Permission to Feel

Permission to Feel Plot Summary

Introduction

Imagine sitting in a meeting when suddenly your boss criticizes your recent project in front of everyone. Your heart races, your face flushes, and you feel a knot forming in your stomach. In that moment, emotions flood your system—perhaps anger, embarrassment, or fear. Most of us would try to suppress these feelings, putting on a brave face while internally struggling with the emotional storm. This scenario illustrates what happens to millions of people every day. We experience powerful emotions but lack the skills to recognize, understand, and manage them effectively. The consequences are profound—from damaged relationships to poor decision-making, from health problems to workplace dysfunction. Yet emotions aren't the enemy; they're valuable signals containing critical information about our needs and experiences. When we learn to decode these signals rather than ignore them, we unlock a powerful source of wisdom that can transform our lives. This journey begins with something surprisingly simple yet revolutionary: giving ourselves permission to feel.

Chapter 1: The Science of Emotions: Why Feelings Matter

Imagine a thirteen-year-old boy, bullied at school and struggling at home with parents who couldn't understand his pain. This was Marc Brackett, now a leading emotional intelligence researcher, who found himself in a spiral of despair until his uncle Marvin asked him a simple yet profound question: "Marc, how are you feeling?" With those words, the emotional dam broke, and years of suppressed feelings came pouring out. That single moment of being truly seen changed the trajectory of his life. Our emotions influence everything we do—how we learn, make decisions, handle relationships, maintain our health, and perform at work. Yet for generations, we've been taught to suppress our feelings, especially the difficult ones. We tell ourselves and our children to "suck it up" or "get over it," creating a culture where emotions are seen as weaknesses rather than valuable sources of information. This emotional suppression comes at a tremendous cost, manifesting in anxiety, depression, addiction, and violence statistics that continue to rise alarmingly across society. Research now confirms what we intuitively know: emotions matter. When we experience negative emotions like fear or anxiety, our brains release cortisol, inhibiting our prefrontal cortex from effectively processing information. This is why a child who's afraid of being bullied can't focus on learning math. Conversely, positive emotions release neurochemicals like serotonin and dopamine that enhance our cognitive abilities and creativity. The emotional climate we create in our homes, schools, and workplaces has profound effects on everyone within them. In a survey of over 22,000 high school students, 75% of the words they used to describe how they feel at school were negative, with "tired," "bored," and "stressed" topping the list. Similarly, teachers report feeling "frustrated," "overwhelmed," and "stressed" nearly 70% of the time. These emotional states directly impact teaching quality, student engagement, and learning outcomes. Our emotional lives operate like a continuous river—sometimes placid, sometimes raging. To navigate this river successfully, we need more than just intelligence; we need emotional intelligence. This means developing the ability to recognize, understand, label, express, and regulate emotions—both our own and others'. These skills aren't luxuries but essential tools for thriving in an increasingly complex world.

Chapter 2: From Judge to Scientist: A New Approach to Emotions

Sarah was having dinner with her family when her teenage son slammed his fork down and stormed away from the table. Her immediate reaction was frustration—"Why is he being so disrespectful?"—followed by a stern command for him to return immediately. This approach, predictably, only escalated the situation into a full-blown argument. Later, after learning about emotional intelligence, Sarah tried a different approach. When her son exhibited similar behavior, instead of judging and reacting, she became curious. "I notice you seem upset. What's going on?" she asked gently. This simple shift—from being an emotion judge to an emotion scientist—opened a door. Her son revealed he'd been bullied at school and felt humiliated. The dinner table outburst wasn't about disrespect; it was a manifestation of pain he didn't know how to express. Dr. Brackett recalls a poignant moment during a presentation to business professionals in Napa Valley. When he asked the audience how they were feeling, most struggled to find words beyond "fine" or "good." Yet when he asked these same wine experts to describe their products, they effortlessly produced eloquent descriptions: "Rich spice and mineral accents," "Smoky roasted meat and floral blackberry aromas," "Bold, supple flavors of apricot and licorice." This stark contrast highlights a troubling reality: many of us possess a sophisticated vocabulary for describing external objects but lack the language to articulate our inner emotional landscape. We settle for vague terms like "fine" or "stressed" rather than precisely naming what we feel. This emotional illiteracy isn't just a communication problem—it's a barrier to self-awareness and personal growth. Recognition begins with pausing to check in with ourselves: What quadrant of the "Mood Meter" am I in right now? The Mood Meter, a tool developed by Brackett and colleagues, divides emotions into four colored quadrants based on pleasantness and energy levels. The yellow quadrant (high pleasantness, high energy) includes emotions like happiness and excitement. Red (low pleasantness, high energy) encompasses anger, anxiety, and fear. Green (high pleasantness, low energy) contains calm and contentment. Blue (low pleasantness, low energy) includes sadness and disappointment. This distinction between being an emotion judge versus an emotion scientist represents a fundamental shift in how we approach feelings. As judges, we evaluate emotions as good or bad, appropriate or inappropriate. We make quick assumptions and react accordingly. But as scientists, we approach emotions with curiosity rather than judgment. We ask questions, gather information, and seek to understand the underlying causes. By adopting this mindset, we develop the ability to pause between feeling and reacting—a crucial skill that allows us to respond thoughtfully rather than reactively to life's challenges.

Chapter 3: The RULER Method: Five Skills for Emotional Intelligence

When Marc Brackett was in seventh grade, his father pushed him to take martial arts to "toughen him up." After practicing diligently for months, Marc begged his instructor to let him test early for his yellow belt. On the big day, he failed. Devastated, he got into his mother's car and exploded: "I hate you! I'm never going back to Hapkido again! I'm a loser! You should never have let me go!" His mother, unprepared for this emotional outburst, yelled back, "Stop screaming at me! How dare you talk to me this way!" This childhood memory illustrates what happens when we lack the skills to navigate emotional storms. Neither Marc nor his mother had the tools to understand what was really happening beneath the surface. Years later, Brackett developed the RULER method to provide these essential skills. RULER is an acronym for five interconnected abilities that form the core of emotional intelligence. Recognizing emotions involves noticing changes in our thoughts, energy, or body, as well as reading facial expressions, body language, and vocal tones in others. This skill alerts us that something significant is happening emotionally. It's like an early warning system that says, "Pay attention here." Recognition requires us to pause and check in with ourselves or carefully observe others, rather than rushing past important emotional signals. Understanding emotions means identifying the causes behind feelings and seeing how they influence our thoughts and decisions. When a teacher notices a student suddenly becoming hostile, understanding would lead them to investigate what triggered this change rather than simply punishing the behavior. This skill helps us make better predictions about our own and others' behavior by connecting emotional responses to their underlying causes. Labeling emotions with precise vocabulary allows us to differentiate between similar feelings like disappointment and devastation, or irritation and rage. Research shows that accurately naming emotions actually reduces their intensity in the brain—what neuroscientists call "name it to tame it." When we can say "I'm feeling anxious about this presentation" rather than just "I feel bad," we gain more control over our emotional experience. Expressing emotions appropriately involves knowing how and when to share feelings based on the setting and context. This doesn't mean emotional suppression but rather thoughtful communication. For example, a teacher might feel frustrated with a student but express that feeling differently in a private conversation than in front of the class. Expression also includes listening—creating space for others to share their emotions without judgment. Regulating emotions is the ability to manage emotional reactions in helpful ways. This doesn't mean eliminating negative emotions but developing strategies to handle them effectively. Regulation might involve taking deep breaths when angry, reframing a situation to see it differently, or using the "Meta-Moment"—a pause that allows us to envision our "best self" before responding to an emotional trigger. These five skills work together as an integrated system, improving with practice and conscious attention to enhance our lives.

Chapter 4: Emotional Intelligence at Home: Building Family Foundations

After a seminar for parents, a woman approached Dr. Brackett with concern: "I'm afraid my son has no emotional intelligence. He's throwing things and is just too aggressive." When asked about trying emotion regulation strategies, she replied, "We can't use any of those strategies." "Why not?" Brackett asked. "Because he's only eleven months old," she answered. Brackett stood speechless, thinking, "I should suggest a psychologist—for you." This story highlights how even well-meaning parents can have unrealistic expectations about emotional development. Children aren't born with emotion skills—they develop them gradually through interactions with caregivers who model and teach these abilities. Research shows that parents who value emotions tend to be aware of their children's feelings and act like coaches, while those who view emotions as harmful or disruptive command their children to "suck it up" and see emotional expressions as manipulative. Family dynamics significantly shape emotional development. In one revealing observation, Brackett witnessed a father in a hotel restaurant telling his three-year-old daughter, "You're going to calm down right now. Thank you for ruining our day." For thirty minutes, the man never looked up from his phone, then as they left, he threatened, "If you continue to behave like this, you aren't going swimming for the rest of the vacation." The child began sobbing—not because she couldn't swim, but because she felt ignored, stifled, and worthless in her father's eyes. When asked to describe the emotional climate of their childhood homes, about 70% of people use negative terms like "toxic," "suppressed," or "unsupportive." Only 20% use positive words like "loving" or "nurturing." These emotional inheritances shape how we relate to our own children. Parents often react automatically to emotional situations based on how they were raised, perpetuating unhealthy patterns across generations. Creating emotionally intelligent homes requires conscious effort. One powerful tool is the family charter—a written agreement detailing how everyone wishes to feel at home and specific commitments to create that environment. The charter is created by asking three questions: How do we want to feel as a family? What can we do to experience these feelings often? What can we do when we're not living up to our charter? This process empowers everyone in the home with agency over their emotional environment. Perhaps most importantly, parents must regulate their own emotions before they can help their children. When triggered by a child's behavior, the Meta-Moment—pausing to breathe and envision your "best self"—creates space to respond thoughtfully rather than react impulsively. This doesn't mean perfection; it means progress toward becoming the parent who is patient, nurturing, and supportive even in challenging moments. By modeling healthy emotional awareness and regulation, we give our children the greatest gift: permission to feel and the skills to thrive.

Chapter 5: Emotions in Education: Transforming Learning Environments

"How many of your students receive a comprehensive emotion education from pre-K through high school?" Dr. Brackett asks educators during seminars. They look at him as if he's from another planet. When asked what they learned about emotions during teacher training, most reply, "I learned how to teach my subject" or "I learned how to make a lesson plan." Later, when asked how they infuse emotions into the classroom, the typical answer is: "Honestly, I make it up as I go." This approach isn't working well. In a survey of more than five thousand teachers, 70% reported feeling negative emotions—mainly "frustrated," "overwhelmed," and "stressed"—each day. These negative emotions affect their teaching quality and health, contributing to high attrition rates—40% of teachers leave the profession within five years. Similarly, when twenty-two thousand high school students were asked how they feel at school, 77% of responses were negative, with "tired," "stressed," and "bored" being most common. Early implementation efforts of emotion education faced significant resistance. When Brackett and his uncle Marvin first tried introducing their curriculum to schools, they heard responses like: "Teaching kids about anxiety makes me anxious" and "I'll teach words like happiness and excitement, but I'm not opening Pandora's box to anything else like despair." At one school meeting, a principal even claimed, "You're going to turn the boys into homosexuals," while an experienced teacher stormed out saying, "My job is not to talk to you or my students about feelings." Despite these challenges, classrooms that successfully implement emotion skills show remarkable results. In studies with fifth and sixth graders, when classroom climate was rated as warm and supportive, children reported feeling more connected to their teachers, showed fewer conduct problems, and earned higher grades. Neuroscience research by Mary Helen Immordino-Yang demonstrates that when students feel deeply engaged in learning, there is activation in the same brain systems that keep us alive—underscoring how emotional connection is fundamental to learning. Students themselves embrace emotion skills when given the opportunity. During a classroom demonstration, Brackett shared his childhood story of failing his martial arts test and asked fifth graders what strategies might have helped him. Their thoughtful responses ranged from humor ("I would tell you jokes") to practical support ("I'd want to know which moves you messed up and help you practice them"). Their teachers watched in amazement, realizing that teaching emotion skills resembles teaching any other subject—it's about giving children tools to gather important information and use it wisely. The key insight that emerged from years of implementation is that emotion education must include everyone in the school community, not just students. Teachers and administrators need to develop their own emotion skills before they can effectively foster these abilities in children. When adults model emotional intelligence—recognizing feelings, understanding their causes, expressing them appropriately, and regulating responses—they create environments where all children can feel safe, valued, and ready to learn.

Chapter 6: Leading with Feeling: Emotional Intelligence at Work

Maria took over as team leader for a struggling department with low morale and high turnover. In her first week, she noticed that her predecessor had run meetings where only the most confident voices were heard, while others remained silent. Decisions were announced rather than discussed, and disagreement was treated as disloyalty. The emotional climate was one of tension and disengagement. Rather than immediately focusing on productivity metrics, Maria began by addressing the emotional dynamics. She started each meeting by checking in with team members about how they were feeling—not just professionally but personally. She created space for different communication styles, drawing out quieter team members and gently moderating those who dominated conversations. When conflicts arose, she approached them with curiosity rather than judgment, helping team members articulate underlying concerns and needs. Most significantly, Maria modeled emotional intelligence herself. When a major project faced unexpected challenges, she openly acknowledged her own disappointment and concern, then guided the team through a problem-solving process. When she made a mistake, she admitted it readily and discussed what she had learned. Her vulnerability created permission for others to be authentic as well. Within six months, the department's atmosphere had transformed. Team members reported feeling valued and understood. Meetings became more productive as people felt safe expressing diverse viewpoints. Innovation increased as fear of failure decreased. And the metrics that leadership cared about—productivity, quality, and retention—all improved significantly. The workplace is often viewed as an environment where emotions should be checked at the door, yet research consistently shows that emotional dynamics profoundly impact organizational success. Leaders who develop emotional intelligence create psychological safety that allows team members to contribute fully, take appropriate risks, and collaborate effectively. They recognize that emotions like enthusiasm, curiosity, and appropriate concern drive engagement and innovation, while unaddressed emotions like resentment, anxiety, and apathy undermine even the most brilliant strategies. In today's complex business environment, technical expertise alone is insufficient for leadership success. The ability to navigate emotional currents—both one's own and others'—has become an essential competency for effective leadership at every organizational level. Leaders who master these skills create workplaces where people can bring their full humanity to work, resulting in greater fulfillment, creativity, and sustainable performance.

Chapter 7: The Emotion Revolution: Creating Societal Change

In a small community devastated by a natural disaster, residents gathered at the local school to coordinate relief efforts. Tensions ran high as resources were scarce and needs overwhelming. Arguments erupted over priorities, with some advocating for immediate housing solutions while others pushed for infrastructure repairs. The meeting seemed destined to collapse into unproductive conflict. Then Elena, a social worker trained in emotional intelligence, suggested a different approach. She asked everyone to pause and identify what they were feeling beneath their positions. One by one, people named their emotions—fear about the future, grief over what was lost, anxiety about vulnerable community members, frustration with outside agencies. As they articulated these feelings, something shifted. The conversation became less about competing solutions and more about shared concerns. By acknowledging the emotional landscape, they found common ground that allowed them to develop a coordinated response that addressed multiple needs simultaneously. This scenario illustrates how emotional intelligence can transform not just individual lives but entire communities. When we create spaces where emotions are recognized as valuable information rather than inconvenient disruptions, we enable more authentic connection and more effective collective action. The skills that help a child manage playground conflicts or an executive lead a diverse team can also help communities navigate complex social challenges. Imagine a society where emotional education is as fundamental as literacy and numeracy—where children learn from their earliest years to identify, understand, and work with their feelings rather than against them. Imagine healthcare systems that address emotional wellbeing as integral to physical health, workplaces that value emotional skills alongside technical expertise, and public discourse that makes room for the full range of human feeling while maintaining respect and dignity. Such a transformation—an emotion revolution—begins with individual commitment to developing these skills in ourselves and sharing them with others. It continues through families, schools, and organizations that prioritize emotional intelligence in their cultures and practices. And it expands through policies and systems that recognize emotions as essential to human flourishing rather than obstacles to be overcome.

Summary

The journey toward emotional intelligence begins with a simple yet profound shift: giving ourselves permission to feel. When we move from judging emotions as inconvenient disruptions to recognizing them as valuable sources of information, we unlock a wisdom that transforms how we navigate life's challenges. Through the RULER framework—Recognition, Understanding, Labeling, Expression, and Regulation—we develop specific skills that allow us to work with our emotions rather than against them. The impact of this transformation extends far beyond personal wellbeing. Emotionally intelligent parents raise children who are more resilient and socially adept. Teachers who integrate these skills create classrooms where students thrive academically and emotionally. Leaders who master emotional intelligence build organizations characterized by innovation, collaboration, and sustainable performance. And communities that make space for authentic emotional expression find more effective ways to address shared challenges. By developing these fundamental human capacities, we create the foundation for a more compassionate, connected, and effective society—one person, one family, one organization at a time.

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Marc Brackett

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