We Over Me

We Over Me Plot Summary

Introduction

October 2002, a college student named Khadeen stood nervously at the door of a dorm room, holding a camera in one hand and her dreams in the other. Inside was Devale, a young football player with ambitions beyond the field. What started as a simple conversation that night blossomed into something neither of them could have imagined – a journey spanning two decades, four children, career pivots, financial struggles, and ultimately, a love that continued to evolve through it all. The path of true partnership is rarely straightforward. It requires courage to write your own rules, resilience to weather inevitable storms, wisdom to evolve your communication patterns, and selflessness to choose service over self-interest. Through intimate stories of their relationship, we witness how two young people navigated the complexities of love while breaking generational patterns and creating their own definition of family. Their journey reveals universal truths about human connection – that deep love requires friendship at its core, that intimacy needs constant nurturing, and that building something meaningful demands both parties' willingness to grow, adapt, and prioritize peace above pride.

Chapter 1: Building a Foundation: Finding Your Own Love Rules

When Khadeen first approached Devale at the Trey Whitfield banquet in August 2002, she was the event's emcee and he was being honored. Taking initiative, she introduced herself and later boldly wrote her number in his program booklet, saying, "Since you ain't gonna ask me for my number, I guess I'll just write it in your book." Though busy with pageant competitions that summer, she had been secretly plotting this moment, having admired him from afar for years. This boldness challenged traditional dating norms right from the start. During their first proper date at Hofstra University after a charity event, they talked for hours about their dreams and aspirations. Devale pointed to the TV where Martin was playing and said, "I want to do that. I want to act." Instead of dismissing his dream as unrealistic, Khadeen responded with genuine interest: "That's what's up. So how you going to do that?" That night established a pattern that would define their relationship – supporting each other's authentic goals rather than following prescribed relationship roles. Their relationship quickly intensified in college, leading to an unplanned pregnancy. The difficult decision to terminate that pregnancy became a pivotal moment in their journey. Devale supported Khadeen fully, stating, "I do not want to be the person to tell a woman what she should do with her body." Despite the emotional toll, the experience strengthened their bond. Khadeen recalls, "Through that situation, I believe that Devale and I transformed into adults... We got through this moment of adversity and it made us that much closer." Throughout their early relationship, well-meaning family members offered traditional relationship advice. Khadeen remembers Devale's mother warning, "Don't get into the habit of making his plates. His hands work." Similarly, her own mother cautioned against "starting habits you can't keep." Both partners stood their ground, refusing to let others dictate their relationship dynamics. Instead, they defined love on their terms – based on mutual support, authentic communication, and partnership rather than prescribed gender roles. By rejecting external expectations and creating their own path, Devale and Khadeen established a foundation that could withstand future challenges. Their willingness to address difficult topics openly, support each other's dreams unconditionally, and define their relationship on their own terms created a resilience that would carry them through two decades together. Their story reminds us that the strongest relationships aren't built on following someone else's blueprint, but on the courage to write your own rules based on mutual respect, shared dreams, and genuine friendship.

Chapter 2: Weathering Storms: Loving Through Hard Times

During the spring of 2004, their relationship faced a significant test. Despite being careful about contraception after their first pregnancy scare, Khadeen discovered she was pregnant again. At nineteen, she felt conflicted – happy to know she could conceive with someone she loved, yet terrified about disappointing her family. "I was in a mental tug-of-war, thinking there was no way I could have a baby now one minute and in the next, I was daydreaming about what our baby would look like," she recalls. When she told Devale, his response demonstrated maturity beyond his years: "I support whatever decision you make." While internally struggling with his own feelings, he recognized that ultimately, Khadeen would bear the physical burden of pregnancy. After careful consideration, they decided to terminate the pregnancy. The day of the procedure was emotionally wrenching. Devale sat outside the clinic, worrying about Khadeen's safety. Inside, she wept, asking for forgiveness and promising herself that the next time a child chose her, she wouldn't take it for granted. The experience transformed their relationship in unexpected ways. Despite the heartbreak, it revealed their capacity to function as a team during crisis. Devale remembers, "What came out of that super dark cloud was realizing that I had a partner for life." While recovering, Khadeen urged Devale to attend spring football practice despite his coach telling him to stay with her: "This is spring ball and I don't want you to miss out on your chance to play." Her selflessness in considering his future even during her own recovery showed him that she was truly his "Bonnie to my Clyde." This challenging experience taught them about leaning into each other rather than pulling apart during difficult times. Khadeen reflects, "It taught us how to be responsible, hold ourselves accountable moving forward, and work together as a team." Rather than letting the experience drive them apart, they used it to strengthen their communication and deepen their trust in each other. As Devale puts it, "When Khadeen and I went through the experience of terminating our first pregnancy, I learned that we communicate extremely well. We are super honest about what we want and what we need, but we're also very empathetic towards each other." Their ability to navigate this early crisis became a blueprint for handling future challenges. They learned that love isn't just about sharing joyful moments but standing firmly together through painful ones. This experience showed them that their relationship could withstand tremendous pressure and emerge stronger, setting the stage for the resilience they would need in the years ahead. True partnership, they discovered, is revealed not when everything is perfect, but when you're stuck between your love and a hard place.

Chapter 3: Communication Evolution: From Silence to Understanding

When Devale and Khadeen first attempted serious conversations, they hit a wall. Devale, raised in a family that held regular "caucuses" to discuss issues openly, expected direct communication. Khadeen, coming from a household where problems were often left unaddressed, would shut down when confronted. "Every time he attempted to have a conversation with me, I would just shut down. I wasn't used to being vocal, particularly in a relationship. I had never really seen it happen," Khadeen explains. This clash of communication styles led to frustrating cycles. During one Thanksgiving, they visited Khadeen's family first, staying longer than planned. On the silent car ride to Devale's family gathering, he expressed feeling that she had selfishly disregarded his family. Rather than responding, Khadeen remained quiet, eventually crying. Devale was confused: "We literally did everything she wanted to do and she's still crying." What he didn't understand was that her silence wasn't agreement—it was her learned response to conflict. It took years to recognize this pattern. "I didn't understand how she moved the way she moved," Devale admits. "It took me five years before I realized, 'Hmm, maybe this is a family dynamic thing.'" He noticed that everyone in Khadeen's family responded similarly to criticism—getting quiet, then defensive. Meanwhile, Khadeen struggled with Devale's direct approach: "Every time Devale would point out something to me, I would stop talking... I wasn't used to seeing it happen." One particularly absurd argument illustrated their communication challenges. A simple Facebook message from a female fan to Devale—"Hey, Devale! Great game!"—triggered an argument about the meaning of the word "ho" that lasted seven hours and continued into the next day. Devale realized: "When you argue with your significant other, you will spend more time arguing and debating about how to argue and debate than the actual issue." They were getting caught in meta-arguments rather than addressing the real concerns. Through "trial and error," they gradually developed a communication style that worked for both of them. Devale learned that his coaching-style feedback made Khadeen feel attacked and inadequate. Khadeen learned to express her needs without defensiveness. "We are fully invested in understanding where the other person is coming from," Khadeen explains. "Even though we may not agree about everything, we each have the ability and willingness to understand how each other feels." Their evolution from communication breakdown to breakthrough didn't happen overnight—it required years of patience, empathy, and willingness to adapt. The result was worth it: arguments became shorter, resolutions came faster, and their connection deepened through genuine understanding.

Chapter 4: Service Over Self: The Core of Lasting Partnership

When Devale was released from the NFL in 2008, their relationship faced its biggest test. After years as a professional athlete, Devale found himself without direction while economic recession decimated their investments. "By the time September started, my account had dwindled," Devale recalls. "I had no other choice. I was the only one in my family who was able to provide for anything." Meanwhile, Khadeen was pregnant with their first child and harboring dreams of the perfect wedding. Khadeen stepped up, taking a job at MAC Cosmetics that provided health insurance and steady income while Devale pursued acting and built his athletic training business. Though the role wasn't her passion, she recognized it was necessary for their family's stability. "I was willing to sacrifice a little bit of time from getting my career started to be there for him in whatever capacity he needed me," she explains. The arrangement challenged Devale's pride: "He encouraged me because we both understood that I needed this job, but he, being prideful, was uneasy about 'sending me to work' in a sense." During one particularly difficult Thanksgiving season, Khadeen had to leave family dinner early for a Black Friday retail shift. "I put my head on Devale's chest and burst into tears," she remembers. Devale comforted her, promising, "This is going to be your last holiday season of having to leave us to work in that store." Within a year, Devale's acting career gained momentum. After booking a Kentucky Fried Chicken commercial that qualified him for Screen Actors Guild health benefits, he told Khadeen she could quit her full-time position. With his support, she launched her own successful bridal makeup business. This period taught them that marriage means choosing service over selfishness. Rather than dwelling on their individual desires, they focused on how they could support each other through difficult times. Devale reflects, "When I started to focus on being what my partner needed, I realized that our marriage became fuller and happier." Khadeen adds, "We realized we wanted more children. We wanted more as a family and we wanted more for ourselves as a couple." Their journey reveals a profound truth about lasting relationships: they thrive when both partners prioritize service to each other over individual comfort. By supporting each other through career transitions, financial hardship, and personal growth, Devale and Khadeen built a foundation strong enough to weather any storm. As Devale explains, "If you're choosing to be there and not being of service to that person, you're doing more harm than good." True partnership isn't about equal transactions but mutual dedication to helping each other grow, even when it requires sacrifice.

Chapter 5: Family and Legacy: Balancing Partnership and Parenthood

When Khadeen gave birth to their first son, Jackson, the delivery took a terrifying turn. After a complicated birth, Khadeen began hemorrhaging due to an internal cervical tear. "When they rolled Khadeen away, I thought about every bad movie scene I'd seen where everything goes horribly wrong," Devale recalls. Hours later, he learned she was stable but needed twenty-four stitches to stop the bleeding. The experience was traumatic for both of them, but especially for Khadeen, who spent eight days recovering in the hospital. This near-death experience transformed their approach to parenthood. For their second son, Kairo, they tried to reach the hospital but got stuck in Brooklyn traffic. Khadeen barely made it to the triage room before giving birth, with Devale missing the moment by seconds. The experience led them to consider alternatives for their third child. Despite resistance from family and friends, they chose a home birth with a midwife for their son Kaz. "I believe that my body was made and equipped to do what it naturally should do when it comes to having a baby," Khadeen explains. The experience was empowering, with their midwife telling her, "I'm not delivering the baby. You're delivering your baby. I'm just here to support you." Parenting four boys while balancing their marriage required intentional effort. They learned that putting their children first actually undermined family harmony. "You might be surprised to hear us say this, but we do not put our kids first," they admit. After initially focusing all their attention on Jackson, they realized this created an unhealthy dynamic. By the time their second son arrived, they understood they needed to prioritize their relationship first to be effective parents. This meant scheduling regular date nights, creating private time for conversations, and occasionally "tagging out" when overwhelmed. As Black parents raising four Black sons, they face additional challenges. The summer of 2020's racial justice protests forced difficult conversations with their children. "It was like that summer forced us to have that conversation with our sons and unfortunately it meant that we had to strip a little of their innocence away from them," Khadeen shares. Devale adds, "Black men and women from the time they are children are punished and sentenced at a much higher rate for the same infractions than any other racial group in the country." They strive to raise sons who are both resilient enough to navigate systemic racism and emotionally intelligent enough to build healthy relationships. Through their parenting journey, Devale and Khadeen learned that family legacy starts with a strong partnership. By maintaining their connection while raising their sons, they model healthy relationship dynamics that will influence future generations. Their approach reminds us that children benefit most when parents prioritize their relationship, creating a foundation of stability, respect, and love that extends beyond immediate family to build lasting legacy.

Chapter 6: Intimacy Beyond Words: Maintaining Connection Through Change

After several years of marriage and multiple children, Devale and Khadeen faced a common challenge: their once-passionate physical relationship had become inconsistent and sometimes tension-filled. "When's the last time you touched me?" became a conversation starter that immediately created defensiveness. Devale would keep track of days between intimate moments, while Khadeen, exhausted from childcare and work, would mentally check out when the topic arose. "At this point, the 'air' around sex was forced and negative. I would roll my eyes and think, 'Here we go again,'" Khadeen admits. Multiple factors contributed to their disconnect. After having children close together, Khadeen felt "touched out" – constantly holding babies or nursing. Hormonal changes from pregnancy, postpartum depression, and birth control affected her desire. Meanwhile, Devale's consistently higher sex drive since college created a mismatch in expectations. Their busy schedules with four children and building careers left little energy for intimacy. Khadeen even visited a health food store in the Bronx seeking herbal remedies for her libido, desperate to reconnect but physically and emotionally depleted. The breakthrough came when they started having honest, non-accusatory conversations about their needs. "Through that Khadeen and I were able to figure out that her sex drive was being affected by the kind of birth control that she was taking," Devale explains. They removed guilt from the equation, acknowledging their different baseline desires without judgment. Devale learned to recognize when Khadeen needed space, while Khadeen became more aware of physical intimacy's importance to their connection. "I learned that not everything was an attack and over time, we developed a way of talking to each other where the approach was more entrenched in love and not frustration," she shares. They discovered that changing environments revitalized their connection. Weekend getaways, even just crossing the bridge from Brooklyn to Manhattan for one night, created space to reconnect without household responsibilities. During a trip to Jade Mountain in St. Lucia, climbing to the summit together "got our pheromones going," Khadeen recalls. New shared experiences – whether traveling, trying new activities, or simply creating uninterrupted time together – rekindled their physical and emotional intimacy. "I've noticed that when we take on a new adventure together, Devale and I come alive again," Khadeen observes. Their journey through intimacy challenges reveals how physical connection evolves through different life phases. Rather than expecting the same passionate encounters of their college days, they learned to adapt to their current realities while still prioritizing their connection. By communicating honestly, respecting each other's changing needs, and creating intentional opportunities to reconnect, they maintained the intimacy that bonds them beyond words. As Khadeen puts it, "Your sex life will definitely evolve, especially if you've been together and married for a while. It takes practice and understanding to continue having conversations and keep an open mind to try new things."

Chapter 7: Building Your Legacy: Creating Peace Through Intentional Love

During a particularly heated argument at their local gym, Devale reached his breaking point. After working fourteen-hour days to support their family while Khadeen stayed home with Jackson, tensions were high. When Khadeen seemed unusually tired and unmotivated during a workout, Devale's frustration boiled over: "We might need to think about getting a divorce if we can't have conversations with each other without it becoming a screaming match." In that raw moment, Khadeen revealed unexpected news: "I'm not fucking lazy, Devale. I'm fucking pregnant. I was trying to keep it a secret until I could tell you in a special way." This pivotal moment led to a profound realization. Despite the challenges, neither could imagine life without the other. "There is no doing life without Khadeen," Devale reflects. "Every moment I've had as an adult has been with Khadeen." What began as an argument transformed into clarity about their commitment to building a legacy together. They realized their bond transcended typical relationship definitions: "I don't think there is a word created by humans that can describe how Khadeen and I work together. It's so far beyond a sexual, physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual connection." Around their fifth anniversary, they faced another crisis when both were seeking validation outside their marriage. Khadeen admits, "I was seeking entertainment from somebody else because it felt good in the moment to escape." The close call made her reflect on what had drawn them together initially. "I eventually realized that everything that I ever wanted and desired was in Devale," she shares. They recommitted to focusing on each other rather than external distractions, understanding that their strength as a team far outweighed any temporary escape. Throughout their journey, they've learned to validate their relationship from within rather than seeking external approval. "If you are considering ending your relationship because of what's actually happening in your relationship, or are you breaking down because of other people's opinions about your relationship?" Devale asks. They realized that Hollywood and social media project unrealistic relationship ideals that can infiltrate one's thinking. Khadeen advises: "If Devale and I are committed to building a life together, what point does it make to ask other people or accept other people's opinions about how we are going to get to that goal?" Their story culminates in the understanding that true legacy comes from creating peace through intentional love. From sharing a twin bed in college while dreaming of their future, to now raising four sons in their dream home, they've manifested the life they once only imagined. "The same two college kids who innocently fell in love over the student cafe heroes and talked for hours on the first linkup are now grown-ups with four beautiful boys," Khadeen marvels. By focusing on service to each other, maintaining their friendship through challenges, and refusing to let outside opinions define their relationship, they've built not just a marriage but a legacy of love that will impact generations to come.

Summary

At its heart, the journey of navigating love is about having the courage to define your relationship on your own terms while facing inevitable challenges with resilience and grace. As we've witnessed through Devale and Khadeen's two-decade evolution from college sweethearts to parents of four, lasting partnership requires moving beyond prescribed roles and expectations to create authentic connection. Their story reminds us that no relationship is immune to struggles – from financial hardship and career transitions to communication breakdowns and intimacy challenges – but with commitment to growth, these very struggles become the foundation for deeper bonds. The most powerful insight from their journey is that love transforms from a feeling into an action when we choose service over selfishness. By prioritizing each other's dreams, communicating with honesty and empathy, and creating space for both individual growth and shared vision, we build relationships that can weather any storm. Whether you're beginning a new relationship or seeking to strengthen an existing one, remember that the path to lasting love isn't found in perfect compatibility but in the willingness to evolve together, support each other's aspirations, and choose each other daily as both lovers and friends. As Devale wisely reflects, "When you have something worth fighting for, I hope that you, too, will do the work to discover and maintain what will bring the most peace, security, and longevity in your relationship."

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Khadeen Ellis

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