Conversations Worth Having

Conversations Worth Having Plot Summary

Introduction

Have you ever walked away from a conversation feeling energized, inspired, and ready to take on the world? Or perhaps you've experienced the opposite—feeling drained, frustrated, or misunderstood after an interaction. The difference between these experiences isn't random chance; it's the result of intentional communication practices that can transform ordinary exchanges into powerful catalysts for positive change. In our increasingly complex and divided world, the ability to have meaningful, productive conversations has never been more crucial. Whether you're a leader trying to inspire your team, a parent connecting with your child, or someone navigating challenging relationships, the way we talk to each other shapes our reality. This book reveals two simple yet profound practices that can shift any conversation from potentially destructive to genuinely transformative. By learning to tune in to yourself and others, ask generative questions, and frame conversations positively, you'll discover how to create interactions that energize rather than deplete, that build bridges rather than walls, and that move everyone involved toward their highest potential.

Chapter 1: Recognize the Four Types of Conversations

Conversations are the foundation of human connection and the primary way we create meaning together. Yet most of us never stop to consider the nature of our daily interactions or how they shape our experiences. Understanding the four fundamental types of conversations is the first step toward transforming them. These four conversation types exist along two dimensions. The first dimension ranges from appreciative (adding value) to depreciative (devaluing). The second dimension distinguishes between inquiry-based conversations (asking questions) and statement-based interactions (making comments). When combined, these dimensions create four distinct conversation types: Conversations Worth Having (appreciative and inquiry-based), Affirmative Conversations (appreciative and statement-based), Critical Conversations (depreciative and inquiry-based), and Destructive Conversations (depreciative and statement-based). Consider the story of Elizabeth, a long-time bank employee who had built strong relationships with customers over her 38-year career. When new owners took over the struggling Community One Bank, Elizabeth immediately assumed the worst: "I'm not going to work for one of those big banks. They don't care about staff or customers. They only care about making profits!" However, when the new managers Kamal and Mary met with her, they surprised Elizabeth with their approach. Instead of focusing on problems, they asked appreciative questions: "What makes Community One great? What gives life to this bank and community?" This shifted the conversation above the line into appreciative territory. Elizabeth found herself drawn into their positive energy as they laughed together about funny customer stories from her years at the bank. She remembered why she loved her job and felt motivated to help the bank succeed. Even when difficult conversations arose later—such as when Kamal needed to address performance issues with Elizabeth and another account manager—he framed the conversation positively around combining their strengths rather than criticizing their weaknesses. The difference between depreciative and appreciative conversations is immediately felt. Below-the-line conversations drain energy, waste time, and damage relationships. They narrow our thinking and limit creativity. Above-the-line conversations energize us, strengthen connections, and expand possibilities. They fuel productivity, engagement, and innovation. To recognize which type of conversation you're having, pay attention to its tone and direction. Does it feel energizing or draining? Is it moving toward solutions or spinning in problems? Are people connecting or disconnecting? The awareness of these patterns gives you the power to intentionally shift any conversation toward more productive territory.

Chapter 2: Tune In to Your Body-Mindset

Have you ever snapped at someone and immediately regretted it? Or found yourself in a downward spiral of negative thoughts that seemed impossible to escape? These moments happen when we're disconnected from our body-mindset—the combination of physical sensations, emotions, and thoughts that influence how we perceive and respond to the world around us. Tuning in is a powerful strategy for becoming aware of what's driving your conversations. Like an iceberg, most of what influences our interactions lies beneath the surface of conscious awareness. Our past experiences, cultural frameworks, assumptions, biases, physical state, and even the nervous system states of those around us all affect how we show up in conversations. Jake's story illustrates what happens when we fail to tune in. After weeks of poor sleep, no water all day, and working through lunch to meet deadlines, Jake snapped harshly at his colleague Sandy when she asked for some statistics. He was immediately filled with shame and self-criticism, creating an internal depreciative conversation with himself. In contrast, when Timmy came home upset and shouted at his mother, she noticed his emotional state, took a deep breath, and asked with genuine concern, "What's going on?" By tuning in to both herself and her son, she shifted what could have been a destructive interaction into a conversation worth having. The technique for tuning in is simple yet profound: pause, breathe, and get curious. Pausing interrupts the automatic reaction cycle. Deep breathing activates the parasympathetic nervous system, calming your stress response. Getting curious expands your awareness and creates space to choose your response rather than react unconsciously. This practice is especially powerful when you ask yourself questions like: "What's this conversation really about? What assumptions am I making? What emotions am I experiencing? What might be driving the other person's behavior?" Becky, who had a habit of sharing unsolicited opinions with her husband, practiced tuning in during their morning walk. When her husband shared advice he'd given someone he was mentoring, Becky felt her inner critic awakening. Instead of immediately telling him why his advice was wrong, she paused, took a deep breath, and got curious: "How is my opinion relevant here?" She realized her husband was simply sharing a story about something that had already happened, and her criticism would be off-topic and unhelpful. Instead, she asked, "Why did you give him that advice?" His response provided context that made his advice seem perfectly appropriate. Tuning in also involves listening deeply—not just to others but to yourself. The Chinese character for "to listen" combines the symbols for ears, eyes, heart, and undivided attention. This kind of listening requires presence and openness, which become more accessible when we're aware of our body-mindset and intentionally choose to foster conversations worth having.

Chapter 3: Ask Generative Questions That Spark Insight

Generative questions are the first of two powerful practices that can transform any conversation. These questions literally generate new thinking, perspectives, possibilities, and actions. Unlike problem-solving questions that often narrow our focus, generative questions expand awareness and create space for innovation and insight. Gervase Bushe describes generativity as "the creation of new images, metaphors, or physical representations that have two qualities: they change how people think so that new options for decisions and actions become available to them, and they stimulate compelling images people act on." This is precisely what generative questions accomplish in conversations. Jerry Sternin's work with Save the Children in Vietnam demonstrates the transformative power of generative questions. Tasked with addressing childhood malnutrition with limited time and resources, Jerry challenged conventional problem-solving approaches by asking a simple yet powerful question: "I wonder if there are families where the children are thriving?" This question led him to discover "positive deviants"—poor families whose children were nonetheless healthy. By asking more generative questions about what these families were doing differently, Jerry uncovered simple, culturally appropriate solutions already present in the community: feeding children more frequently, actively feeding them rather than waiting for them to feed themselves, and including "low-class" foods rich in protein and vitamins. Within six months, this approach made a significant difference in children's health. Generative questions work by making the invisible visible, creating shared understanding, generating new knowledge, and inspiring possibilities. They can shift even the most negative conversations. When Gabriela found herself in a critical conversation with a university provost complaining about faculty resistance to a new learning management system, she realized she was asking depreciative questions that reinforced his negative perspective. She shifted the conversation by simply asking, "Are there any faculty who are on board with what you're trying to do?" The provost immediately brightened, stood taller, and enthusiastically described how an entire college had embraced the system. This single question completely changed the tone and direction of their interaction. To practice asking generative questions, start by tuning in to your own frame of mind. Are you open to any answer, or do you have an agenda? Focus on what adds value and what you genuinely want to learn. Questions that make the invisible visible might include: "What don't we know? What assumptions might be influencing our thinking?" Questions that create shared understanding could be: "How do others experience this situation? What outcomes are desired?" To generate new knowledge, ask: "How might current ways of thinking be limiting innovation? What if we combined these different approaches?" And to inspire possibilities: "Where is this already working well? How might we create pathways forward that work for all?" Remember that generative questions may not always seem positive in themselves, but they always add value. The key is genuine curiosity and openness to whatever emerges in response.

Chapter 4: Master the Art of Positive Framing

Positive framing, the second essential practice for transformative conversations, focuses attention on desired outcomes rather than problems. It's not about ignoring challenges but about approaching them from a perspective that inspires engagement and creative solutions. When Kamal called Elizabeth and Ram into his office at the bank, he could have framed the conversation around their performance problems: Elizabeth taking too long to open accounts and Ram opening too few. Instead, he acknowledged their individual strengths and framed the conversation around creating a fast and effective process for landing new accounts. This positive frame made it easy for them to pool their expertise and develop a solution that benefited everyone. Mark's story illustrates how positive framing can transform difficult conversations. As a mid-level manager preparing to address an employee who was consistently late to meetings and missing deadlines, Mark initially saw Melissa as the problem. After learning about positive framing, he shifted his approach. Instead of saying, "We have a problem; you are always late and miss deadlines," he framed the conversation around team cohesion and success: "I want to ensure that we have a strong team grounded in trust, responsiveness, mutual respect, and cohesion because I think it will allow us to be remarkably successful together." This frame created space for genuine dialogue. When Mark asked why Melissa was late to Wednesday morning meetings, she explained that she dropped her son at daycare on Wednesdays, making 8:00 a.m. meetings impossible. The solution was simple: reschedule the meeting. Regarding missed deadlines, Melissa shared that team members sometimes set unrealistic deadlines without understanding what was required. Mark realized his leadership played a role in these issues and committed to addressing them with the team. To create a positive frame, use the three-step flipping process: 1) Name it: Identify the problem or challenge; 2) Flip it: Determine the positive opposite; 3) Frame it: Articulate the positive impact if the flip were true. For example, George was frustrated that his daughter Alexa had dropped out of school. His first attempt at flipping failed because he was driven by his own agenda: he flipped "Alexa dropped out of school" to "Alexa is back in school" and framed it as "Alexa recognizes that her future depends upon going to college." This backfired because it wasn't open to Alexa's perspective. After reflecting, George tried again with a different frame: "Alexa and I are developing a much stronger relationship, and I know how to support her." This led to genuine curiosity about what mattered to Alexa and what made her happy. Their conversation revealed that what made life meaningful for her was entirely different from what George wanted for her. The next morning, for the first time since returning home, Alexa joined the family for breakfast and announced she was going to look for work. When creating a positive frame, check that it actually addresses the original issue and that it will inspire everyone involved in the conversation. The most effective frames open possibilities rather than prescribing specific solutions.

Chapter 5: Apply Appreciative Inquiry Principles Daily

Behind the practices of generative questions and positive framing lie five powerful principles that govern all our conversations. Understanding these principles deepens your ability to foster transformative interactions in any context. The first principle, the Constructionist Principle, states that understanding, interpersonal dynamics, meaning, and ultimately social reality are created through language and conversation. This explains why Jamal thrived in Ms. Wittit's social studies class but struggled in Ms. Summers' English class. Though both teachers wanted the best for Jamal, their different worldviews led to dramatically different interactions. Ms. Summers, raised with military discipline, saw Jamal's humor as disruptive and his window-gazing as distraction. Ms. Wittit, raised in a creative household, saw his humor as a way to connect with classmates and recognized his window-gazing as an auditory learning style. Their different frames created entirely different experiences for Jamal. The Simultaneity Principle reveals that change happens the moment a question is asked or a statement is made. Gabriela experienced this when her simple question to the provost instantly shifted his demeanor and the entire conversation. Our words create immediate neurophysiological responses in ourselves and others. The Poetic Principle teaches that every person, organization, or situation can be seen from many perspectives. Daniel discovered this while working with First Nations gang members. When he focused on their failures at team-building activities, that's all he saw. When he began asking what was working for them, he discovered they actually had strong teamwork and leadership skills—they just used them differently. The story we choose to tell shapes what we see and what becomes possible. The Anticipatory Principle shows that we move in the direction of the images and thoughts we hold. Ravi learned this when he asked his team for feedback on a project design he'd already finalized. Though he asked what seemed like a generative question, his closed mindset prevented him from being open to their suggestions. Our expectations influence what we see, hear, and do. The Positive Principle states that the more positive and generative the question, the more positive and long-lasting the outcome. Jack experienced this when he changed his bedtime question to his children from "How was school today?" (which always got "good" as a response) to "What was the best thing that happened at school today?" This simple shift led to enthusiastic stories about dissecting snakes and earning pizza parties. These principles work together to govern our conversations whether we're aware of them or not. By aligning our thoughts and feelings with our framing and language, we can intentionally create conversations that bring out the best in ourselves and others. The principles remind us that everything we say and do moves us and those around us in one direction or another. They provide a foundation for tuning in and staying open to possibilities.

Chapter 6: Scale Up Great Conversations in Organizations

The power of conversations worth having extends beyond individual interactions to transform entire organizations and communities. When applied systematically, these practices can create remarkable cultural and strategic change at scale. The Appreciative Inquiry 5-D Cycle provides a structured process for engaging whole systems in conversations worth having. This methodology has been successfully implemented in organizations around the world, including Google, Accenture, Verizon, the US Navy, and the United Nations Global Compact. Erich's story demonstrates how this approach can transform an organization. As program manager for a German automotive supplier's new Technology Center in Michigan, Erich faced significant challenges. The transplanted teams from Germany and newly hired American employees worked in silos with little collaboration. Conversations across divisions were infrequent and often critical or destructive. Rather than waiting for corporate headquarters to provide direction, Erich decided to unite the separate teams through a center-wide strategic conversation using the 5-D Cycle. The process began with the Define phase, where Erich assembled a core team with representatives from each area. Together, they created a positive frame for their task: "We are a high-performing center with one dynamic team, one vision, one shared mission, and a shared strategic plan." They crafted generative interview questions to discover the center's strengths and values. In the Discover phase, employees paired up across silos for one-on-one interviews, sharing stories about high-point experiences, values, and strengths. Small groups then identified common themes and drafted mission statements. This process surfaced their core values (dedication, flexibility, creativity, innovation, team spirit, and continuous communications) and key strengths (adaptability, dedication to customers, strong product core, and top-notch employees). During the Dream phase, teams created shared images of their desired future through skits, posters, and vision statements. The energy in the room was palpable as people playfully and creatively envisioned their collective potential. These visions were merged into a single statement that resonated with everyone. In the Design phase, employees self-organized around possibilities that ignited their passion. They created prototypes for new initiatives, including a new sales call protocol that bridged every team and an innovative process to bring potential clients to the Technology Center. The final Deploy phase involved creating action plans and enlisting champions to implement these prototypes. Within ninety days, the center saw improved results in productivity, sales, and communications. Morale reached an all-time high, and a team-based mentality focused on continuous improvement emerged. When the corporate president asked what made the relocation project successful, Erich replied, "I think it's because our strategic conversations were inclusive. Everyone mattered. Conversations centered on how we could make this a great success. People were invited to share their best selves, and the conversations unleashed the momentum to become a unified, winning team." This approach works because organizations are socially constructed systems—the people and their conversations are the organization. By engaging everyone in appreciative, inquiry-based conversations about their shared future, Erich created the conditions for genuine transformation. The same principles that work in one-on-one interactions can scale to create positive change throughout entire systems.

Summary

The conversations we have—with others and with ourselves—shape our reality and determine our capacity to thrive. By mastering the art of conversations worth having through tuning in, asking generative questions, and using positive framing, we can transform our relationships, workplaces, and communities. As David Cooperrider reminds us, "It is in the depth of our connections and conversations with others that we change ourselves and our relationships, one conversation at a time." The science behind these practices is compelling. Research in neuroscience, positive psychology, and organizational behavior confirms that appreciative, inquiry-based conversations literally change our brain chemistry, broaden our thinking, build our capacity for creativity and connection, and create an upward spiral of positivity and performance. High-performing teams maintain a ratio of about six positive interactions to every negative one. This doesn't mean avoiding difficult topics—it means approaching them in ways that energize rather than deplete. Your next conversation could be the one that changes everything. Begin by pausing, breathing deeply, and asking yourself: "What kind of conversation do I want to have right now, and how can I frame it to bring out the best in everyone involved?"

About Author

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Jackie Stavros

Jackie’s passion is working with others to discover their purpose in creating positive change. She has over thirty years of leadership, strategy, organization development, and change management experience. The heart of her work is using Appreciative Inquiry (AI), one of the most popular approaches to positive change, which brings out the best in people to impact productivity, engagement, and performance in their organizations and communities. Jackie has been integrating strengths-based approaches into her research, teaching, training, coaching, and consulting work to strengthen relationships and inspire innovation. She works with organizations in leadership development, team building, and strategic planning. She helps them identify and articulate their values, vision, mission, strategy, and initiatives to build collaborative teams and communities. She has worked across all sectors, including for-profit, non-profit, government, and a wide spectrum of industries.Jackie is a professor at Lawrence Technological University (LTU) College of Business and IT in Michigan. She is a member of the AI Council of Practitioners for the Cooperrider Center for Appreciative Inquiry (AI) and the Taos Institute. She serves as an AI Mentor for XCHANGE: Conversations for Exponential Outcomes. Before she joined LTU, her industry work included manufacturing, automotive, banking, technology, government, and professional services. Her first professional position was as a sales rep for Cutco Cutlery, whose leaders planted in her the seeds of positivity and possibility.Jackie has coauthored many books and articles, including the second edition of Conversations Worth Having: Using Appreciative Inquiry to Fuel Productive and Meaningful Engagement (www.cwh.today) and Learning to SOAR: Creating Strategy That Inspires Innovation and Engagement. SOAR is a positive approach to strategic thinking, planning, conversations, and leading that focuses on strengths, opportunities, aspirations, and results (www.soar-strategy.com). Her work has been featured in Forbes, SmartBrief, Detroit’s Live in the D, People and Strategy, and DBusiness Magazine. She has worked in 25 countries using Appreciative Inquiry (AI) to affect the lives of thousands or people and hundreds of organizations improve capacity to thrive and increase performance. She is a keynote speaker on AI, SOAR, and positive approaches to leadership development and change. She earned a Doctor of Management, dissertation: Capacity Building Using an Appreciative Approach: A Relational Process of Building Your Organization’s Future from Case Western Reserve University, an MBA from Michigan State University, and a BA from Wayne State University. She lives in Brighton, Michigan, with her husband, Paul, and her loveable dog, Rex.

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