13 Things Mentally Strong Couples Don't Do

13 Things Mentally Strong Couples Don't Do Plot Summary

Introduction

When I was thirteen, my best friend, Emily, paid a palm reader to tell her fortune at the county fair. The palm reader predicted Emily would marry twice—the first time merely to upset her parents, the second time for real love. We laughed hysterically, not believing a word. But secretly, I hoped the palm reader's prediction for me would come true—that I'd find lasting love with my first marriage, just like my parents had. Years later at college, I met a boy named Lincoln. From the moment we met, I was struck by our differences—I was shy and cautious; he was outgoing and adventurous. We married at twenty-one, and for five wonderful years, I had him by my side through life's biggest milestones. Then suddenly, on the third anniversary of my mother's death, Lincoln passed away from a heart attack at age twenty-six. For years, I plunged into grief's dark hole. While friends were getting married, I was a young widow with no intention of dating again. That changed when I met Steve. What began as friendship evolved into romance. He accepted my continued connection to Lincoln's family and supported my foster parenting. We married in Las Vegas and moved to Maine, only to face another loss when Steve's father was diagnosed with terminal cancer. During this difficult time, I wrote myself a letter about mentally strong habits, which unexpectedly went viral and launched my writing career. This personal journey taught me profound lessons about relationships—that love can surprise us multiple times in life, that relationships require courage to maintain, and that mental strength allows couples to face life's challenges together rather than turning against each other during difficult times.

Chapter 1: The Courage to Face Problems Head-On

When Janice showed up for her first appointment, she said, "I need help talking some sense into my husband, Ken!" She was a well-dressed sixty-year-old who seemed relieved to finally have someone to talk to. Her husband Ken, an overweight sixty-two-year-old with diabetes, had been stopping by a bar almost every night after work for the past six months. He told Janice it was the only time he got to talk with coworkers about changes at work under new management that the "old-timers" hated. While Janice didn't mind Ken unwinding with work friends, she worried about how alcohol affected his blood sugar. When drinking, he was less careful about what he ate and rarely tested his glucose levels. She had tried various approaches—reminding him he shouldn't drink, dumping his alcohol down the drain, telling him how his drinking hurt her, and suggesting AA meetings. Nothing worked. Ken brushed off her concerns, calling her overreactions, leading to frequent arguments. "I'm afraid he's going to permanently damage his health if I don't fix this now," she explained. Janice felt desperate to get Ken to stop drinking, worrying about his health and fearing his drinking would worsen. Her anxiety often turned to anger, and she would yell at Ken when he returned home late, even though this approach never changed his behavior. Like Janice, many people try to "fix" their partners or control their behaviors out of genuine concern, but these attempts often backfire and damage the relationship further. During therapy, Janice realized she couldn't force Ken to stop drinking. Instead, we discussed how she could change her response to his behavior. We created a new approach: on evenings when Ken came home directly after work, Janice would greet him warmly, have dinner together, and spend quality time watching their favorite shows. On nights when he came home late after stopping at the bar, she would simply say, "Leftovers are in the fridge. I'm going to read for a while"—no yelling, no arguments. Surprisingly, this new approach yielded positive results. Without the nightly confrontations, Ken started coming home for dinner more often. As their relationship improved, Janice found an opportunity to express her health concerns calmly. During a conversation after dinner, she asked how alcohol was affecting his blood sugar. Ken admitted he hadn't noticed major diabetes issues but mentioned weight gain and decreased energy. This opened the door for Janice to suggest a doctor's appointment, which Ken agreed to consider. When couples face problems directly but with compassion rather than control, they discover that changing their own behavior often leads to unexpected positive shifts in their relationship. By focusing on her response rather than trying to control Ken, Janice created space for honest conversation and potential change. The courage to face problems head-on—while letting go of the need to fix everything—is what allows couples to grow stronger together through life's inevitable challenges.

Chapter 2: Breaking the Cycle of Secrecy and Shame

When Autumn called my office asking for the next available appointment, she didn't mince words: "My husband is a liar and a cheater, and he needs to figure out what's wrong with him. Or maybe we need to figure out what's wrong with me for sticking with him." When they arrived for their session, Autumn immediately explained that David, who usually paid the bills, had been making charges to OnlyFans for months. She discovered he was subscribing to his college girlfriend's account, which felt especially betraying. David's response was revealing: "I didn't think it was a big deal. If I did, I obviously would have tried to cover my tracks better and not use a credit card that Autumn had access to." This enraged Autumn, who asked if his only regret was getting caught. David tried to laugh it off, saying many married men view pornography and it wasn't cheating. Their civil conversation quickly deteriorated into an argument with both talking over each other. During early therapy sessions, David struggled to take full responsibility for his actions. He alternated between accepting blame and minimizing his behavior with statements like "I only subscribed to my ex's account because I was curious what she was up to" and "I actually forgot I had subscribed. I rarely looked at those pages anyway." Until he could be honest about his behavior, Autumn couldn't begin healing from the betrayal she felt. David had broken Autumn's trust, causing her to question whether she was desirable enough and if he still had feelings for his ex. Although David denied ongoing contact with his ex, Autumn wasn't sure she could believe him. She requested access to his laptop and phone passwords to rebuild trust. David initially resisted but agreed when Autumn explained, "I know myself and I know I'm going to doubt you sometimes. I don't want to go snooping and spying on you. I want us both to be honest with each other so we can rebuild the trust we lost." It took months for Autumn to begin trusting David again. She occasionally asked to check his devices, and David complied because he understood he needed to demonstrate that his behavior aligned with his words. They also discussed expectations regarding secrets—Autumn made it clear that if David were to look at explicit content again, she wanted him to tell her. They talked about expectations if an ex ever contacted him or if someone sent him inappropriate content. By therapy's end, Autumn felt more confident about their relationship. "We'd never really discussed our expectations about secrets before," she said. "I feel better now that we've laid out the rules." When couples commit to breaking cycles of secrecy, they create the foundation for deeper trust. Healthy relationships require vulnerability and transparency—not because partners need to know everything, but because secrets create emotional distance and erode connection. The pathway to intimacy involves allowing ourselves to be truly seen, even when it means acknowledging mistakes and facing uncomfortable truths.

Chapter 3: The Power of Boundaries in Relationships

Jen was a bubbly twenty-nine-year-old who felt overwhelmed with guilt about her financial situation. During her first therapy appointment, she explained that her poor financial decisions were now affecting her husband, Ethan. She had accumulated substantial student loan debt from an expensive college, along with credit card debt and a hefty car payment. She could barely pay her own bills and couldn't contribute to household expenses. While dating, Ethan hadn't expressed concerns about her finances. But after marriage, his attitude changed dramatically. He would make cutting remarks like, "I spend all my hard-earned money paying off your stupid decisions." Worse, he would humiliate Jen in front of others. Once, when his father suggested they take a cruise, Ethan smirked and said, "A vacation would be nice. But unfortunately, Jen took so many vacations in college with her credit cards that I'll be paying for her sophomore spring break trip until I'm thirty-five." Another time, when friends invited them to see their new home, Ethan commented, "It'll be a while before we get to buy anything. Jen's credit is so bad the bank wouldn't even loan us enough money to buy a tent!" Jen feared she was ruining her marriage but had never confronted Ethan about his hurtful comments. When asked why, she said, "He's expressing how he feels. He has a right to be mad at me." She believed Ethan made these remarks because he didn't want anyone thinking he'd made poor financial decisions himself, given how financially savvy he was. After exploring her options in therapy, Jen realized she needed to establish boundaries with Ethan. During a session together, she told him: "I know you're upset about my financial situation. But I can't go back and change it. I don't want you to disparage me in front of your friends and family anymore. Our financial situation is no one else's business. Putting me down hurts my feelings and adds to my embarrassment. I need to know that we're a team and that we're working on solving this problem together." They agreed that if they wanted to share information about their finances with others, they would discuss it first privately. When asked how they should explain declining expensive invitations, Jen suggested, "Let's just say we're working hard on specific financial goals right now so we'll have to pass." No one needed to know whether their goal involved paying down debt or retiring early. The couple decided to set aside an hour each Sunday night to address their finances together as a team. They also planned to meet with a financial planner for additional guidance. Six months after therapy ended, Jen reported significant improvement. "I feel like Ethan and I are finally on the same team and that he's not going to try and blame me or embarrass me," she said. "It feels good to know that we can work together on this." Boundaries in relationships define how we expect to be treated and what we're willing to accept. They demonstrate self-respect and allow us to become our best selves while feeling secure with our partner. Without clear boundaries, we often end up feeling resentful, disrespected, or taken advantage of. The power of establishing healthy boundaries lies not in controlling others but in taking responsibility for our own well-being within the relationship. When partners respect each other's boundaries, they create a foundation of mutual respect that allows both individuals to thrive while maintaining their authentic selves.

Chapter 4: Beyond Blame: Taking Responsibility for Growth

Casey entered therapy with reluctance: "I'm not even sure why I'm here. My husband is the one who needs help. But he refuses so I figured I'd show up but I'm pretty sure it's pointless." She and her husband Andy had been married for four years with one child together, while Andy had a twelve-year-old from a previous relationship. When they got together, Casey told Andy she wanted two children, and he agreed. Now he had changed his mind. "He says he doesn't want any more children," Casey explained. "So now my only options are to either strong-arm him into having another kid even though he doesn't want to, or get divorced so I can go have a child with someone else." She described their overall relationship as "not bad" but couldn't understand why Andy no longer wanted more children. For the past year, this topic had consumed their relationship, leading to constant arguments. Casey believed that if she stayed with Andy and didn't have another child, she would be miserable for life—and it would be entirely his fault. "I'm not sure I want to settle for that," she said. Like many people, Casey was convinced her happiness depended entirely on getting what she wanted (having two children), and if Andy made choices that prevented this, she would spend her life unhappy because of him. During therapy, Casey realized she had developed a rigid plan for her life and felt that any deviation meant certain misery. She blamed Andy for destroying the happy future she envisioned. She didn't consider his perspective—when asked why he didn't want another child, she could only offer "he's selfish" as an explanation. She wasn't aware if he worried about finances, loss of freedom, or simply feeling too old to raise another child. Over several sessions, I asked Casey to consider whether she could have a happy life with Andy and only one biological child. Initially, she refused. But when asked what would happen if having one child were her only option due to fertility issues, she admitted she would accept it and invest energy into enjoying their family as it was. The main difference, she realized, was that in one scenario she could blame Andy for her unhappiness, while in the other, she would take responsibility for her own contentment. We discussed how happiness has little correlation with life events and depends more on our response to circumstances. If Casey chose to believe Andy was making her miserable, that belief might become a self-fulfilling prophecy. She acknowledged that her anger toward Andy was causing her to miss out on the joys of parenting their current child. After several weeks of exploring these concepts, Casey's language about Andy began to shift. Instead of calling him "selfish," she described him as "funny" and "a loving father." She said, "I started looking at things from Andy's point of view. We talked about why he didn't want to have more kids and I understand more. I realize I didn't want anything to be my fault—including my misery. But I'm not going to blame Andy anymore and I'm going to focus on being the best person I can be to my family, even if my family isn't as big as I had once hoped it would be." Moving beyond blame allows us to reclaim our power over our own happiness. When we stop making others responsible for our feelings, we discover we have choices in how we respond to disappointment. This shift doesn't mean we ignore genuine hurts or avoid addressing problems; rather, it means we approach challenges from a position of agency rather than victimhood. By accepting responsibility for our part in relationship dynamics, we open the door to authentic growth—both individually and as a couple.

Chapter 5: Remembering Why You Fell in Love

When Mindy and Paul arrived for their first therapy session, Mindy immediately announced: "Can you please tell him that no one wants to be married to a slob? He thinks it's just me but seriously, who would want to be in a relationship with someone who can't pick up after themselves? Would you?" Paul acknowledged that cleanliness wasn't his priority: "When the house gets dirty enough, I clean it. Until then, I relax." Both worked full-time jobs while raising three children with busy schedules. Mindy felt every spare moment went to cleaning their home. The constant mess affected multiple aspects of their lives—she felt perpetually stressed, had less time with the kids, and it impacted their social lives. "I don't let the kids have friends over because the house is such a disaster. I'd be embarrassed if their parents picked them up and saw the mess we live in." She declined social invitations because she felt guilty going out while the house was messy. Paul viewed his tidiness habits as a minor inconvenience, while Mindy was at her wit's end. "I feel disrespected by Paul. I spend all my spare time picking up while he watches TV or does fun things with the kids. And he doesn't seem to care." Meanwhile, Paul thought Mindy stressed herself unnecessarily and wanted her to relax more and stop "pestering" the kids about their messes. By the end of the first session, it was clear they had reached a standoff—Paul had labeled Mindy "a drama queen" while Mindy had decided Paul was "an inconsiderate slob." Though the division of household labor was the presenting issue, the couple first needed to address how they felt about each other. Instead of diving into chore distribution, we began by discussing why they fell in love. At their second appointment, I asked what first attracted them to each other. After thoughtful reflection, Mindy said she was drawn to Paul because he was kind and funny. Paul said he fell in love with Mindy because she was fascinating, had a fun outlook on life, and a smile that melted his heart. These descriptions were far from the "slob" and "drama queen" labels they now placed on each other. As homework, I asked them to create lists of things they loved about each other without sharing them until our next session. When they returned, both had extensive lists. Mindy's included "I love that Paul insists on reading each kid a story at bedtime," while Paul's made Mindy tear up when he said things like "I love that Mindy checks on her mom every day." After reading their lists, they agreed they'd fought less that week, merely by thinking about what they loved about each other. With this emotional connection reestablished, they could finally have a productive conversation about their housekeeping disagreements. Mindy expressed her need for more help around the house, while Paul articulated his need for relaxation time and flexibility in when he cleaned. They realized that conjuring loving feelings made them better equipped to work together on problems. We developed strategies to help them maintain their emotional connection and reduce conflict. They decided to schedule regular date nights, giving them something to look forward to and creating special memories together. They also set aside time to eat dinner alone a few evenings per week after the children went to bed, using this time for meaningful conversation rather than discussing daily logistics. Finally, they clarified their plan for dividing household responsibilities, with Mindy specifying which chores she found most time-consuming and Paul identifying ways to meet his relaxation needs while still helping around the house. Relationships naturally evolve over time, and it's easy to forget why we fell in love when daily stresses take over. The euphoric feelings of early romance make cooperation effortless, but as time passes, those same quirks that once seemed endearing can become irritating obstacles. By intentionally recalling what drew us together in the first place, we rekindle the positive emotions that help us navigate challenges as a team. This doesn't mean ignoring problems or pretending everything is perfect—rather, it means approaching difficulties from a foundation of appreciation and commitment that gives us the strength to work through them together.

Chapter 6: Growing Together Through Life's Changes

Brenda reached out to my office to schedule an appointment for her husband, James. During their first session, Brenda immediately took control: "James seems to be having a midlife crisis and I want him to get some help before he becomes 'that guy' who starts driving a red sports car and gets a girlfriend young enough to be his daughter." James smiled and responded, "Actually, I've just decided to make a career change. I don't think that's indicative of a 'crisis.'" After working as an accountant for over twenty years, James wanted to pursue a new direction following his father's recent death. During his father's declining health, the family struggled to find reliable caregivers despite having financial resources. James now wanted to open a caregiving business to help families find trustworthy care for their loved ones. "I want to make it easy for families to find someone they can trust to care for their loved one when they're not there," he explained. Brenda strongly opposed this venture: "We're way too old to take such a giant leap right now. We were looking at retirement not too far into the future, not starting a business from the ground up. The death of James's father seems to have deeply affected his decision-making." While James agreed his father's death had impacted him, he saw this as positive motivation rather than a crisis: "I learned a lot and I want to take what I learned and help other people." During therapy, we uncovered that being married to an accountant with a consistent career made Brenda feel secure. James's new business idea caused her tremendous anxiety about their financial future and their relationship. She feared his career change would lead to arguments about money and that their relationship would deteriorate as he invested time in the business. "Let's say he becomes ten percent happier but it puts our relationship at an eighty-five percent risk of divorce. That doesn't sound like a good idea to me!" she argued. James saw things entirely differently: "This business will likely give me fifty percent more life satisfaction. And when I'm a better person, I'll be a better partner and we'll have a better relationship. I predict it could make our relationship seventy-five percent better." He added, "I know she thinks this is a sign of a midlife crisis. But I don't see it that way at all. In fact, I think if I don't pursue something I feel so strongly about, I'll actually be at risk of having a midlife crisis down the road." In subsequent sessions, we worked on breaking their unhealthy communication pattern. Brenda had insisted James was having a midlife crisis, while James forged ahead, reinforcing her concerns about his judgment. I asked James to listen to Brenda's fears without minimizing them—her worries about their financial security, retirement plans, and relationship stability. For the first time, he validated her concerns without agreeing with her assessment of his mental state. Similarly, Brenda listened while James explained how important this career shift was to him—how it would allow him to impact the community and transform the painful experience of losing his father into something meaningful. After they both felt heard, we examined the meanings they assigned to each other's behavior. Brenda interpreted James's persistence despite her discomfort as evidence he didn't care about her feelings. Meanwhile, James saw Brenda's opposition as a lack of confidence in his competence. Over several appointments, they shifted from working against each other to tackling the challenge together. They decided to make it "their business" rather than just James's venture. While Brenda wouldn't handle day-to-day operations, she would provide support even through her nervousness. They developed strategies to ensure the business wouldn't consume all of James's time and addressed Brenda's retirement concerns. A year later, a newspaper article featured their successful business, showing them smiling together and highlighting the positive impact they were making on families needing caregiving assistance. James had made his dream come true with Brenda's support, and she appeared happy with their joint accomplishment. Life inevitably brings changes—sometimes by choice, sometimes by circumstance. The strongest couples find ways to grow together through these transitions rather than growing apart. This doesn't mean both partners must adopt identical views or participate equally in every venture. Instead, it means creating space for individual growth while maintaining connection as a team. When we support each other's evolution while honestly addressing fears and expectations, we discover that change—even unexpected change—can strengthen rather than threaten our bond. The willingness to adapt and grow together might be the most important factor in creating relationships that thrive for a lifetime.

Summary

Throughout our relationships, we face countless moments where we must choose between falling into destructive patterns or building something stronger together. The stories shared in these chapters reveal a powerful truth: mental strength in relationships isn't about avoiding problems—it's about how we face them. When Janice stopped trying to control Ken's drinking and focused on changing her own responses, their relationship improved. When Casey stopped blaming Andy for her happiness and took responsibility for her own contentment, she found peace. These couples discovered that the most significant relationship changes often begin with the courage to change ourselves first. Mental strength emerges when we create safety for honesty, set healthy boundaries, and remember why we fell in love even during difficult times. It grows when we take responsibility rather than place blame, when we communicate with respect even in disagreement, and when we support each other's growth even when it feels uncomfortable. The path to becoming a mentally strong couple isn't about perfection—it's about progress. By avoiding these thirteen destructive habits and embracing their healthier alternatives, we create relationships that can weather life's inevitable storms while growing deeper in connection, understanding, and love. When we choose to be stronger together, we discover that our relationships don't just survive challenges—they thrive because of them.

About Author

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Amy Morin

Amy Morin is a psychotherapist and the award-winning host of Mentally Stronger, one of the top health podcasts in the world.She's an international bestselling author of five books on mental strength. Her books, including 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do, have been translated into more than 40 languages.Forbes calls her a "thought leadership star" and The Guardian dubbed her "the self-help guru of the moment."

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