Every Man's Battle

Every Man's Battle Plot Summary

Introduction

Sexual integrity remains one of the most challenging battles facing men today. In a world saturated with sexual imagery and temptation available 24/7 through smartphones, magazines, movies, and billboards, many men find themselves trapped in cycles of lust, pornography, and shame. This constant bombardment creates a seemingly impossible environment for maintaining purity. Yet beneath the struggle lies a profound truth: sexual freedom is not only possible but also deeply fulfilling. The battle isn't about suppressing natural desires but rather directing them toward their proper purpose. Through practical strategies and spiritual principles, men can break free from the chains of sexual temptation and discover a life of integrity that brings peace, restores relationships, and renews their connection with God. This journey requires courage, commitment, and a willingness to engage in honest self-examination, but the rewards—restored marriages, spiritual renewal, and authentic manhood—make every step worthwhile.

Chapter 1: Recognize Your Male Visual Nature

Men are naturally visual creatures when it comes to sexuality. This isn't a flaw in design but rather a feature of masculine biology. The male eye can receive genuine sexual gratification through sight alone, functioning as a form of sexual foreplay without physical contact. Understanding this visual nature is crucial for establishing effective defenses against sexual temptation. Steve Arterburn shares a revealing personal story about driving his Mercedes through Malibu when he spotted an attractive jogger. As she passed by, his eyes "feasted on this banquet of glistening flesh" and he continued to turn his head, craning his neck to capture every moment of the view. So entranced was he by this visual stimulus that he failed to notice traffic had stopped ahead—until he crashed into the car in front. This embarrassing moment illustrated how powerful the male visual response can be, even causing a normally attentive driver to become dangerously distracted. The incident wasn't merely about distraction but demonstrated how men can unconsciously drift into visual sexual gratification. Steve wasn't actively seeking pornography or an affair, yet his eyes naturally sought out and locked onto the sensual image before him. This automatic response happens to most men without conscious decision, which is why so many find themselves ensnared in patterns of visual lust before they've even realized what's happened. This visual orientation connects directly to the brain's reward centers. When a man sees something sexually stimulating, the hormone epinephrine is released into his bloodstream, locking the image into memory while delivering a chemical high. This creates a neurological pathway that strengthens with repeated use. Dr. Jeffrey Satinover testified before the U.S. Senate that "the underlying nature of an addiction to pornography is chemically nearly identical to a heroin addiction: Only the delivery system is different." The good news is that while men cannot change their visual nature, they can establish practical defenses to manage it effectively. This begins with a covenant with your eyes—a commitment to intentionally bounce your gaze away from potential visual temptations. Rather than staring, lingering, or returning for second looks, training your eyes to immediately divert from sensual images interrupts the chemical reward system. With consistent practice, this bouncing technique can become an automatic reflex, allowing you to navigate daily life without constant struggle. The key insight is that recognizing your visual nature isn't about shame but about strategic self-management. By understanding how your eyes function as gateways to temptation, you can implement specific tactics to protect your mind and heart from unwanted stimulation. This awareness represents the first crucial step toward establishing sexual integrity.

Chapter 2: Make a Covenant With Your Eyes

Making a covenant with your eyes is the foundational strategy for establishing sexual integrity. This concept comes from Job 31:1, where Job declares, "I made a covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully at a young woman." This ancient practice remains incredibly relevant today as a deliberate commitment to control what you allow yourself to see. Fred Stoeker describes his breakthrough moment on Merle Hay Road in Des Moines after failing "for the thirty-millionth time" by lusting over a jogger. Overwhelmed with guilt and frustration, he gripped his steering wheel and through clenched teeth declared, "That's it! I'm through with this! I'm making a covenant with my eyes. I don't care what it takes, and I don't care if I die trying. It stops here. It stops here!" This decisive moment marked the beginning of his journey to sexual freedom. The transformation wasn't instantaneous. Fred struggled intensely for the first two weeks, with his body and mind fighting back against this new restriction. His brain would try to trick him—suggesting he might recognize a female jogger he passed (creating an excuse to look again) or tempting him to check the rearview mirror after successfully avoiding a direct look. Each time his eyes betrayed him, he would firmly remind himself, "You've made a covenant with your eyes! You have no right to do that anymore." He repeated this hundreds of times until the new neural pathways began forming. This covenant approach requires specific practical strategies for different situations. For magazine ads with lingerie models, Fred established rules like forfeiting his right to pick up certain sections if he sensed his motives were impure. For female joggers, he discovered he could use his peripheral vision to be aware of them without directly looking, as he found it impossible to lust through peripheral vision alone. For billboards, he memorized the locations of provocative ones along his commute so he could look away in advance. For television, he maintained control of the remote to immediately change channels during suggestive commercials. Implementing this covenant requires a personal assessment of your specific vulnerabilities. Make a list of the visual temptations that most frequently trigger your lust—whether it's lingerie advertisements, fitness videos, social media accounts, or certain types of movies. Then develop customized defensive tactics for each vulnerability. This isn't about legalism but about strategic self-management. The commitment must be absolute—no compromises, no exceptions, no "just this once" moments. The goal isn't merely to reduce visual temptation but to eliminate it entirely from your life. By adopting Job's standard of not allowing even a hint of sexual immorality, you create the conditions for true freedom. While challenging at first, these protective habits gradually become second nature, requiring less conscious effort over time.

Chapter 3: Build Your Three-Layer Defense Perimeter

Establishing effective defenses against sexual temptation requires a comprehensive approach. The three-layer defense perimeter creates multiple barriers that work together to protect your sexual integrity. This strategy addresses not just symptoms but the root causes of sexual struggle. Howard, a Sunday school teacher, shared how his battle began in junior high when a classmate introduced him to masturbation. "I couldn't get what he told me out of my mind, so that night I tried it," he explained. "Since then, more than fifteen years ago, I haven't gone more than a week without masturbating! I always thought marriage would take the desire away, but it isn't any better and I'm so ashamed. Not so much by the act itself, but by the things I think about and the movies I watch while doing it. I know it's adulterous." Howard's experience illustrates why a single-layer defense is insufficient. His problem wasn't just physical behavior but included visual stimulation and mental fantasy. To break free, he needed the complete three-layer system that addresses each aspect of sexual temptation. The first defense perimeter protects your eyes by training them to "bounce" away from sexual images. This means immediately redirecting your gaze when confronted with something potentially stimulating. The goal is to cut off visual temptation before it can trigger desire. Additionally, you must "starve" your eyes by eliminating voluntary exposure to sexual content—avoiding certain magazines, websites, movies, or television programs that contain provocative material. The second perimeter guards your mind by capturing wayward thoughts before they develop into full-blown fantasies. This involves implementing what the authors call a mental "customs station" that evaluates and filters thoughts as they arise. Just as a nation's customs department prevents dangerous elements from entering the country, your mental customs station prevents impure thoughts from taking root. This requires conscious effort to reject lustful thoughts and redirect your mind toward wholesome alternatives. The third and innermost perimeter protects your heart by strengthening your commitment to cherish your wife. This deep emotional connection serves as the foundation for the other defenses. When you genuinely cherish your wife as your "one and only," the temptation to seek sexual gratification elsewhere diminishes naturally. This involves practical actions that demonstrate love and honor, creating an environment where intimacy can flourish. To implement this system effectively, start by identifying your specific vulnerabilities in each area. For your eyes, list situations where you're most likely to encounter visual temptation. For your mind, recognize thought patterns that lead to lust. For your heart, identify attitudes or expectations that undermine your marriage. Then develop tailored strategies for each perimeter, such as memorizing scripture verses to use as a "sword" against temptation and a "shield" against lies. Remember that these defenses work together as an integrated system. The eye perimeter reduces input to the mind, the mind perimeter filters what gets through to the heart, and the heart perimeter strengthens your resolve to maintain the other defenses. With all three perimeters in place, you create a formidable barrier against sexual temptation.

Chapter 4: Train Your Mind to Capture Every Thought

Controlling your mind represents the second crucial layer of defense against sexual temptation. While the eye perimeter blocks external stimuli, the mind perimeter deals with the internal processing of attractions and thoughts that inevitably arise in daily life. Jake, a full-time minister, found himself unprepared when Emily, a woman from his church worship team, began showing interest in him. "I noticed she began smiling in that certain way," he recalled. "She was pretty and I was attracted, but I didn't give it much thought until she kept on smiling at me." Soon she visited his office, sharing troubles with her husband and crying on his shoulder. "She snuggled in a little, and I kind of liked it," Jake admitted. Their interactions escalated to the point where he found himself driving miles out of his way just to pass by her office building. Eventually, he kissed her, knowing it could end his ministry career. "I couldn't help myself," he explained. "The attraction had grown too strong." Jake's downfall illustrates why men must establish mental defenses beyond just controlling their eyes. Even without explicit visual stimulation, the mind can generate powerful attractions that lead to inappropriate behavior. The authors compare the untrained male mind to a wild mustang that runs wherever it wishes and mates with whatever attracts it. Just as a mustang needs a corral, your mind needs boundaries. The mental defense perimeter functions like a customs station at an international airport, filtering what enters and exits your thoughts. When you meet an attractive woman, your mind must properly process this interaction without generating impure thoughts. This involves a technique called "starving the attractions"—intentionally limiting interaction with women who trigger strong attractions until facts about them emerge that reduce their appeal. 2 Corinthians 10:5 provides the biblical foundation for this approach: "We take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." This requires conscious effort to intercept inappropriate thoughts before they develop into full fantasies. When an unwanted thought arises, immediately identify it as contrary to your commitment to sexual integrity and replace it with something constructive. For women you find attractive, implement specific defensive tactics: First, adopt the proper mindset that "this attraction threatens everything I hold dear." Second, remind yourself, "I have no right to think these thoughts." Third, heighten your alertness, just as you would in physically threatening situations. Fourth, limit interaction with the person until the attraction subsides naturally. For women who find you attractive, additional measures are necessary: Avoid being alone with them, flee from situations that could feed their attraction, prepare responses in advance for potential invitations, and maintain a friendly but deliberately uninteresting demeanor—what the authors call "playing the dweeb"—to discourage further interest. The most challenging mental battles often involve women already in your life, such as old girlfriends, ex-wives, or friends' spouses. For these relationships, establish firm boundaries that honor your commitments and protect against inappropriate emotional connections. Eliminate memory anchors like old letters or photos, and replace thoughts of these women with alternative content like memorized Scripture or hymns.

Chapter 5: Cherish Your Wife as Your Only One

The innermost defense perimeter—cherishing your wife—serves as the foundation for lasting sexual integrity. While the first two perimeters focus on what you avoid, this one centers on what you actively pursue: a deep, exclusive love for your spouse that mirrors Christ's relationship with the church. Fred Stoeker shares how his first two years of marriage were tumultuous, with in-law problems and relational conflict driving him and his wife Brenda to the brink of divorce. One morning, she sat down at the kitchen table and simply said, "My feelings for you are dead," and wondered if they should consider divorce. The word "divorce" stunned Fred, bringing back childhood memories of his parents' separation. Days later, while pouring milk in his kitchen, tears flooded his eyes as he made a pivotal decision: "God, I don't care how much gravel I have to eat, I'll never get a divorce." This breakthrough moment transformed Fred's understanding of marriage. He realized his commitment wasn't conditional—it wasn't dependent on whether Brenda met his expectations or made him happy. Instead, he embraced an unconditional covenant similar to Christ's commitment to the church. This shift in perspective changed everything about how he viewed their relationship. The authors reference 2 Samuel 11-12, the story of David, Bathsheba, and Uriah, to illustrate true cherishing. While David saw Bathsheba merely as an object to satisfy his lust, her husband Uriah viewed her as his precious "ewe lamb"—a term used in Nathan's parable that beautifully captures the essence of cherishing. In the parable, the poor man's lamb "shared his food, drank from his cup and even slept in his arms. It was like a daughter to him." This tender, protective attitude represents how a husband should view his wife. Cherishing involves practical actions that demonstrate value and honor. It means actively remembering what your wife has given up for you—her freedom, her youth, her trust—and responding with gratitude rather than entitlement. It means honoring her hopes and dreams by supporting her growth and well-being. Most importantly, it means choosing to love her sacrificially even when feelings falter. This perspective transforms how you view your wife sexually as well. Rather than comparing her to airbrushed models or pornographic images, you choose to find her beautiful and desirable as she is. The authors note that "if you limit your eyes to your wife only, your own tastes will adapt to what you're viewing. Your wife's strengths and weaknesses will become your tastes. Eventually, she'll be beyond comparison in your eyes." Developing this cherishing attitude requires intentional practice. Begin by listing specific qualities you appreciate about your wife. Look for opportunities to express admiration and affection. Make sacrifices that demonstrate her value to you, whether through service, attention, or prioritizing her needs. As you consistently act in loving ways, your feelings will gradually align with your actions. Remember that cherishing your wife isn't just about fulfilling your marital duty—it's about creating a relationship that satisfies your deepest needs for connection, meaning, and sexual fulfillment. When you invest fully in this one relationship, you'll discover it provides greater joy than all the counterfeit pleasures sexual sin offers.

Chapter 6: Restore Intimacy Through Skin-to-Skin Connection

The final aspect of sexual integrity involves rebuilding intimate connection with your spouse. For many men, years of pornography use and lustful habits have damaged their ability to experience genuine intimacy in marriage. The good news is that these patterns can be reversed through intentional, patient reconnection. Today's pornographic content is dramatically different from what existed even twenty years ago. As psychiatrist Dr. Norman Doidge explains, "Thirty years ago 'hardcore' pornography usually meant the explicit depiction of sexual intercourse between two aroused partners, displaying their genitals.... Now hardcore has evolved and is increasingly dominated by sadomasochistic themes of forced sex, ejaculations on women's faces, and angry anal sex, all involving scripts fusing sex with hatred and humiliation." This intensified content has created what experts call "porn-induced erectile dysfunction" (PIED), affecting even men in their twenties and thirties. Malia wrote about her heartbreaking experience with her husband: "Early in our marriage, I was not fulfilling my husband sexually, but I educated myself about his body and my own and drastically changed my approach in the bedroom. Sexually, I pursued him actively, but he'd become impotent and could not perform with me. Hundreds of times, I asked him, 'Honey, can you please tell me how I can meet your sexual needs?' He always replied that he was satisfied, but I knew he wasn't." Eventually, she discovered his porn addiction, which had rewired his brain to respond only to artificial stimulation rather than to his living, breathing wife. The brain science behind this problem reveals that men have two separate sexual pleasure systems. The first relates to exciting, appetitive pleasure (focused on intensity and connected to dopamine release), while the second relates to satisfying, consummatory pleasure (focused on intimacy and connected to endorphin release). Extensive pornography use hyperactivates the appetitive system at the expense of the consummatory system, creating neural pathways that require increasingly intense stimulation to achieve arousal. Recovery requires a two-step process. First, completely eliminate pornography and masturbation to allow the corrupted neural pathways to deteriorate through disuse. Second, rebuild healthy pathways by reconnecting intimately with your spouse through what the authors call "skin-to-skin" connection. This approach focuses on slowing down sexual interaction to emphasize emotional connection rather than physical intensity. The skin-to-skin method begins with non-sexual intimate contact. The authors suggest watching a non-sexual television program together while lying naked side by side, simply experiencing comfort in each other's presence. Then progress to gentle, non-genital touching—stroking her hair, shoulders, stomach, and limbs while focusing on her responses rather than your arousal. Finally, spend extended time just kissing, rediscovering the wonder of this intimate connection before proceeding further. This approach may seem counterintuitive—slowing down to restore intimacy—but it works by activating different neural pathways than those formed through pornography use. By focusing on your wife's pleasure and responses rather than your own satisfaction, you retrain your brain to associate sexual fulfillment with genuine connection rather than with intensity or performance. The authors describe this as "the paradox of obedience"—the surprising discovery that limiting sexual expression to its proper context actually enhances rather than diminishes pleasure. As Fred notes from his early days dating his wife: "A kiss was no longer a joyless prerequisite on the path to intercourse; a kiss had become thrilling again." With patience and consistency, this approach can restore not just physical function but emotional connection. As you learn to have sex with your wife rather than merely with her body, you'll discover a depth of intimacy that surpasses anything pornography could provide.

Summary

Breaking free from sexual bondage represents one of life's most challenging yet rewarding journeys for men. Throughout this exploration, we've seen how visual nature, neurological pathways, and cultural conditioning create powerful chains that seem impossible to break. Yet the path to freedom becomes clear when approached with understanding, commitment, and practical strategies. As Fred Stoeker powerfully stated, "By becoming pure, I rescued my wife's dreams for marriage and motherhood. I'd never felt more like a man, and it continues to this day." The journey toward sexual integrity begins with a single, determined decision—a covenant with your eyes that refuses to accept anything less than complete purity. Today, make that covenant. Identify your specific vulnerabilities, establish your three-layer defense perimeter, and commit to cherishing your spouse with unwavering devotion. Don't wait for some future moment when temptation might magically disappear; instead, embrace the battle now, knowing that with each victory, the neural pathways of addiction weaken while the connections of genuine intimacy grow stronger. Your freedom awaits not in resignation but in decisive action.

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Stephen F. Arterburn

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