What to Do When You’re New

What to Do When You’re New Plot Summary

Introduction

Have you ever felt that knot in your stomach when walking into a room full of strangers? Or that moment of panic when you need to introduce yourself at a new job? You're not alone. Being new is a universal human experience that triggers our most primal anxieties. Whether it's starting a job, joining a club, or moving to a new city, that feeling of being an outsider can be overwhelming. Yet the ability to navigate new situations with confidence isn't just a nice-to-have skill—it's essential for success and happiness in today's world. The good news is that newcomer anxiety isn't a permanent condition but rather a challenge that can be overcome through understanding and practice. In the pages that follow, you'll discover that the very skills that make you uncomfortable—introducing yourself, remembering names, asking questions, building relationships, and performing in front of others—can be transformed from sources of anxiety into powerful tools for connection and achievement.

Chapter 1: Understand Your Natural Newcomer Anxiety

Newcomer anxiety is deeply rooted in our evolutionary history. For our distant ancestors, encountering strangers often meant potential danger, and being rejected by one's group could be a death sentence. This explains why our brains are hardwired to feel nervous around unfamiliar people and in new situations. Keith, a newcomer I interviewed, described his first day at a new company: "The rush of adrenaline was some sort of survival response to the fear that comes from knowing that I was in a place where I had little control. In fact, I felt like I was that species sitting at the bottom of the food chain." This visceral reaction isn't unusual—it's your prehistoric brain doing exactly what it evolved to do: protect you from potential threats. Beyond our genetic predisposition, our childhood experiences further shape our response to new situations. Many of us learned early on to fear and avoid strangers. We were told "Don't talk to strangers" and taught to be wary of unfamiliar adults. These lessons served an important protective function when we were young, but they can become problematic as adults when success often requires us to approach and interact with new people. Social psychologists have demonstrated this anxiety in clever experiments. In one study, researchers randomly told two members of a newly formed five-person group that the other three had been meeting for weeks. Just believing they were newcomers made these individuals significantly more nervous and less confident about their ability to contribute, even though everyone was actually new to the group. The challenge we face is that our natural and learned stranger anxiety was beneficial in a primitive world where encountering strangers was rare and often dangerous. But it's often counterproductive in modern life where we're surrounded by unfamiliar people and need to interact with them to achieve our goals. Understanding this mismatch between our prehistoric instincts and modern requirements is the first step toward becoming more comfortable when you're new.

Chapter 2:Master the Art of Self-Introduction

Successful relationships start with introductions, yet many of us find this first step incredibly challenging. When we're new, we know that introducing ourselves is essential, but in the heat of the moment, we often lose courage and wait for others to make the first move—a move that frequently never comes. Consider what happened to Sarah at a professional networking event. Despite knowing she should connect with new people, she found herself overwhelmed by the crowd of strangers. "I'm not good at this for the most part," she admitted. "I'm likely to wait for someone to speak to me. I might linger at the bar or play with my phone until someone approaches me, which isn't always the best strategy." By the end of the event, Sarah had only spoken with people she already knew, missing valuable opportunities to expand her network. The reluctance to introduce ourselves stems from our fear of violating social norms and expectations. We worry about approaching people at the wrong time, interrupting them, or not having a good enough reason for introducing ourselves. We imagine the worst possible outcomes—being rejected, dismissed, or made to look foolish. But these fears rarely match reality. To become more confident with introductions, start by accepting that your reluctance is completely normal. Then, develop a strategy for approaching people. Before entering a new situation, identify whom you want to meet and why. Prepare simple, context-appropriate opening lines that include your name, establish the interaction as an introduction, and briefly explain who you are and why you're introducing yourself. For example, when Marilyn started a new marketing job, she approached a colleague with: "Good morning John, my name is Marilyn Perkins. I just started last week as a marketing assistant, working on the EduToy account. I heard from my boss Carolyn that you're the creative lead for this client. I'd like to introduce myself—is this a good time?" This approach is brief, respectful, and tailored to the relationship she hopes to develop. Remember that the goal of any introduction is to start a relationship. The conversation that follows should help both parties learn about each other, explore common interests or connections, and establish how you might interact in the future. Focus on making the other person feel comfortable and energized by the interaction, rather than trying to impress them with your accomplishments. As you conclude the introduction, thank the person, express how much you enjoyed the conversation, and if appropriate, ask permission to approach them again later. This creates an opening for future interactions and demonstrates respect for their time and boundaries.

Chapter 3:Remember Names with Confidence

"Hi... uh... good to see you again!" We've all been there—recognizing someone's face but drawing a complete blank on their name. It's not just embarrassing; it can hinder our ability to build the relationships we need to succeed as newcomers. Yet despite understanding the importance of remembering names, most of us consider ourselves terrible at it. Michael, a new sales manager, described his struggle: "I was at the company holiday party, and the CEO's wife approached me. She greeted me by name, and I panicked because I couldn't remember hers. I smiled and said, 'Hey, great to see you!' which didn't hide my failure to recall her name. I spent the entire conversation mentally trying to remember who she was instead of building our relationship. Afterward, I felt so embarrassed that I avoided her for the rest of the evening." Our difficulty with names isn't a personal failing—it's how our brains are wired. When we meet someone, we process and store their name differently from other information about them. That's why we can often recall everything about a person—their face, job, where we met them—except their name. Scientists call this the Baker-Baker paradox: if we meet a man and learn he's a baker, we easily remember that fact. But if we meet a man named Baker, recalling his name is much harder, even though it's the same word. To overcome this challenge, we need strategies that create stronger neural connections between faces and names. One effective approach is to create vivid, even silly mental images that link names to distinctive facial features. For instance, if you meet Phillip Harper, you might picture him trying to play a harp with his lips. For Sue Bartleman, imagine her in court suing Bart Simpson. Another powerful technique is to focus intently on names during introductions. Make a mental commitment to listen for and learn names. When someone introduces themselves, immediately repeat their name: "Nice to meet you, Jason." Ask about the spelling or origin: "Is that spelled with a 'K' or a 'C'?" Use their name naturally during conversation: "So, Ernestine, where do you work?" And always end the conversation by using their name again: "It was great meeting you, Connor." After the introduction, record the name as soon as possible—in your phone, a notebook, or by sending yourself an email. Include notes about the person's appearance, role, and any memorable details from your conversation. Later, review these notes and test yourself by trying to recall names when looking at faces (either in person or in photos). Remember that forgetting names is normal, and most people understand because they struggle with names too. If you blank on someone's name, you have several options: you can reintroduce yourself (especially if you're still new), ask a friend to make an introduction, or simply be honest and say, "I'm sorry, I've forgotten your name." What matters most is the respect and humility you show when admitting you've forgotten.

Chapter 4:Ask Questions That Build Connections

Asking questions is often the only way to get the information, help, and advice you need to succeed in new situations. Research shows that newcomers who ask more questions perform better, are seen as more creative, and feel more satisfied and committed to their new group. Yet despite these benefits, many of us hesitate to approach others with our questions. Emma, a Stanford graduate with honors, shared her experience during her first job: "I was terrified to ask people questions. I was afraid of seeming dumb. I don't think that was a good approach because I spent a lot of time trying to learn something that someone could have told me in a few minutes." This reluctance cost her valuable time and energy that could have been better spent elsewhere. Our hesitation to ask questions stems from several sources. Evolutionarily, revealing our lack of knowledge could lead to a reduction in status within the group. We also learn through education to be cautious about asking questions, as they can reveal our ignorance or lack of preparation. Additionally, the internet has created a new expectation that we should exhaust online resources before "bothering" others with our questions. When we consider asking someone a question, we subconsciously evaluate three things: Is it appropriate to ask this person this question right now? What will the person think of me if I ask? What will I think of myself if I ask? These considerations often lead us to overestimate the probability that others will say no to our requests or think poorly of us for asking. To overcome this reluctance, start by building relationships with people before you need to ask them questions. When you do need information, be clear about what you want and why. Do enough homework to ensure your question isn't easily answered elsewhere, but don't waste excessive time searching when a quick question would be more efficient. When deciding whom to ask, consider who might be helpful, who seems approachable, and whether it's an appropriate time to interrupt. Remember that you have a secret weapon when asking questions: the phrase "I'm new here." This simple statement reduces the social risk of interrupting someone and ensures your question will be evaluated in the context of your newness. When asking your question, keep it short, briefly explain why you're asking, demonstrate that you've done some homework, and listen carefully to the answer. Don't overstay your welcome, and always express gratitude for the person's time and help. If appropriate, follow up later to let them know how their information helped you. One newcomer I interviewed put it perfectly: "I've learned that people love to be asked questions. Many see it as a compliment." By shifting your perspective to see question-asking as an opportunity to show respect and interest rather than reveal incompetence, you can transform this anxiety-producing activity into a powerful tool for connection and growth.

Chapter 5: Start Meaningful Relationships Quickly

Our success and happiness in new situations depend largely on our ability to develop relationships with the people around us. Through these connections, we get the information and support we need, build the collaborations required to perform our roles, and satisfy our fundamental need to belong and feel accepted. James, a newcomer to a tech company, described how relationships transformed his experience: "I worked in support, which was a big group and we had to communicate back and forth. All of the new hires developed a tight bond with each other, and we began to go out for happy hours, or go to concerts on the weekends. We became really close. I couldn't wait to go to work and be with my best friends. It was work but it didn't feel like work. More like college." Despite the clear benefits of relationships, many newcomers find themselves reluctant to take the first step. Some wait for others to make the first move, while others feel uncomfortable approaching people who already have established relationships. This reluctance often stems from our hardwired fear of social rejection. Researchers have shown that social rejection activates the same brain regions as physical pain—it literally hurts to be excluded. To overcome this fear and develop meaningful relationships more quickly, start with a clear strategy. First, identify what you want from new relationships—information, collaboration, emotional support, or companionship. Then determine who might satisfy those needs based on roles, proximity, expertise, and approachability. Remember that different people will likely fulfill different needs, so aim to develop a diverse network of relationships. When approaching new people, focus on giving them energy rather than trying to impress them. People gain energy when they feel understood, valued, respected, and accepted. One of the most powerful ways to provide this energy is by showing sincere interest in others. Ask questions, listen attentively to their answers, and find opportunities to say a little bit about yourself. This approach works particularly well with introverts, who often find social situations draining because they put in more energy than they get back. Stay positive in your conversations and avoid speaking negatively about others. Research shows that when you say nice things about other people, strangers often attribute those same qualities to you. Conversely, if you complain about others, people tend to associate those negative traits with you. Don't put too much pressure on yourself to develop lots of relationships immediately. Start with a modest goal of getting to know two or three people, and if you connect with more, consider it a bonus. Remember that relationship development is a numbers game—not every approach will lead to a meaningful connection, but each attempt increases your chances of finding the relationships you need to thrive.

Chapter 6: Perform with Confidence in Unfamiliar Settings

Whether you're starting a new job, learning a new hobby, or trying a new sport, success requires performing unfamiliar tasks in front of people you don't know well. This combination of newness and public performance can trigger intense anxiety, even in otherwise confident individuals. Alexandra, an extroverted marketing executive who had no trouble meeting new people, described her first experience at a CrossFit class: "I was really intimidated and when I went there for the first time it was really emotional. I had to do a 7-minute routine in front of everyone watching me and I wasn't sure I could do that... I thought I'd be far behind and it would be humiliating." Despite her social confidence, the prospect of performing as a beginner in front of others filled her with dread. This performance anxiety stems from both our evolutionary history and our learned mindsets. We're hardwired to fear losing social status, which was dangerous for our ancestors but rarely has serious consequences today. We also learn from an early age to approach new experiences with what psychologist Carol Dweck calls a "fixed mindset"—the belief that our abilities are largely innate rather than developed through practice. With a fixed mindset, we see our initial performance as the "Big Reveal" of our natural talent. If we do well, we impress others and gain acceptance. If we struggle, we make a bad impression and suggest we lack what it takes to succeed. This mindset creates enormous pressure and can cause us to avoid trying new things altogether. The key to overcoming performance anxiety is shifting from a "being good" mindset to a "getting better" mindset. Instead of seeing your talent as fixed, recognize that skills develop through learning and practice. Rather than viewing your first performance as a test of your natural ability, see it as simply the starting point of your learning journey. Researchers have demonstrated the power of this mindset shift. In one study, students who entered junior high believing that intelligence could be developed significantly improved their math grades over two years. Those who viewed intelligence as fixed saw no improvement. More importantly, researchers found they could improve the performance of underachieving students simply by teaching them about the improvability of talent. To adopt a "getting better" mindset, approach new situations like a scientist rather than an American Idol contestant. Focus on learning rather than performing, view experiences as experiments rather than tests, and approach challenges with curiosity instead of competitiveness. Ask yourself what you're really trying to achieve, separate what's new and challenging from what's familiar, and set realistic expectations for your initial performance. Remember that the social risk of making mistakes is usually much lower than you think. For your performance to affect your social standing, others must pay attention to your performance, notice your mistakes, attribute them to lack of talent rather than newness, decide that your performance matters to them, and respond in ways that actually impact your status. The probability of all these things happening is typically quite low.

Chapter 7: Help Others Succeed When They're New

Once you've mastered the skills of being a successful newcomer, you have both the opportunity and responsibility to help others who are new. By facilitating the five newcomer skills in others, you can create a more welcoming environment and "pay forward" the support you've received. David, a manager at a technology company, transformed his team's onboarding process after experiencing the challenges of being new himself. "When I joined this company, I felt lost for weeks. No one introduced me to the right people or explained where to find critical information. It was like a treasure hunt with no map," he recalled. "Now when someone new joins my team, I make sure they have everything they need to succeed from day one." The first step in helping newcomers is to remember what it's like to be new. As an integrated member of a group, it's easy to forget how overwhelming and confusing new situations can be. Put yourself back in a newcomer's mindset and identify what's particularly challenging about joining your group. Are there unique roles or processes that are difficult to learn? Is critical information easily accessible? Do current members have strong existing relationships that make it hard for newcomers to break in? To help newcomers with introductions, create a list of key people they need to meet and announce their arrival to everyone on the list. Make high-quality introductions in small doses, explaining their respective roles and identifying common interests or connections. Create opportunities for existing members to approach newcomers by placing welcome signs, attaching balloons to newcomers' desks, or providing treats that draw people to introduce themselves. For remembering names, provide newcomers with lists, organizational charts, and photos of team members. Encourage colleagues to restate their names at the end of introductions and to reintroduce themselves the first few times they interact with new arrivals. Consider using nametags for initial meetings and events to reduce the pressure of immediate name recall. To facilitate question-asking, provide a list of key resources and direct newcomers to important online information. Find or help them find a "buddy" who they feel completely comfortable approaching with questions. Check in periodically to see if they have questions, and encourage team members to be approachable and interruptible when newcomers need help. For relationship building, create official welcoming activities like lunches, coffee breaks, or ceremonies that signify the importance of the newcomer's arrival. Host regular social events that give newcomers opportunities to meet and connect with others. Make sure newcomers are invited to join the "lunch bunch" and other informal social gatherings. Periodically review their relationship networks to ensure they're building the connections they need. Finally, to help newcomers perform with confidence, clearly explain their new role and responsibilities. Give them achievable challenges that are engaging and interesting but not overwhelming. Provide timely, constructive feedback that helps them notice their true performance and identify ways to improve. Ask coaching questions that promote reflection and encourage a "getting better" mindset.

Summary

Throughout this journey, we've explored the five critical skills that determine newcomer success: introducing yourself, remembering names, asking questions, starting relationships, and performing in unfamiliar settings. We've seen how our prehistoric brains and early experiences predispose us to anxiety in new situations, but also how reflection and practice can help us overcome these natural tendencies. As one newcomer I interviewed wisely observed, "The biggest and most beneficial thing is just to swallow the fear. I've found the best times I've had have been when I forget about the fear and just did it. In new situations especially I've found that the amount of fear I've had about trying something is correlated with how happy I am after I've done it." This insight captures the essence of newcomer success—the courage to push past anxiety and take action despite discomfort. Your next step is simple but powerful: choose one newcomer skill that causes you the most anxiety, and commit to practicing it deliberately in low-risk situations. Observe how you think and feel as you practice, and notice how the actual outcomes compare to your fears. With each successful interaction, you'll build confidence and recalibrate your expectations, gradually transforming these five skills from sources of anxiety into tools for connection and achievement. Remember, the very experiences that make you most nervous often lead to the greatest growth and satisfaction when you embrace them.

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Keith Rollag

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