Really?" with more silence, and finally "[Name], is there something you want to get off your chest?" Combined with anchoring techniques—where you create positive or negative associations through touch, words, or other stimuli—these questioning strategies give you powerful tools to uncover truth, build trust, and guide conversations toward your desired outcomes. Practice these formulas in your daily interactions, and you'll be amazed at how much more information people willingly share with you.

Summary

Through the journey of mastering nonverbal communication, you've discovered that true body language expertise comes from integrating three critical components: Accuracy in reading others, Application of effective techniques, and most importantly, Attitude—the confidence that transforms your entire approach to communication. As author Herman Hesse beautifully expressed, "Most people are like a falling leaf that drifts and turns in the air, flutters, and falls to the ground. But a few others are like stars which travel on one defined path: no wind reaches them, they have within themselves their guide and path." You now possess a comprehensive toolkit for nonverbal mastery: the Belly Button Rule to direct focus and gauge interest, the ability to work your lower body language for confidence, the Right Side advantage for strategic positioning, power gestures that command respect, facial expressions that build trust, and questioning techniques that uncover truth. The question is not whether you can use these tools, but whether you will choose to implement them consistently to transform your interactions and achieve your goals. Today, make a commitment to practice just one technique from this powerful arsenal. Perhaps direct your belly button toward someone important in your life, use a power stance in your next meeting, or apply the QWQ formula in a challenging conversation. Don't wait for perfect conditions—begin now. As the story of the soldier finding Garcia teaches us, success comes not from asking endless questions or making excuses, but from taking immediate, determined action toward your goals. You have everything you need—now go find your Garcia!

About Author

Loading...

Janine Driver

Read more