The Power of a Positive No

The Power of a Positive No Plot Summary

Introduction

We all face moments when we need to say No but struggle to do so effectively. Whether it's declining extra work from a demanding boss, refusing unreasonable requests from family members, or setting boundaries with friends—saying No is one of life's most essential yet challenging skills. The difficulty lies in a common misconception: that saying No means rejecting others and damaging relationships. This false dilemma traps us in three ineffective patterns: we accommodate by saying Yes when we should say No, we attack by saying No aggressively, or we avoid the situation entirely. The solution isn't found in choosing between exercising power and preserving relationships, but in learning to do both simultaneously. By mastering the art of the Positive No—a No that affirms your core values while respecting the other person—you gain the power to protect what matters most without burning bridges. This approach transforms No from a word of rejection into a catalyst for better connections, clearer boundaries, and more authentic living.

Chapter 1: Uncover Your Yes: Find the Deeper Values That Matter

At the heart of every effective No lies a deeper Yes. The single biggest mistake people make when saying No is starting from the position of No itself. A Positive No begins not with what you're against, but with what you're for—your core interests, needs, and values. Consider the story of a man who battled alcohol addiction for decades. After numerous failed attempts to quit, he finally succeeded when his first grandchild was born. "I wanted more than anything to live long enough to see him grow up," he explained. "It was his birth that motivated me to get treatment and stop drinking. Since then, for over fifteen years now, I have not touched a drop." His powerful No to alcohol flowed directly from his powerful Yes to being present for his grandchildren. When faced with the challenge of saying No, the biggest obstacle isn't the other person—it's our own tendency to react emotionally rather than respond purposefully. Fear can paralyze us into accommodation, anger can propel us into attack, and guilt can lead us to avoidance. The path forward begins with going to what the author calls "the balcony"—a mental state of calm perspective where you can pause, breathe, and gain clarity about your true priorities. From this balanced perspective, ask yourself: "Why do I want to say No? What underlying interests, needs, or values am I trying to protect?" Keep probing deeper by asking "why" until you reach bedrock—the essential values that truly matter to you. A sales manager initially resistant to a customer's demand for price reductions realized his deeper Yes was about ensuring "we can all work, and so I can put food on my family's table." This clarity gave his No genuine power and conviction. Once you've identified your core values, crystallize them into a single, focused intention—your Yes! This is the foundation of your No, the commitment that gives it power. When John, who was being overworked and underpaid by his father in the family business, finally spoke up, his Yes was to self-respect: "If you don't speak up now, you'll have no self-respect!" This clarity fueled his ability to set necessary boundaries. The final step is to transform any negative emotions into positive resolve. Gandhi described this process as learning "to conserve my anger, and as heat is transmuted into energy, even so our anger controlled can be transmuted into a power which can move the world." By uncovering your Yes, you ground yourself in something positive, gain direction, and harness the energy needed to deliver and sustain your No.

Chapter 2: Empower Your No: Develop Alternative Options

Having uncovered your Yes, the next step is to empower your No with positive power. This isn't about gaining power over others, but developing the confidence and capacity to protect your interests if the other person refuses to respect your boundaries. The key to this empowerment is creating a solid Plan B. Rosa Parks' story illustrates the power of a well-prepared No. When she refused to give up her bus seat in December 1955, her No wasn't merely a spontaneous act of a tired seamstress as often portrayed. Parks was an educated activist and longtime member of the NAACP. Her organization had been looking for a suitable test case to challenge segregated seating laws. When the opportunity arose, Parks was ready with both a clear intention (dignity and equality) and a practical Plan B (legal action that could potentially reach the Supreme Court). Despite having little objective power in that moment on the bus, her Positive No triggered a revolution that reverberated throughout the nation. Developing your Plan B transforms fear into confidence. Consider Joan, who was extremely unhappy about the lack of communication with her husband Jack. For years, she had criticized and nagged him to talk with her, but the more she did, the more he retreated. After careful consideration of her Plan B (separation), Joan gained the confidence to deliver a calm, firm No: "I'm no longer willing to accept how rarely we talk, and I'm no longer willing to push you to do it." This newfound confidence paradoxically saved and deepened their marriage, as Joan stopped her destructive criticism, and Jack responded by opening up more. When creating your Plan B, remember it's a backup plan, not a fallback position. It's what you'll do independently if the other doesn't accept your No. It's not a lesser agreement you'd settle for, but an alternative path to protecting your interests without the other's cooperation. The purpose isn't to punish the other person but to empower yourself. A large U.S. company discovered this when negotiating with a European supplier who refused to cut costs despite disappointing sales. Initially feeling hopeless because they were locked into a ten-year contract, the company's negotiators brainstormed alternatives and discovered a closed plant that could potentially manufacture the needed component. With this Plan B in hand, they approached negotiations with newfound confidence and reached an agreement on cost-cutting strategies without ever having to mention their alternative. To strengthen your Plan B, consider various options: doing it yourself, exiting the situation, involving third parties, or building a coalition. The key is to have at least one practical alternative that will adequately protect your interests if your No isn't respected. This gives you the freedom to say No without feeling like a hostage to the other's response. Before finalizing your decision to say No, ask yourself three questions: Do I have the interest in saying No? Do I have the power to sustain my No? Do I have the right to say No? When your interests, power, and rights align, you'll find the confidence to deliver a Positive No that truly protects what matters most.

Chapter 3: Respect Your Way to Yes: Express Your Position Positively

Having prepared yourself to say No, your next challenge is preparing the other person to hear and accept it. The problem with most Nos is that they intentionally or unintentionally reject the other person. Even when that's not your intent, the other often hears your No as an implied message: "You and your interests don't count." Feeling embarrassed, hurt, or humiliated, they close their ears and lash out, damaging your relationship. The secret to preparing others to eventually say Yes is not to reject them, but to respect them. Terry Dobson's extraordinary story illustrates this power. Riding a Tokyo train, Dobson witnessed a large, drunk laborer terrorizing passengers. As a student of aikido preparing to intervene, Dobson was surprised when an elderly gentleman called out cheerfully to the laborer. The old man engaged him in conversation about sake and persimmon trees, showing genuine interest. As the laborer struggled to follow the conversation, his aggression softened. Soon, he was confessing his problems and crying on the old man's shoulder. What Dobson had wanted to accomplish with muscle was achieved through respect and kind words. This respect begins with self-respect. Before you can genuinely respect others, you must respect yourself. The word "respect" comes from Latin roots meaning "to look again." When you respect others, you're giving yourself the opportunity to look beyond their aggravating behavior and see the human being. This doesn't mean liking them personally or doing what they want—it simply means valuing them as you would like to be valued. The two principal ways to demonstrate respect are listening and acknowledgment. Hostage negotiator Dominick Misino explains: "When I'm dealing with an armed criminal, my first rule of thumb is simply to be polite. This sounds trite, but it is very important." Listening with positive attention signals that you value the other person's perspective. Ask clarifying questions and try to understand their underlying interests and needs. Acknowledgment goes beyond listening to recognition. You don't need to agree with others but simply recognize them as fellow human beings with needs and rights. When Bob Iger succeeded Michael Eisner as CEO of Disney Corporation, his first action was to pay a personal visit to Walt Disney's nephew Roy Disney, who had led a shareholders' revolt against Eisner. Iger acknowledged Roy's concerns and affirmed the value of his years of service. Roy agreed to end the revolt, with one observer noting, "All Mr. Iger had to do was show some respect to Mr. Disney." Begin your Positive No on a positive note by acknowledging the other's perspective or contributions. One business leader noticed how his country's president grew increasingly defensive as executives raised concerns about economic policies. He interrupted the meeting, saying: "I'm sorry, Mr. President, but we seem to have gotten off on the wrong foot. What we are here to do is to thank you for all the remarkable progress in economic reforms you have made and to see how we can help extend these reforms." The result? The president visibly relaxed, the meeting lasted twice as long as scheduled, and the executives were invited to become advisors to the government. The more powerful your No needs to be, the more respect you should show. Respect isn't weakness—it's the key that opens the door to the other's mind and heart, making them more receptive to your message and enhancing the chances of a favorable response.

Chapter 4: Deliver with Respect: Express Your Position Positively

Delivering a Positive No is the crux of the process, requiring skill and tact. It begins with an affirmation (Yes!), proceeds to establish a limit (No), and ends with a proposal (Yes?). This three-part structure allows you to assert without rejecting—to stand on your feet without standing on the other person's toes. Start by expressing your Yes—your underlying intention, interests, and values. This serves two purposes: it affirms your commitment and explains to the other person why you're saying No. When Nelson Mandela was on trial for treason in South Africa in 1964, he insisted on making a public statement despite his lawyers' warnings it might trigger a death sentence. His concluding words summed up his Yes: "I have cherished the ideal of a democratic and free society in which all persons live together in harmony and with equal opportunities. It is an ideal which I hope to live for and to achieve. But if need be, it is an ideal for which I am prepared to die." You can express your Yes through three types of statements. The-statements focus on neutral facts without blame: "The product got delayed as a result of the many changes that were made" rather than "You caused delays by making too many changes." I-statements describe your experience: "When an important decision is made without consulting me, I get upset because it makes me feel left out." We-statements appeal to shared interests or standards: "Our brand means nothing if we do not adhere to our standards." After expressing your Yes, let your No flow naturally from it. Your No should be simple, straightforward, and matter-of-fact. A natural No isn't aggressive or apologetic—it simply sets a clear boundary that protects what's important to you. When saying No to demands, phrases like "No thanks," "I have a policy," or "I have another commitment" can be effective. When saying No to behaviors, phrases like "Stop," "That is not appropriate," or "That's enough" work well. The metaphor of a shield captures the essence of a Positive No. A shield protects you and your Yes without hurting the other person. A negative No, by contrast, is like a sword that attacks without concern for relationship. Though tempting to reject and attack when saying No, your true purpose is to protect, not to harm. Finally, propose a Yes—a positive outcome that addresses both your needs and theirs. As you close one door with your No, open another with your proposal. When environmentalists led by Forest Ethics were seeking to stop Staples from selling products made from endangered forests, they made a feasible request to the CEO at a shareholders' meeting: take a tour of the endangered regions to learn more about the issue. That much he was willing to do, sending executives who eventually developed relationships with the environmentalists and reached a groundbreaking agreement to stop buying products from endangered forests. Your proposal should be clear, feasible, positively framed, and respectful. Instead of just telling others to stop doing something you don't want, ask them to start doing something you do want. Frame your request positively—"Please talk to me in a quiet tone" works better than "Don't shout at me." And make your request respectful, phrasing it as an invitation rather than a demand. End on a positive note by expressing confidence in the possibility of agreement and an ongoing relationship. By delivering your Positive No as Yes! No. Yes?, you assert your needs while maintaining respect and opening the door to a positive outcome.

Chapter 5: Stand Firm: Navigate Pressure Without Yielding

Once you've delivered your Positive No, you'll need to manage the other person's reaction. It's not easy to be on the receiving end of a No. Your No may mean a painful adjustment in expectations or even a challenge to the other person's identity. Naturally, they may resist—ignoring your No, pleading, threatening, or attacking you. This is precisely what makes saying No so difficult. Understanding the stages to acceptance can help you navigate this challenge. When confronted with disappointing news, people typically go through a sequence of emotional reactions: avoidance, denial, anxiety, anger, bargaining, sadness, and finally acceptance. You can't stop this natural sequence, but you can help the other person move through these emotions toward acceptance. The key is to control your own reactions. When the other person resists your No, you may feel tempted to yield under pressure or counterattack. Either response takes you off track. Yielding rewards abusive behavior, while counterattacking reinforces it. The alternative is to stay true to your underlying Yes—to keep your eyes on the prize of protecting your core interests. Go to the balcony—that mental place of perspective and calm—to maintain self-control. Pause before responding and breathe deeply. Watch how the other tries to push your buttons and "name the game" to yourself, identifying each tactic being used against you. This mental labeling increases your detachment and makes you less susceptible to reacting. One of your greatest powers is the choice not to react. When South African leader Chris Hani was assassinated in 1993, the country stood at the brink of civil war. Instead of reacting with calls for vengeance, Tokyo Sexwale and other ANC leaders maintained control of their emotions. "We used that moment very, very cleverly," Sexwale explained, extracting a critical concession from the government: a firm date for democratic elections. By not reacting to this grave provocation, Mandela and his colleagues effectively sealed the end of apartheid. As you maintain your composure, listen respectfully to the other person. Paraphrase what you hear to show understanding, and acknowledge their perspective without conceding yours: "I understand your point. It is a valid point. I happen to see the situation differently." Replace "but" with "Yes...and" to adopt a both-and mindset instead of either-or thinking: "Yes, you're right, our prices are on the high side of the spectrum. And if you consider our quality and reliability, I think you'll find they're very reasonable for the value." Just as trees bend with the wind without breaking, you need to show firmness and flexibility when faced with resistance to your No. Dick Goodwin, a speechwriter who wanted to resign from President Johnson's staff, demonstrated this strength. Despite LBJ's histrionics, threats, and manipulations, Goodwin neither yielded nor attacked. He stayed true to his intention, resigned, and took a fellowship. Though LBJ initially retaliated by freezing Goodwin out, he eventually accepted the No and even invited him back to write his State of the Union Address. By understanding the stages of acceptance and refusing to react, you allow the other's anxiety and anger to subside, paving the way for them to accept your No. This respectful persistence not only protects your interests but also preserves the possibility of a positive relationship in the future.

Chapter 6: Build Golden Bridges: Create Mutually Beneficial Solutions

If the other person continues to resist your No, you'll need to underscore it with positive power. Rather than choosing between submission and outright war, follow Mahatma Gandhi's example: emphasize patiently and persistently that No means No, while using power that serves your deeper Yes rather than punishing the other. Start by being consistent and persistent in repeating your No. The other person may pretend not to hear you or prefer to act as if you hadn't said No. Consider how Emily Wilson, housekeeper for economist John Kenneth Galbraith, responded when President Johnson called and demanded she wake Galbraith from his nap: "I'm sorry, Mr. President, but I work for Mr. Galbraith, not for you." And she hung up. When Galbraith called back later, Johnson told him: "Who is that woman? I want her working for me." To make repetition easier, craft an anchor phrase—a simple sentence you can use consistently when under pressure. Phrases like "This doesn't work for me," "I'm sorry, but I'm not interested," or "I have already chosen a few charities where I want to focus my giving" can help you stay on track. Make your repetition intentional rather than mechanical, renewing it each time by focusing on your underlying intention. If repetition doesn't work, educate the other about the consequences of not respecting your No. Ask reality-testing questions like: "What will happen if we cannot reach agreement? What are the costs for us both?" These questions cause reflection on the natural consequences of refusing to respect your boundaries. If necessary, follow with specific warnings—not threats about imposed punishment, but objective predictions about inherent consequences. When a physician group faced a managed-care company that refused to pay their bill, they warned that if payment wasn't made, they would have no choice but to cancel the contract. This was a logical consequence: if a customer doesn't pay, services cease. The physicians weren't trying to punish but simply to meet their legitimate interests. Faced with this warning, the managed-care company agreed to pay. If all else fails, deploy your Plan B—swiftly and without hesitation. Withdrawing your cooperation can be a powerful way of educating others and creating healthier relationships. When a university professor became a bully with his staff, his lead assistant simply left. The professor initially couldn't believe she would "abandon" him amid important deadlines. But she remained firm: she understood the importance of the work but couldn't be part of the team as it was currently run. After about a month of reflection, the professor reconsidered his perspective, and the assistant returned—to a much improved working environment. Even when using power, do so with restraint and respect. Instead of punishing with anger, spell out consequences with sadness. The more power you exercise, the more respect you need to show. When poor neighborhoods in San Antonio were being neglected by the city council in 1974, they formed a coalition called COPS. Rather than rioting, they used creative nonviolent actions—having hundreds of activists line up at banks to change dollars into pennies and back again, effectively halting downtown business. This positive power, both strong and respectful, brought the business community and city council to their senses. By meeting resistance with persistence and underscoring your No with positive power, you help the other person accept the new reality you've created. Once they do, you're ready for the final step: negotiating an agreement that moves toward a healthier relationship.

Chapter 7: Protect Relationships: Transform Conflict into Connection

The final step in the Positive No process is harvesting the fruit of your labors—negotiating to Yes. The goal is a positive outcome that protects your core interests, whether through an agreement that meets your needs, a healthy authentic relationship, or even an amicable separation. To achieve this, build what Chinese strategist Sun Tzu called "a golden bridge" for the other to advance across toward a positive solution. Three obstacles may prevent the other from saying Yes: unmet needs, concern about stakeholders' approval, and relationship strain. Your task is to address each of these. First, facilitate a wise agreement by uncovering and addressing the other's unmet interests. When a global consumer products company reached an impasse with Tom, a seller asking 10% more than market value for his food company, the VP asked what Tom really needed. The answer? Tom wanted to create an environmental foundation with the extra funds. Instead of compromising on price, the VP invited Tom to serve as president of a new global environmental council the company was creating—satisfying Tom's deeper interest without compromising their own. That night, the deal was signed at market price. Second, help the other win approval from their constituents. The author learned this lesson the hard way when mediating a coal mine conflict. After six weeks of shuttle diplomacy, union leaders and management reached an agreement, but the miners almost unanimously rejected it—despite it being an improvement—out of distrust. To implement any agreement, you must address the concerns of those who must ratify it. Use the "acceptance speech test": Imagine the other person explaining your proposal to their constituents. What persuasive case could they make? What tough questions might they face? If you can't envision them delivering this speech convincingly, revise your proposal to make it more persuasive. Help them save face—protect their honor, dignity, and self-respect. As hostage negotiator Dominick Misino explains: "One very important thing you learn as a negotiator is that if you want to win, you have to help the other guy save face." Finally, cultivate a healthy relationship. The tendency after saying No is to drift apart when the opposite is often needed. Nelson Mandela demonstrated this during his first television debate with President de Klerk before South Africa's first democratic election. Feeling he had been too harsh, Mandela concluded by reaching for de Klerk's hand: "In spite of my criticism of Mr. de Klerk, sir, you are one of those I rely upon. We are going to face the problems of this country together." Mandela was modeling for his supporters the importance of reaching across the divide. If your relationship has been damaged, consider what you could do to repair it. A sincere acknowledgment or expression of regret can go far. Look for opportunities to replenish your "goodwill account" by showing genuine interest in the other person beyond your immediate needs. After grounding your teenager for incomplete homework, consider taking them out for a family celebration once the work is done. If you've had to say No to a work colleague, find an opportunity to help them without being asked. End on a positive note with a simple acknowledgment and thank-you: "I know dealing with this issue hasn't been easy for either of us. I thank you for your efforts to respect my needs, and I look forward to working with you." As Gandhi demonstrated when he sent his adversary Prime Minister Jan Smuts a pair of handmade sandals from prison, a Positive No can transform an enemy into a friend.

Summary

The Positive No represents the essential marriage of Yes and No—perhaps the two most fundamental words in language. When divorced from each other, Yes without No becomes appeasement that destroys satisfaction, while No without Yes becomes war that destroys relationships. The true art is integrating them: Yes is the key word of connection, No the key word of protection. The three-part structure of a Positive No—Yes! No. Yes?—creates a powerful framework for standing up for yourself without rejecting others. You begin by uncovering your deeper Yes, the core values that truly matter. You then empower your No with a Plan B that gives you confidence and options. You deliver your No with respect, expressing your Yes, asserting your boundary, and proposing a positive outcome. Finally, you follow through by staying true to your Yes, underscoring your No if necessary, and negotiating to a mutually beneficial solution. "The way we say No may sometimes seem like a small thing," writes the author, "but over time it can make a huge difference in our lives, in the lives of others around us, and in the world at large." Your Positive No is a gift not only to yourself, creating time and space for what matters, but also to others who prefer clarity over indecision, and to the larger community that benefits from healthier boundaries and more authentic relationships. Begin today by practicing one meaningful No in a situation that counts. Notice your tendencies to accommodate, attack, or avoid, and experiment with more balanced responses. With each practice, your "No muscle" will strengthen, and you'll discover the freedom that comes from being true to yourself while respecting others. You don't have to choose between saying No and getting to Yes—you can do both.

About Author

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William Ury

William Ury is an American author, academic, anthropologist, and negotiation expert. He co-founded the Harvard Program on Negotiation. Additionally, he helped found the International Negotiation Network with former President Jimmy Carter. Ury is the co-author of Getting to Yes with Roger Fisher, which set out the method of principled negotiation and established the idea of the best alternative to a negotiated agreement (BATNA) within negotiation theory.

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