The 11 Laws of Likability

The 11 Laws of Likability Plot Summary

Introduction

Have you ever watched someone walk into a room and instantly draw people to them? It's not about their appearance or status, but something more fundamental – their authentic likability. In today's world of superficial networking and transactional relationships, many of us struggle to form genuine connections that truly enrich our personal and professional lives. The ability to connect authentically with others isn't a magical talent reserved for the naturally charismatic. It's a skill that can be developed through understanding core principles of human interaction. When we strip away the calculated approaches and focus instead on being genuinely ourselves, we discover that meaningful relationships emerge naturally. This journey isn't about manipulating others to like you – it's about creating an environment where authentic connections can flourish, where people are drawn to the real you, and where lasting relationships develop because they're built on a foundation of truth.

Chapter 1: Embrace Your Authentic Self

Authenticity forms the cornerstone of genuine connection. Being authentic means allowing your true self to shine through in all interactions, rather than putting on a persona you believe others want to see. When you present your authentic self, people respond to that honesty, creating opportunities for real relationships to develop. Samuel, a mid-level manager at a prestigious New York City museum, struggled with networking at the fundraising events he was required to attend after his recent promotion to the development team. Despite his passion for the museum's mission, Samuel found himself overwhelmed by these social functions. During one particular event, he plastered on a brittle smile and barked out unnatural laughter, trying desperately to project what he thought a successful person in his position should sound like. After observing his behavior, his coach immediately identified the problem: Samuel was trying too hard to be someone he wasn't. When they debriefed after the event, Samuel learned that his attempts to be engaging by forcing himself into an extroverted "life of the party" role actually made him come across as inauthentic. Instead of continuing to push himself into this uncomfortable persona, Samuel began focusing on what felt natural to him – having meaningful one-on-one conversations or engaging with small groups where he could speak passionately about the museum's projects. By embracing his authentic preference for more intimate interactions, he became much more effective at connecting with potential donors. The transformation in Samuel's approach illustrates a fundamental truth: there is no universally "right" way to interact with people. What feels authentic for one person may feel completely wrong for another. The key is identifying what feels right for you. For Samuel, this meant acknowledging that while he might never be comfortable working a crowded room, he could excel at building deeper connections in smaller settings where his genuine enthusiasm for the museum could shine through. To discover your own authentic approach, pay attention to how you feel during and after social interactions. When do you feel energized, and when do you feel drained? What situations bring out your natural enthusiasm? These reflections will help you identify your authentic social style. Remember that authenticity isn't permission to be inappropriate or inconsiderate – it's about removing the artificial barriers that prevent genuine connection.

Chapter 2: Develop a Positive Self-Image

Before others can truly like you, you must first like yourself. This principle forms the foundation of establishing meaningful connections. A healthy self-image doesn't mean ignoring your flaws or pretending to be perfect; rather, it's about acknowledging your genuine worth and the unique value you bring to interactions. Sandy, a woman in her early fifties, came to her career coach with a poor self-image that was undermining her job search. After nearly twenty years as a stay-at-home mom, she needed to return to the workforce when her husband was laid off. During their first meeting, Sandy's body language revealed her self-perception clearly: she sat compactly in her chair as if afraid to take up space, maintained minimal eye contact, and spoke in a hushed, resigned voice. What she communicated without words was, "I'm not worthy. I'm not good enough. Everyone else is more qualified than me." When her coach suggested they focus on what Sandy had accomplished rather than what she hadn't done, something interesting happened. As Sandy began recounting her work with the PTA and her role as a parent liaison for her children's classes, she physically transformed – sitting straighter, speaking more confidently, even beaming with pride at certain points. Yet after each accomplishment she shared, she would minimize her contributions with statements like, "It was not really a big deal," or "Well, that's just what moms do." The coach helped Sandy outline how the skills she'd developed over the past decades – organizational abilities, interpersonal communication, coordination of complex schedules – could transfer to workplace settings. Gradually, Sandy began to see and believe in her professional value. Her perception of herself shifted, and with it, her ability to communicate her worth to potential employers improved dramatically. This transformation illustrates how our self-perceptions become our reality. When we believe in our strengths and capabilities, we naturally project that confidence to others. To improve your own self-image, start by identifying the words that genuinely describe your strengths. Ask trusted friends what qualities they value in you, and pay attention to the patterns in their responses. Create a "success file" where you collect compliments, accomplishments, and moments of pride to review when self-doubt creeps in. Remember that positive self-talk isn't about denying reality but about framing it constructively. Instead of thinking, "I'll never finish this project," try "I'm taking my time to ensure things are done correctly." When faced with challenges, focus on what you can do rather than what you can't: "I'm excited to work on something new and have several resources to leverage."

Chapter 3: Harness the Power of Perception

How others perceive us often becomes their reality about us. First impressions form rapidly – within minutes or even seconds – and once formed, these perceptions can be difficult to change. Understanding this dynamic gives us the power to influence how others see us from the very beginning of an interaction. Erica, a tall, gorgeous former model who was extremely smart and wealthy, seemed aloof to her business school classmate Michelle. Despite Michelle's attempts at casual conversation, Erica appeared to blow her off, leading Michelle to conclude that Erica thought she was better than everyone else. When spring break arrived and they unexpectedly ended up sharing accommodations on a trip to Jamaica, Michelle dreaded spending her hard-earned vacation with "this snobby rich girl." On their first day in Jamaica, as they floated on rafts in the pool during a sudden tropical downpour, they caught each other's eyes and burst into laughter. In this completely different setting, they both relaxed and began to let down their guards. To Michelle's surprise, she discovered that Erica wasn't snotty at all – she was shy. Once Erica emerged from her shell, she revealed herself to be compassionate, warm, and even rebellious. Michelle's perception of Erica had been entirely wrong, demonstrating how easily we can misinterpret others' behavior. Our perceptions are influenced by our own communication styles, past experiences, and assumptions. To avoid such misperceptions, it helps to understand different communication styles. Some people are fast-paced and objective (prioritizing getting things done), others are creative and intuitive (focused on innovation), some are methodical and detail-oriented (concerned with getting things right), while others are sociable and empathetic (seeking consensus). These different styles can lead to misunderstandings when we interact with people whose approaches differ from our own. For example, someone who is naturally reserved might appear aloof to a more expressive person, when they're simply processing information internally before responding. By recognizing these style differences, we can adjust our interactions to create more accurate perceptions. To improve how others perceive you, ensure consistency between your verbal and nonverbal communication. Albert Mehrabian's research shows that in face-to-face settings, only 7% of "total liking" comes from verbal content, while 38% comes from vocal tone and 55% from facial expressions. If your words say "I'm delighted to meet you" but your body language communicates disinterest, people will trust what your body is saying. Maintaining appropriate eye contact, using natural pauses in conversation, standing with good posture, and speaking confidently all contribute to positive perception. These behaviors should feel authentic, not forced. If you're feeling self-doubt, remember to focus on the value you bring to the interaction and the positive qualities you possess.

Chapter 4: Master the Art of Conversation

Meaningful connections begin with genuine curiosity about others. When you approach conversations with authentic interest, you create natural pathways to discover commonalities and build rapport, even with people who initially seem quite different from you. Sylvia and Michelle met briefly at a cocktail reception where Sylvia mentioned she was thinking about launching her own business. They exchanged cards and arranged to meet for lunch. As Michelle headed to the meeting, she questioned her decision to prioritize lunch with a virtual stranger over her mounting work responsibilities. With no natural starting point for conversation, she simply began asking Sylvia questions about herself and her ventures. As Sylvia revealed details about her virtual assistant business, her work at a private school, and her workshops for teenagers, Michelle found herself genuinely intrigued. The more questions she asked, the more she discovered they had in common. What Michelle had assumed would be a coaching session where she would advise Sylvia on starting a business transformed into something unexpected – by the end of lunch, Michelle had hired Sylvia to consult on developing teen workshops, something Michelle had been wanting to do herself. This experience exemplifies how curiosity creates connections. By asking thoughtful questions and genuinely listening to the answers, we often discover unexpected commonalities and opportunities to help each other. Starting conversations becomes easier when we focus on what we genuinely want to know about the other person rather than worrying about making a good impression. Effective questions come in different forms. Open-ended questions that begin with what, how, or why encourage detailed responses rather than simple yes or no answers. "What do you enjoy about your work?" will generate more conversation than "Do you like your job?" You can also ask for opinions ("What did you think about that presentation?"), pose hypothetical scenarios ("What would you do if you won the lottery?"), seek advice, or offer sincere compliments followed by questions. Once a conversation begins, probing questions help it continue and deepen. Clarifying probes confirm understanding ("If I understand correctly, you're saying..."), rational probes explore reasoning ("What made you decide to take that approach?"), and expansion probes invite elaboration ("Tell me more about that"). These techniques show genuine interest and create space for meaningful exchange. Remember that good conversation involves balance – don't turn it into an interrogation. Share information about yourself too, listen attentively, and be present in the moment. When you stay curious, your body language naturally communicates engagement, making the other person feel valued and understood.

Chapter 5: Create Lasting Mood Memories

People may not remember exactly what you said during an interaction, but they will almost certainly remember how you made them feel. These emotional impressions – what psychologists call "mood memories" – significantly impact whether someone will want to engage with you again. Elaine, a college roommate, tried earnestly to be a good friend but had rigid expectations about how friends should behave. She would bring soup when her roommate was sick and check in twice daily during difficult times, but she always let her roommate know when she didn't live up to similar standards of friendship. Eventually, just thinking about Elaine would create physical tension – a tightening of neck muscles and a knot in the stomach. The critical nature and extremely high demands eventually outweighed any enjoyment of spending time together, and the friendship deteriorated. This experience illustrates how powerful mood memories can be. Research shows that when we record a memory, it's encoded not only with sensory data but with our emotional state as well. That's why recalling a memory often means reliving the feelings associated with it. If someone consistently leaves others feeling judged, dismissed, or uncomfortable, those negative mood memories will make people avoid future interactions. Creating positive mood memories begins with awareness of how your words, body language, and energy affect others. Choose positive language and framing even when discussing challenges. Rather than saying, "I had a difficult childhood," you might say, "I didn't have the easiest childhood, but it wasn't the hardest either," immediately directing thinking toward balance rather than negativity. Your nonverbal communication profoundly impacts mood memory. Maintain appropriate eye contact to make people feel heard and respected – direct eye contact actually releases feel-good endorphins. A genuine smile communicates warmth and openness, making others feel welcome in your presence. Nodding acknowledges understanding, though be careful not to overdo it, as excessive nodding can seem insincere. One powerful technique for creating positive mood memories is to articulate your genuine appreciation of others. Too often, we think positive thoughts about people but never express them. When you notice something you admire – whether it's how someone handled a difficult situation or simply their friendly demeanor – tell them. These expressions of recognition make people feel valued and understood. Another effective approach is to seek advice from those you respect. When you ask for someone's opinion or expertise, you communicate that you value their knowledge and experience. This creates positive associations because people generally feel respected when their guidance is sought. It also opens the door for ongoing communication and deepening connection.

Chapter 6: Cultivate Meaningful Relationships

Building lasting relationships requires continued engagement after initial conversations. Creating familiarity through consistent follow-up turns acquaintances into meaningful connections that can enrich both personal and professional life. Mark, a consultant who had worked with Michelle on a training program, exemplifies the power of staying connected. After their initial project, they had little direct contact, yet Mark remained in Michelle's awareness through multiple channels. He regularly sent inspiring messages to his email list, and his name frequently came up when Michelle met others in her industry. More than a year after their introduction, Mark sent a congratulatory email when Michelle was quoted in the New York Times. When one of Michelle's clients later needed additional consultants, Mark immediately came to mind. This example illustrates the law of familiarity: people feel comfortable with who and what they know. The more people hear from you or about you, the more trust they develop in you, and the more comfortable they become with you. Creating mental and physical familiarity enhances likability, whether you're in or out of sight. Technology has made maintaining familiarity easier than ever. Social networking sites like LinkedIn, Facebook, and Twitter provide platforms for staying connected without being intrusive. A simple congratulatory message when someone gets a promotion, an invitation to an event related to shared interests, or forwarding an article relevant to a previous conversation – these small gestures keep you in someone's thoughts and demonstrate your continued interest in the relationship. When following up, remember that your approach should feel authentic rather than calculated. Reach out in the spirit of genuine connection, not self-promotion. Use what you learned during your initial conversation to personalize your follow-up. Did the person mention an upcoming presentation? Send a quick good luck message. Was there talk of a child's sports tournament? Inquire about the outcome. Another powerful way to cultivate relationships is by making introductions between people who might benefit from knowing each other. When you connect others based on shared interests or complementary skills, you not only help them but also strengthen your relationship with both parties. Similarly, extending invitations – whether to professional events, volunteer activities, or social gatherings – creates opportunities for deepening connections. The key to cultivating meaningful relationships is consistency and sincerity. Regular, authentic touchpoints build familiarity over time, transforming initial connections into lasting relationships.

Chapter 7: Practice Patient Generosity

The most powerful relationships develop through giving without expectation of return. When you extend yourself generously and patiently, you create connections built on trust and mutual appreciation that flourish over time. Aaron, a director of learning and development at a media company, reached out to Michelle about conducting training seminars. After discussing his needs, Michelle prepared a proposal, but Aaron's agenda changed before they could move forward. This pattern repeated multiple times – Michelle would create proposals based on Aaron's evolving needs, but no contract materialized. Throughout this process, which stretched over a year, Michelle continued responding to Aaron's questions about training companies, topics, and resources, even recommending competitors when appropriate. After six proposals and more than twelve months, Michelle received another request from Aaron – and this time, she landed the job. While many consultants would have given up much earlier, Michelle's patient approach to relationship-building ultimately paid dividends. She offered value consistently without keeping score, understanding that meaningful professional relationships develop gradually. This exemplifies the principle that giving creates value in relationships. Giving doesn't require grand gestures – even small extensions of yourself signal that you think the other person is worth the effort. When James, a top executive, discussed business challenges with Michelle during a lunch meeting, she followed up by demonstrating an e-blackboard site and sending book recommendations she thought might help. Though these actions required minimal effort, they showed James that she had listened attentively and valued their discussion enough to think about his needs afterward. Opportunities to give present themselves in many forms. You might connect people who could benefit from knowing each other, share information about events that align with someone's interests, forward articles relevant to their work, or offer advice in your area of expertise. The key is to provide value without expectation of immediate return. Amy, a successful entrepreneur who generously shared her wisdom with Michelle over lunch after a business conference, perfectly embodied this approach. She freely gave her time and insights without any apparent expectation of reciprocation. Years later, when Michelle reconnected with Amy by chance, she learned that Amy was applying for a position at an organization Michelle had worked with extensively. Finally, Michelle had the opportunity to help Amy by recommending her for the position and introducing her to key contacts. This experience demonstrates that patience in relationships eventually creates opportunities for reciprocity, though these may emerge in unexpected ways and times. When you give freely, you may not immediately see returns, but your generosity builds goodwill that often comes back to you – or extends to others – in time. As Michelle discovered, you may not know when or how you'll be able to reciprocate kindness, but with patience, those opportunities usually appear. The most valuable relationships aren't built on transactions but on consistent, patient generosity. By giving without keeping score, you create connections based on genuine appreciation rather than obligation – connections that continue to grow and enrich your life in surprising ways.

Summary

Throughout this journey into authentic connection, we've discovered that meaningful relationships stem from being genuinely ourselves rather than who we think others want us to be. As Samuel learned at his museum fundraisers, forcing ourselves into unnatural social personas only creates distance, while embracing our authentic communication styles fosters real connection. Sandy's transformation reminds us that before others can appreciate our value, we must first recognize it ourselves. And Erica's story teaches us to look beyond first impressions to discover the authentic person beneath. The essence of building genuine connections lies in this simple truth: "People do business with people they like." But likability isn't about manipulating others to gain advantage; it's about removing the barriers that prevent your authentic self from shining through. Today, commit to one small step toward more authentic connection – perhaps asking a colleague a genuine question about their interests, expressing appreciation you've been holding back, or reaching out to reconnect with someone you've been meaning to contact. Remember that meaningful relationships don't develop overnight but grow through consistent, patient nurturing. When you approach connections with authentic curiosity and generosity, you create a network of relationships that will support and enrich every aspect of your life.

About Author

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Michelle Tillis Lederman

Michelle Tillis Lederman, named one of Forbes Top 25 Networking Experts, is the author of The Connector's Advantage, The 11 Laws of Likability, Heroes Get Hired, and Nail The Interview - Land The Job. Michelle is the founder and CEO of Executive Essentials, which provides customized communications and leadership coaching and training programs. Michelle believes real relationships lead to real results and specializes in teaching people how to communicate with confidence, clarity, and connection. Her clients include JPMorgan, J&J, Deutsche Bank, Target, MetLife, Sony, Ernst & Young, and Madison Square Garden. Passionate about education, Michelle served as an Adjunct Professor at NYU, on the faculty of the American Management Association, Lehigh Executive Education, and Rutgers Executive Education and the advisory board of Kean’s Global Business School. A regular in the media, Michelle has appeared on or been quoted by CBS, NBC, Fox, NPR, CNBC, the NY Times, the Wall Street Journal, Working Mother, US News & World Report, MSNBC, Forbes and USA Today among many others. Michelle spent a decade in finance with positions in audit, M&A, financial consulting, VC, and hedge fund investing. She received her BS from Lehigh University, her MBA from Columbia Business School, and her coaching certification from iPec and holds the PCC certification from the International Coaching Federation. Executive Essentials is a certified Women Business Enterprise. To learn more about Michelle, visit: Websites: www.michelletillislederman.com/, www.executiveessentials.org/Book Sites: www.11lawsoflikability.com/, www.heroesgethired.com/Twitter: twitter.com/mtledermanFacebook: facebook.com/MichelleTillisLederman LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/communicationexpe...

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